DreamSense

 I'm confused about life at the moment. There's not much to say. I don't know what is real and what is fake. Are you real? Am I real? What is real anymore?

 Reality. What is it exactly? What makes you think it's real? What if it's all part of a simulation. Like we are different aspects of the same individual. Yet we don't know it. It's not like the Matrix where we're all in stasis chambers filled with goo. No, I'm thinking that we're all just parts of someone's imagination. How does that make you feel? This person, let's call them John Doe for short, is dreaming somewhere. They're dreaming of us. We don't exist beyond this dream world that we are a part of. Eventually the dreamer will wake up and we will cease to exist. How about that thought? There are so many different ways to take this. What if this person, John Doe, is in a coma. He's actively dreaming unaware he's in a coma. We exist simply because he wishes us to exist. Now there's an interesting thought. Brings about a whole new thought process about who created who. How the Earth was created. It wasn't. It was simply drea...

 Ever sit and wonder who is really in control of everything? Like the universe, this Earth, everything that the eye can see and beyond. I'm talking about everything here. Everything covers a lot of things, that much is for sure. I don't know how else to explain it. Some say it's God, other's say it's just a random cosmic being who's out there doing whatever they want to do. There are so many different theories out there, it can get quite confusing. Personally, I believe we are in a simulation. Well at least I  am in a simulation. None of this is real. We are all manifestations of the creator in different forms. Whoever is in charge of this simulation, that's how it works. I don't know if I've been in this simulation for five minutes, or an hour, or years. The memories could have been preloaded into this thing I call a brain. So, who knows how that works. I don't have a clue. The experiences we have don't matter. That's just how it works. ...

 Texas is a nice place to visit but I wouldn't live here. That's all I can really say about that topic. I mean the car congestion alone on the freeway is a bit much for my anxiety ridden brain to handle. The gas prices are good, but it's just not worth living here. I like where I live and that's all there is to it. I'd like to be able to retire someday. I don't know where I'd like to retire, someplace where there's less stress and like zero anxiety. Yes, that would be something wouldn't it. But that time feels so far away, I don't know exactly when that will happen. Probably when I'm in my late sixties, early seventies. The way things are going, I may never retire and just keep working on the same projects for years to come. Who's to know what that will bring. Retirement is definitely on my goal for the future. Right now, I am content with how things are going.  Having been in the hospital this past week with my mom, I have learned a lot ...

 What's this life I've heard of from a perspective so far away It doesn't make sense for a moment or two yet here I am wishing to view Oh, what a feeling I'm sure I could have but I'm not sure it would be if that feeling is false So, this life will continue and so, will I eventually into the future without wings to fly

 Sometimes we need to have control over something  in our lives. Any kind of control really helps actually. There's nothing wrong with that. You have to feel like you have control over something in your life in order to live accordingly. It would be nice to be able to control every aspect of my life, but I know that's not possible. So, I control what I can and just let whatever else happen. Sometimes that control comes down to just the beard on my face. I keep it because I have control over it. I don't feel like I have control over anything else at the moment, so the beard stays. I'm not sure if that actually makes any sense to you. It does to me. Maybe that's all which matters. That it makes sense to me. I don't know how else to put it, I just know that if I don't have control over something I'll go crazy. Everyone has to have some kind of control over something in their life. I am no different. This life will come and go and make you go insane eventual...

 Sometimes I wonder what to put as a title. Sometimes it's an easy thing to come up with, other times it's not. I think I should start titling posts after  I write them. Yeah, that would make so much more sense to me and to the reader probably. Something to think about and consider for sure. But I don't think that's the main reason for this post. No, I think there's something else afoot that needs to be addressed. I just don't know what it will be, so allow me to ramble a little bit and we'll see where I get. When I was a kid I had a best friend, we did just about everything together. Eventually I moved away and never saw or heard from this friend ever again. I often wonder what happened to her. Did she go to college, get a degree, get married, have kids? Yeah, I tend to wonder what happened to her a lot. Through technology in this day and age, I bet I could find her. But I'm not really motivated to do that. I'll let her life remain a mystery. Smartp...

 Life gets so confusing at times. I don't know what to do about it. I feel like I should be in one place and I'm not. I feel the need to be there, but yet again I'm not. Am I being selfish because I'm not there? Because I'm looking out for my own mental health? One might think that would be the case, but I don't know. It would be nice to be able to figure it out for once. Yet here I am twiddling my stupid thumbs hoping for some clue. A simple fix for all of this would be nice as well. But I can't do that without the help of my doctor. Either of them. Which I cancelled appointments because I needed to be here for a reason. Looking back on it now, I could have stayed home. But I needed to come. Gah. I'm going in a loop, and I don't know what to do about it. The music plays on, and I am here wondering about life in its general disposition. Is that even an accurate phrase? Who knows. I'll have to Google it later. Or Bing it. Hell does people even Yah...

 Ever forget something and you're like; well, it's something? Yeah, that happens a lot to me. I don't know why that tends to happen, but it does. So, I just roll with it. It would be nice if it didn't happen to me. But I know there's only so much I can do to avoid such chaos, and chaos it sure is. So, what are we supposed to do when this happens? Buckle in and enjoy the ride I always say. Okay I might not always  say that, but it's a good enough phrase, right? Right! Life tends to happen that way. We come to this Earth, learn a few lessons (hopefully some of them actually stick), and then get out of here. Funny how that all works out. It would be nice to be able to control such situations. But I don't think control is in the game plan here. There are so many "would be nice" things to have in life. Yet here we are waiting to see what will actually happen with any of it. Does it go one way or the other? You know the kind of thinking I'm thinking...

 Life doesn't feel easy at times. I don't know how else to explain it. It's just life, I mean what else is there to it? Well, there appears to be a lot to it that I don't understand. I wish I understood it all, but I doubt that will be a possibility. Let's face it, life can be difficult. So many things to wish for and believe in, yet I'm not quite the believing type. I know that's on me, and I need to be better at that. I need to believe in some kind of supreme being of sorts. That they have my best interests at heart and all of that. But it's difficult to do when you can't see them. Can't talk to them. Can't hear them etc. I need something physical I can actually touch, and I don't have that. I've prayed about it a lot and I don't think prayer is working out for me. Maybe meditation would work out better, I don't know. Maybe religion just isn't for me. But if there is a chance that there is a God, He wouldn't be down ...

 Dealing with some things as of late. Two people who I care about dearly are both having heart problems. I feel torn across the country as they live in different states. I can't physically be there for both of them at the same time. So, I had to choose. I keep going back and forth in my mind if I made the right choice. Who I should be with at this critical stage of time etc. I hope I made the right choice. I simply don't know. Not knowing is a big thing to deal with somedays. Here they are under two different doctors at two different hospitals under different care. One more critical than the other. Yet still both having problems. It's not an easy thing to say the least. I wish I could be there for both of them. But I can't. I pray for both of them that they will both come out of their operations okay, and nothing will befall them. I don't know how else to put it. I only ask for God's help if He's out there and listening to me.

 There's a lot of controversy about ending your live, ceasing your existence. I don't understand what's wrong with wanting to die. One would think it should be up to the individual if they wish to die or not. If they feel their time is up, then they should be able to terminate their status of living. Yet people get all up in arms about it. They interfere saying it's not that person's place to want to terminate their own existence. Who's to say it's not their right to die? If they are done with this life, let them simply end their life. There's no reason for them to continue on if that's not what they want. What if they are suffering from some kind of illness where there's no cure. Would you force them to continue to live in that pain and agony? I would propose that people should be allowed to terminate their own lives if they wish. They choose to do anything else with their life, why would ending it be anything different? People who force others ...

 I was sitting there the other day, and I swear I heard the words of God in my mind. Like the almighty was talking directly to me. Now I know God speaks to people through scripture and whatnot but not in their minds. So that's got to be something my mind made up right? I mean what else could it be. There doesn't seem to be much of anything else that's going on in my head for it to be anything else. I hate it when my mind makes things up like this. I so honestly would like for some stronger power to actually speak to me and when I think it happens, it's just my mind playing tricks on me. Yeah, it's a letdown for sure. I don't have any other way of putting it. It's just a letdown. So, I'll continue living my life pretending that didn't happen. That's all I really can do. There's not much else to do about it but wonder and wait to see what actually happens at the end of one's life. I wish it was simpler than that, but it's not. What more...

 When you have someone in the hospital it's never a good thing. When you have two people in the hospital that's even worse. I wish I could be there for both of them but as the situation appears, I can only be there for one of them this time. It sucks. I can pray that both will be okay with whatever operations they have to go through, but that's really all I can do. I'm scared. Let's just put that out there. I'm beyond nervous, I'm scared. The airplane flight was nothing compared to this, and I hate airplanes. It would be nice to be able to wrap my head around it all. But I can't seem to be able to do that right now. Maybe in a day or two I will be able to figure things out, get my bearings and all of that nonsense. But I'm praying my little heart out as much as I can. Mom looked so afraid last night when we left. She'll get through this; she's a trooper though I know this about her. My wife is scared out of her mind about what she has to go t...

 Elaborate your feelings. Don't simply sit there hoping for something amazing to shoot by. Life doesn't quite work that way. So, how is it meant to work? Something a bit like this: 1. You have a problem 2. You recognize the problem 3. You analyze the problem 4. You come up with solutions 5. You try the solutions 6. You solve the problem Yeah, it's expected to work something like that. Straightforward thinking but not always easy to implement and get right on the first run through. Prepare yourself for failure. Don't overthink things. You won't get it right the first time around. If you can remember that you'll be better prepared for things which may cross your path. Find solace in what you seek. Be open to all of the possibilities out there. Don't shrink away from that which might bring you joy and freedom. Keeping these things in mind with help you learn to become great in your own right. Be the person you want to be.

 The look in your eyes drive me crazy like Medusa. I turn to stone with one simple look, and I freeze. I cannot move for I am lost to the forbidden look that you give me. Of course, it's not real it never was. But that's how it feels. You drive me insane with the thoughts that come into my mind. My head wants to explode, but I cannot allow it. I kind of need that head for all the thinking and doing that must be done. So, I survive another day. If that's all there is, is another day? Then I'm good. If there's more than one more day? Well, I have to find a way to continue forward. Onward as it were to see all that is out there. Life felt simpler years ago. I didn't have a worry or stressor in the world. But now, now life feels complex and cold to the touch. Interesting how that all works out. It comes and goes in waves, unable to assist me in whatever needs to be done. I am but a mute waiting for the chance to talk. But it never comes. Oh, what an interesting life...

 Living in a simulation is kind of a downer. I don't know why I have these feelings or why I feel like I'm in a simulation. It just feels off to me. Something in the air maybe? I don't know. It would be interesting to figure things out once and for all. What if I'm the only person who can detect the changes going on around me? That would also be bad. But if that's how it is that's how it is. Life is just a weird thing at the moment. I try to keep things in a balance of sorts, but that appears to be difficult. Living life this way has got to find a way to get better. But I have my doubts.

 Having this disease can be difficult at times. There are days where I don't know which of my voices are me vs an outside influence. If that makes sense. Somedays I just feel like going to sleep and not waking up the next day. I don't know quite how to put it, but that's how it feels. It's not an easy road to walk. I have found that out the hard way. I wish I could wake up one morning and everything would be fine. It doesn't happen like that though. No, I don't think it happens like that at all. It would be nice if it would. But who am I to say how things will work out in the end. I'm a nobody. A nobody who will get nowhere in life. That's who I am.

 Tired of trying to believe something I don't quite believe anymore. I've already assigned a place for my soul when I die. Talk about a wild ride to be on. That's simply all there is to it. Maybe so, maybe not. I don't really know anymore. Let it just come to me on its own terms. Nothing can successfully be left out at that point. You may not see me as stable. That's okay. I don't quite see me as stable either. It's just one of those things I deal with on a daily basis. Darkness feels like it's everywhere even with the light on. Oh well, that's simply how this life works. Such a silly life which comes my way. That's okay though, I'll get through the majority of it. Simply fading away isn't an option for me. I don't quite know the correct course for me to begin with. That's just life at the moment I guess? Yeah I don't know. Years of thinking this way hasn't got me far in life. Yet I keep on thinking about it and that feels...

 When a family member tells you they'd rather just live out their days remaining instead of having surgery. It tugs at the heart strings a bit. I honestly don't know how to process this. My brain has been in a jumble ever since. Medication can only go so far and that's not saying much. So I have to be supportive of their decision. There's nothing else I can do about it. I mean what can be done? I don't know, I don't have a clue. I wish I knew what to say, but all I can do is try and think positive. There are so many factors at play here that I cannot list them all. That's jut the facts of it. Sometimes I hate this life.

 Sometimes you need to sleep if only for a moment then you can wake up finally realizing your potential Don't think too hard about what is supposed to happen you might not enjoy the outcome

 Whatever comes your way in life, just go with it. What's the worst that can happen? If you don't get into any trouble, then you're fine. That's all there is to it. I would guess at least. Maybe I don't know what it is I'm talking about. Maybe this life is more confusing than I initially thought? Who knows. It would be nice to be able to simply stand up and realize what is going on around the world. Unfortunately, I don't think that's possible. You can be as informed as you want and you will still miss things. Important things that won't make sense until the event happens. That's just what this life is all about. Missing those events that matter most until it's too late. So, what will you do about it? Will you think your way through it all and make an attempt to understand and realize what there is to see out there? Is there some other kind of pathway for you to venture down? I'm not sure I have the answer to any of those questions. But I...

 Sometimes you don't always agree with family. What do you do about it then? I mean you're stuck with family, what can you do? I don't have a clue. That's where I am at the moment. Stuck without a clue and I just don't know what to do about any of it. So I guess I'll just sit here waiting for something to happen.

Let's face it, life isn't easy. It comes and goes, and we are stuck with it. That's the reality of it all now isn't it. No, that wasn't a question. I wish I could fix it all for everyone, but that doesn't seem to be possible. How would I fix it exactly? I'm not sure. It just would be nice to be able to tell everyone that everything will be okay in the end, and have everyone be content. Naturally people would take that in different ways. No one thinks along the same wavelength. It's a thing, I guess. But life, life isn't easy. There are so many things that we have to conquer in this life. So many things we have to deal with and battle. There isn't one simple solution to any of it. I would like there to be a solution for everything, but there isn't. I wish I could think differently. I don't believe I am able to think that way though. My brain is stuck in whatever place it's stuck. Such an odd concept to be stuck in some place without be...

August 6, 2025 Dear Dad, My therapist changed times on me. You know how well I do with change. I will get use to it I’m sure. That’s usually how change works. Mom’s in the hospital for observation. She’s having chest pain. I sure hope they can figure out what’s going on with that. It’s pretty scary! [Wife] and I felt rather sick yesterday. We were both pretty lethargic and our stomachs hurt. It wasn’t fun. I took the day off work and ended up sleeping a lot. A father’s blessing would be nice about now. But you aren’t here. I miss you lots! Love, Kyle

 Heard some voices this morning. They were laughing at me. How dare they laugh at me. There's nothing to laugh about! Oh I was upset. So very upset. But what am I to do about it? They come and go and there's nothing I can do about it. Sure there are meds I can take, but those don't always do what they're meant to do.

  Paranoia  is defined as a  mental illness characterized by feelings of distrust and suspicion of others without good reason . It often involves  systematized delusions of persecution or grandeur . Paranoia can also be described as a thought process heavily influenced by  anxiety, suspicion, or fear , leading to irrational beliefs that others are out to harm or deceive the individual. It's a thing that some people have issues with. I'm not alone in this problem. I've had paranoid thoughts, paranoia at best. Mostly something to do with the government crashing through the windows to get me. It makes no sense to me at all. Yet it doesn't stop it from happening. I hate it. I honestly think I can do better than it, but my brain doesn't always see that for some reason.

 Ever wonder what this life is all about? Like it's some kind of dream or something. It doesn't feel real. It feels fake like. Does that make sense? I'm not sure if it does, but in a way it does to me. There are so many things in this life that just don't make sense to me and here I sit in wonder of it all I just have to sit back and wonder about it and not move forward with any of it until I am able to have a coherent thought about all of it. Yeah, something like that. It would be nice to be able to simply look forward and hope for something good in life. How can I do that effectively? My brain looks for disaster all of the time. There's nothing I haven't thought of, and that is a scary thought. So many possibilities out there of what can happen. So many things that might happen, and that alone scares me half to death. You'd think I would be able to figure out everything that goes on in this life. But I don't think I am able to, not right now. I don...

 Why does life feel so difficult at times? I don't understand it at all. That's just life you say? Well, I have some words to say about that. It's more than just life. Just life is a cop out. Just life is a lie. There has to be another answer, another thing to be said about everything that happens in one's life. It's easy to say something and then forget it. It's easy to mix up events that happen. Well, even though it's easy doesn't mean it's right. Maybe I'm just mistaken about whatever it is I'm talking about. There are times when I don't know what it is I'm talking about. Let's face it, I'm not perfect. Am I meant to be perfect? I don't know. That's life I suppose. Ah there it is again, just life. Such a stupid phrase. Two words that don't make sense. Yet, there they are. Don't allow them to be allowed to take over your thought process. No, don't allow them to simply take over whatever it is that makes y...

August 1, 2025 Dear Dad, I’m trying not to be sad. I’m trying not to be angry. But it’s so difficult for me. The truth is I miss you. I miss being able to pick up the phone and talk to you. Just tell me what to do and how to feel. Because right now I’m so confused! I don’t know how to feel right now dad. I just don’t know. I know you didn’t understand how I could have anxiety or my other mental issues. I wish you could have understood it but it’s okay. I want you to know I’m okay with it. Love, Kyle