I Miss Things

 I miss not having to look over my shoulder for fear of demons coming to possess me. I miss not hearing voices. I miss not waking up in a cold sweat some nights over nothing. I miss not being afraid to just live my life. There are so many things that I miss. The list could go on for a bit longer. But this will suffice for now.

What the hell is my mind thinking?

There are times inappropriate phrases come into my mind, and I have to force them out. They are childish and aren't important to the situation at the time. It's annoying, it really is. If I said them? The person would be offended, and I would have egg on my face for saying it. I would like for once to just not have these thoughts interfere with my normal thinking. Is that too much to ask for? I guess it is.

Is it my mind trying to protect me? I don't know. I wish I did know what was going on, but I don't have a clue. It would be nice to be able to stop thinking for a day. But I'm not sure how that would work out. Everyone has to think during the day, they have to be able to do their jobs and whatnot. There doesn't seem to be much else going on though. All the thinking must lead to somewhere.

But what if it doesn't? Ah, see what's happening? I'm second guessing myself. There's no way around it. I provide an argument; my thoughts provide a counter argument. It's always like that. There's nothing I can do about it. At least I don't think there's anything I can do about it. It's too early to tell really.

I have to remind myself what sitting I am in. I cannot do anything about it. I cannot be offending people. That would be a bad choice to go down. A rabbit hole for sure. Talk about annoying.

Is there a tomorrow? Like, is there actually a tomorrow I have to look forward to? Or is this it. If this is it then I've got to make the best of it. I have to live life out with a bang you know. But if there is a tomorrow, then I don't have to do anything and I can just live life to whatever it's meant to be. My day-to-day life will continue and I will be fine. Funny how the mind works when it comes to death. Not knowing what will happen the next day while you're not focusing on the day at hand. It feels crazy at times. Do I have to act like there's a tomorrow? What about a no tomorrow. What's the point of it all, I don't quite understand any of it. Who's to say what the rules are in this life. Is it God? Is it the other guy? Who's to say.

I'm not sure I'll ever grasp onto whatever it is I am meant to grasp onto. This life is just too much for me to be able to keep up with any of it. I don't know what I'm talking about obviously. It's just life. There's nothing more to it, is there? I know people want you to believe there's a God and a heaven above and a hell down below and all of that. But what if there isn't? What if this life is all we've got? What then. What are you meant to do with that knowledge. So many things to be taken care of, and I'm not sure I am able to take care of any of it.

Maybe it's all a ruse to get people to fear the end of their lives. Is that possible. That it's all fake and none of it is real just so people are scared. A fear tactic can go a long way. Why would anyone want to follow that path though, it feels stupid. Agency is quite a drug if you know what you're looking for. Have to keep on moving forward, whichever that direction is. There's no turning back once you've made a decision. You have to stick with it.

Sometimes you have to take a step back and look around at all your options. How many different directions can you go at this point. Where do they all lead. Are there any that will take you to the place you want to be. Or are they all dead ends. I'm not sure I have all the answers required for such a task. It's not like I am able to figure out what to do with any of it. Just that this life has many mysterious ways about it and I am here wondering what is up with all of those different aspects. Maybe that's the catch. There's no way out of this life; there's nothing on the other side. It all is just a blank wall that you run into. You have no freedom when this life is over. There's nothing else to look forward to. What if that's how it all ends? Now that's an interesting idea.

Who has the answers to all of these questions? People say religion has the answers. Yet there are so many different religions out there. There's one religion that professes to have all the answers. Nothing more. Nothing less. Yet how can they be trusted. Just look at their shady history. It's enough to make a person question what is going on with that religion.

But I would rather not talk about religion. It gets me anxious when that topic is brought up. I was raised in a religion, and I do not know what to do with it now that I have moved on with my life. There's no point in thinking about such things. Nothing to think about makes me happier than having my brain flooded with thoughts.

I sit here holding my head in pain wondering how this life is meant to turn out. What opportunities did I miss out on when I was younger. What opportunities will I miss out when I get older. What is this life all about. Too many questions that I don't know what to do with them all. They occupy my thoughts, and I just have to sit back and breathe hoping for a better solution to it all.

My meds are taken, the day has begun. What more do you want from me dear world. What more am I able to give you than what you have taken already from me. Life and death don't come about every day for the same person. That's not how this life works out. It would be nice to be able to just figure out what is going on in the world. Yet I don't think I can. It becomes too confusing and annoying for me to be able to figure that all out.

Maybe this life can be seen as a challenge instead of anything else. I'm not quite sure how to word it. It's just something we all have to deal with. If that's the case, then there is a lot to be answered for. A lot to deal with and a lot to comprehend. I'd rather not think about it, but I really don't think there's a way around any of it. This life manages to get in your way. There's nothing I am able to do about it. My mind gets so flooded with thoughts that I don't know where to think first. If that's all there is to this life, then I want out.

I have a bracelet that says, "God is big enough." If that's the case, why does He allow people to die. Loved ones, people you care about. Things of that nature. You would think God would want you to be able to be with your loved ones for the longest time possible. But I guess He has a timetable for all of that. The only problem is He doesn't let us in on how that timetable works out. Some people are taken too late in life; others are taken too soon. I'm sure it's a balancing act of some sort.

I think I would like to check out sooner than later. But I'm not the one in control over that am I. No, I didn't think so. It's not fair. My dad got to go, why can't I go too? Wouldn't it be better if I were with him? I think it would be better. But who am I to say? I am just a person with my own thoughts that don't get taken into account.

I guess all I'm trying to say is, when is it my turn.