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Blast From The Past: January 7, 2020

Tue Jan 7 19:39:37 MST 2020 Let’s talk about today than shall we? I’d like to think it would be a nice moment in time if we could simply get along with everything that happens in this life, yet I doubt it will. It’s a shame if you think about it. A real shame. But what are you going to do with any of it? No one knows exactly. So here we sit waiting for something better to come along, hoping for something to happen and allowing us to actually see what is real and what isn’t.
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What Is Life?

 Ever wonder what this life is all about? I do all the time. Most days it doesn't make any sense to me. I am here, I live, I survive somehow, and then eventually I will die. That's what life is to me. I don't see anything beyond this life. We all just get put in boxes or cremated. If there was something beyond this life I would like to know. I believe others go places, but I will not. I'll just be boxed and there will be nothing beyond that. Kinda crazy thought I know, but that's how I feel about it. I'm not one of the good ones. I'm not good enough to see beyond what is here. I'm not evil, just not good enough.

Call it what you will, call it punishing myself or whatever. But that's how I feel about death. There's nothing I can do about these feelings. I feel them, I experience them. They are here and I don't have a clue what else to do with any of them. So just let it be already, okay? I don't know I ever felt good enough for anything. That's just what this life has taught me. It would be nice to actually feel good about myself, but I don't. I'm miserable. There's no point in brining others down with me. So, I keep to myself.

Being alive once meant something. I could actually feel alive. But now, it's much different. Now I just feel like I'm waiting for death to get it all over. It's not much of a change, I guess. One is waiting to live the other is waiting for death. Either way I'm here waiting for something to happen. I just don't know what.

Let's say there is a God for a second and He has a plan for each and every one of us. What's stopping me from following that plan? Am I just too self-righteous? Or am I angry? What is it. There has to be an answer to it all. Something to comfort me somehow. I just don't know exactly what that is.

Until I find out what that is, I'll be confused.

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