Depression

 I have been diagnosed with Depression with Psychosis. Or something like that. Basically, when my depression gets really bad, psychosis tends to join in the fun. Hallucinations, the works. After having thought I had schizoaffective disorder for so long, and then to find out it's actually this. Yeah, major mind blow. Of course, the treatments are closely related from what I understand. So, I am working my best to grasp and understand what's going on in my life in order to battle this mental illness. I'm sure back in the day they would have admitted me to an insane asylum. Who knows what kind of "treatments" they offered their patients back then.

I feel lost at the moment. I don't know how to get out of this hole which I have dug for myself. It would be nice to be able to figure this out and simply understand why I am like this. I doubt I will be able to figure that out. When you live with something like this, it's not an easy thing to just figure out. Therapy and psychologists need to be in the mix in order to be able to help figure everything out. I currently don't have either of those going on for me. So, I need to figure something out.

My support system has gone down the tubes as well. It's a long story. One I don't feel like I can get into at the moment. But needless to say, I feel like I have no one. I'm in a house full of people and I feel so alone. Staying with a friend until I can get back on my feet. It's not the most ideal situation but it's something. I'm grateful they were willing to put up with me. I feel so useless at the moment. There has to be something I am able to do to get through all of this. Something I can do to just survive. Am I in survival mode yet? I don't know. It would be nice to be able to figure out what exactly I am meant to do in this life. Because I don't feel like I have a clue at the present moment in time.

So, life will continue until it doesn't. Unfortunately, I choose not to take control over when my life ends. That's up to God or whoever is in charge of this life. I wish I knew when that time was coming. I'm so miserable down here on this Earth. There's no other way to put it. Being miserable isn't fun and I just don't know how to go about doing anything about it. If there was a simple way of going about it, I would do that. But there only looks like the hard way is there to go through. So, I must go through that direction in order to figure things out.

Disassociation has always been there when things get too rough. I have no other option but to do that at the moment. I know it's not the best thing to do, but it's what I do. So, I will just have to deal with it until I can find a better way to figure things out.

The intrusive thoughts get worse over time. They tell me lies about things that don't make sense. Lies that are meant to deceive me. I try not to listen, but there are times that I just have to listen because there is nothing else to listen to. It gets annoying at times, and I don't know what to do with it. What is it about this life that just makes me want to scream? I don't understand it. There has to be something I can do to just make it better, or have it made sense. I don't believe I will ever grasp that which I am to. I'll have to live with that thought for as long as I live.

Being told that someone can't stand you is another pickle to be taken seriously. I guess friendships aren't meant to last. That's just how this life happens though. I wish I had a clue of how it's meant to work out and all of that. But I don't understand any of its inner workings. So, I must deal with whatever I am dealt. It's like a game of cards. You can throw some away but at the end of the day, you have to deal with what hand you are given.

It's a lot like mental health. You are dealt a hand, and you have to play that hand until you can't play it anymore. That's all there is to it.