Tue Jan 7 19:39:37 MST 2020 Let’s talk about today than shall we? I’d like to think it would be a nice moment in time if we could simply get along with everything that happens in this life, yet I doubt it will. It’s a shame if you think about it. A real shame. But what are you going to do with any of it? No one knows exactly. So here we sit waiting for something better to come along, hoping for something to happen and allowing us to actually see what is real and what isn’t.
I often wonder about things like, why this life? What I mean is, why am I living this life? It doesn't make sense at times. I wish it did, but well it doesn't. So, I sit here waiting for something to come along to make sense in my life. It would be nice to be able to simply understand it all. I need to ask questions to make some things make sense to me. If I don't have an understanding, no matter how basic it is, then I won't get anywhere.
Life comes with its own problems of course. Some of those problems can be overwhelming. While others can be easy to grasp and deal with. I prefer the easy to grasp and deal with most days, but when the hard ones come along, I have to deal with them too. It would be nice if I could just grab hold of everything at once and solve the mystery that is me. But I know that's not how it works.
Living this way is tiresome. I need to find a different way to live, that's all. Sounds easy right? I suppose it's easy on paper (or computer screen), but it's not easy when I try to make it happen. That's really all there is to it, I think. Something that makes me, me. I wonder what that something is. I'm not defined by my mental illness that much is true. I am a person who deserves to be taken for who I am. Nothing more nothing less. I am a person. Don't take that away from me.
It would be interesting to be able to simply snap my fingers and wish for something to happen. That doesn't work though, I've tried it. Sometimes the worst enemy is me. I don't quite understand how I am my own enemy, but it's the truth. It happens and I have to deal with it. Somedays I am able to just shrug it all off, let it go as it were. Other days are not that easy. I am forced to deal with whatever I have going on in my head. Talk about a crazy time to be alive. Who knew the 20s would be like this.
It's odd to call the two thousand twenties the 20s. Because there were the roaring twenties in 1920, but now we have the twenties again. Just a little fluke I like to think about from time to time. It doesn't make this time any different than the time that was before. People still have struggles and lives that don't fully make sense. It would be nice if everything made sense. I don't know how to have it all make sense though. Is there a special way to do that? There's got to be something I can do to make it all come together.
Overthinking. It's a rare gift that doesn't matter most days. But somedays I tend to overthink a little too much and that causes me grief. Even now I am overthinking about what to type out in this blog entry. I wish I could just allow it to flow and whatever comes out of my head ends up on the screen. Maybe that's what I'm doing right now and I don't realize it? It's possible.
In the end, what really matters? That's the question I want answered right now. What matters most in life to have it go this way. Is that too hard of a question to answer? I'm not sure. I do know it could be more complicated and all of that. But for now, that is the question that will occupy my mind. Sounds like fun doesn't it. Well, I'll tell you it isn't fun at all.
What more can I do in this life to make it more fulfilling. I wonder about that too. I think I'm too occupied with the thoughts of making life better that I don't take the time to actually make it better. Does that make sense?
Some things in this life just aren't meant to make sense I suppose. It's a shame to be honest. You want everything to make sense, but there are just some things that don't. That's just how this life turns out. What a bummer.
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