DreamSense

 Telling the truth isn't always an easy thing to do, but it really is best to tell the truth. No matter the circumstance, you should tell the truth. If you are able to go into details, do it. If you can't, then simply tell the truth to the best of your ability. Don't sugar coat it. Just tell the facts simple and true. You'll be better off in the long run.

 That's right. Moved all of my things into storage, now I'm homeless for a little bit while I look for an apartment. I've never been in this kind of situation before. I've always had a place to live ready to go when I've sold a home. This is a new experience for me for sure. I hope everything goes okay, I'm sure it will and all...but I just hope it works out.

Everything becomes a realism at some point or another. No one decides what you wish to believe or want to understand. That is up to you. To want to believe in something takes courage. To want to understand what that belief is? Even more courage. What it all takes is courage to see the truth in something no matter what. There are times when we do not want to see the truth. We want to hide from it all. Kept safe in the world we created for ourselves. That peace of mind upon which we have the ability to stand. So, what’s the point of it all if we know the truth and yet we cannot accept the truth for what it is? Makes you wonder what this life is all about sometimes. What point is any of it? Are there times when we wish the truth wouldn’t be known? Sure. But when millions believe in something, trust something, hold onto something they’ve been taught their whole life…where does that leave the truth? How does that lead them into a righteous cause? Doesn’t make sense does it. What do yo...

 Moving things. There are things in our lives that define us. When you have to move those things out to make room for a smaller place, well that just makes you wonder. Why did I decide to accumulate all of these things in the first place? What purpose did they serve? Did they serve any purpose at all? It was a bunch of books. A lot of books that took up two shelves two books deep per shelf. Some had three. So what did these books have to do with my life? I didn't read them all. No way in hell did I ever get around to reading them all. So that's where I'm at. I sold them all today. Well most of them. Like 99% of them. I have roughly ten books left. Why did I keep those ten books? Do they serve a purpose for me? I'm not sure. But they stick around for a reason I'm sure.

 Not sure what to think about today. It's Wednesday, that's all I've got. I've been wanting to just sleep all day. Been up since about 4:30 this morning. It would be nice to be able to take a nap. But there's stuff to be done with selling the house, getting things ready for a garage sale etc. So after all that is taken care of maybe I can get some actual decent sleep.

It's just a windy day outside. I'm not a fan. It's rather annoying if you ask me. Things rattling around. My bones rattling around. Yeah all the crazy going on.

 The wife at the time was making coffee. She didn't tell me it was coffee. Just said that what she was making was flavoring added to water. I took a sip, and then drank the cup down. I then took hers and drank hers as well. She later told me it was coffee.

 Drinking a Pepsi because I can. Yep. I don't want to think about all the sugar that's in the darn thing. But well you know how it can be. I think? Maybe? Who knows anymore. There's so much thinking already done on the matter, I shouldn't have to worry about it right? Yeah something like that.

 Who knew that selling a house could be so annoying. You have to gather up all the things that need to go before you move out so you're not moving those things out with you. They become items to donate or sell in a garage sale.

 Oh there are times where you don't want to think something, you don't want to hear something. You just don't want it in your life at all. Yet it sticks around waiting for you to make some kind of move acknowledging it. Yeah that's not going to happen. Damn thoughts always creeping up on me when I least expect it. Whatever the price of these thoughts is, it's not worth it. I would rather not have such thoughts and simply be happy for once. But that's not how any of this works now is it? No, I didn't think so. So we just have to try our best to get through whatever this is and see what more is out there. Is that possible? I'm not sure. I hope it is possible. It doesn't mean life will be any easier by any means. Life will still be there, and it will still be difficult to get out of bed in the mornings. To be able to make decisions easily. Oh how wonderful that would be. For now, life is just an anchor pulling me down Ito the depths of the sea. I don...

 I have a composition book that has a unicorn sitting in an ice cream cone on the cover. I write in it. I write all the thoughts that pop in my head in it. Some thoughts are happy thoughts. Other thoughts are sad thoughts. Either way they are all the thoughts in my head. Sometimes I start a story that never gets completed. Life is a lot like that, so many stories that begin that never get completed. There's no resolution to them. It's an interesting process. Writing that is. Sometimes you just wish everything would close nicely. It doesn't always happen.

 

 Living a life that's free it doesn't come to everyone sometimes it's never seen people are bound they cannot move no matter the thought which crosses their mind yet that thought they might be able to free their mind of whatever controls them

 I live in fear most days. It doesn't make any sense to me. The fear is an odd one. It is from my phone. I can't stop thinking that it will ring and it will be something unpleasant. So I do my best to try to avoid my phone at all costs. I put it on silent. I put it in my room. But yet I check it once in a while to make sure there's nothing important coming through. It's a complicated mess. I hate it.

 Life is short, there's no other way to say it. A person can be here one moment and gone the next. Those moments they are with us, we must treasure and make the best of. You just never know when you'll say goodbye to a dear friend.

 Sleep is a wonderful thing. Especially a good nap during the middle of the day. I'm not sure if it's my medications that made me sleepy today or if I was just drained and tired. Either way? I took a nap and it felt amazing. There are things in life that are simple, a nap is one of them. When you get into the dreamland that's even better. I didn't go that far today, I just napped and let the hours tick on by. I feel refreshed and alert and awake. That's good enough for me.

 

 

 Is that good enough? I woke up? I would think that would be good enough for today. Not sure what today will bring though. Maybe something magical, maybe something good. Or it might just bring about nothing and that's just not enough for me. So here we are. A new day full of wonder and maybe something unique to get us through.

Living a life that's free of worry and coming out on top doesn't always mean victory

Happiness is key to that which is around only to find something which you cannot maintain

 Today is but a day  where nothing matters  except the rain  oh how the rain comes down  and washes all tears away  down into the abyss of nothing

 There needs to be some good thought process in life. Something good. Something worth living for. I wonder what those thoughts are. If I could understand exactly what I'm feeling? That would be a good start. But well I don't know what I'm feeling right now and that isn't any good. It would be nice to be able to figure life out. Just want to figure this life out and if I can't? Well that's a different problem now isn't it. So here we are. Overthinking and wondering what on earth is going on in this life. If there's anything I can say or do to fix it all, I best be thinking about it quick. However I don't know what's going on in life most days. That's where it sucks the most. It would be nice to be able to understand. Just to understand why I'm like this. I wish I could figure things out. What is it I can't figure out though exactly? I'm not sure I get that part of it all. Life is so messed up right now, I wish I could understand it...

  When I was little I was determined that everything had a purpose. If a room had a basket, something had to be placed in the basket. Even though the basket was decorative only. I didn’t understand that. How could something be for decoration and not be used? Everything needed to have a purpose.

 People go through things all the time. Most people will never know what that person is going through. They can hide it around people that well. It's sad they have to hide those feelings, those emotions, whatever it is they're going through. But in the end that's their choice to hide it and not seek help. They could be afraid to seek help. Fear is a great motivator to either do nor not do something. Sometimes fear is the one in control all along.

 Life is weird, I doubt it ever was meant to make much sense. We live for a while trying our best to understand the world around us and ourselves. We end up dying just like anyone else who comes across this Earth and then who knows what happens to us. Talk about a crazy time and place to be in at this moment. We don't always have the answers to all the questions that come across our path. That's okay though. No one needs to have all of the answers. Perhaps a few answers would suffice for now. But having all of the answers could be overwhelming. So here we are sitting and waiting, pondering whatever there is to ponder regarding our lives.

 What is this life about? What does it have to do with me? What do I have to do with it? Is it real? Am I real? Does any of it matter? So many questions I have on my mind. It would be nice to be able to think outloud for once without scaring myself away. Yes, it would be nice to be able to see everything out there which matters. So what matters exactly? I don't know. I wish I had an idea on it, but I don't. There are so many questions I have at times that it overclocks my brain. It's not a good nice feeling. No, it's more of torture than anything else. So here I sit. I wait to see what the new day brings for me.

Somedays are better than others. There are days where my fingers want to type faster than my thoughts can handle them. Well today is one of those days. Or I should say tonight is one of those nights. There isn't much else to be doing than simply living a life out here. Is that all we're supposed to think about? Just living a life? I don't know. If there was something more to this life than thinking it's okay, well I best be finding out what there is to be thought of. It would be nice to be able to figure everything out right now. Well that's not going to happen now is it? No it won't. There's so much to be done in this life and so much to acknowledge. But if we're here and we cannot move forward, what are we to do about any of it? That's the question which really boggles the mind at times. I wish I had all the answers but I don't. I don't have all the answers I need and that's a shame. If I had all the answers, I imagine life could ...

There are days that don't make sense. A lot of days actually. With this whole covid thing going around, I'd rather not think about it. Yet here I am thinking about it. I need time to think things through. I need a way to make everything better. The sadness that deepens me makes things worse. Who knows what will happen during all that? It would be nice to be able to snap my fingers and say poof everything is fine. Life doesn't work that way though. No, life doesn't work that way at all. It's an unfortunate thing. I would rather it did work that way, but no. It can't and it won't.

Here we have a simple do/while loop with the input from a Scanner going to a switch statement. import java.util.Scanner; import java.util.Date; public class Test { public static void main(String[] args) { Action action = new Action(); Scanner scanner = new Scanner(System.in); String in; do { System.out.print("> "); in = scanner.nextLine(); action.process(in); } while (!in.equals("quit")); } } class Action { public Action() { } public void process(String in) { switch(in) { case "date": date(); break; } } public void date() { System.out.println(new Date().toString()); } }

There are days in this life where we don’t really have a clue what’s going on at all. That’s okay. Those days come and go. They don’t have to stick around. Then there are days where we think we know what’s going on, but we really don’t and we are lost. Being lost can be normal from time to time. We don’t mean to be lost, we don’t even mean to have those feelings that we have while we’re lost. We eventually find our way back and being lost wasn’t so scary to begin with.

Here's a simple HTML class in Java for creating a very simple HTML page. package com.dreamsense.html; /** * HTML Elements * HTML Elements is a class that contains some basic Elements * for creating a basic HTML document. * @author Kyle Eggleston * @version 1.0 * @since 1.0 **/ public class Html { /** * Heading 1 **/ public static String H1 = "h1"; /** * Heading 2 **/ public static String H2 = "h2"; /** * Heading 3 **/ public static String H3 = "h3"; /** * Heading 4 **/ public static String H4 = "h4"; /** * Heading 5 **/ public static String H5 = "h5"; /** * Heading 6 **/ public static String H6 = "h6"; /** * Paragraph **/ public static String P = "p"; /** * address **/ public static String ADDRESS = "address"; /** * HR **/ public static String HR = "hr"; /** * BR **/ public static String BR = "br"; ...

Here's an example of Hello World in ColdFusion. You could do this with variables but I decided to just go with the simple approach. <cfoutput>Hello World</cfoutput>

There's a word out there called disappointment. It comes in various forms and shapes and sizes. There's not much you can do about it when it pops its  ugly head up. But you can react. You can choose how you will react to it all and how you will be able to go through life after it happens. It's not always an easy path to travel, but you are able to do it.

Sometimes we wake up from a terrible nightmare. We wonder if we are actually awake or if we are still in the dream. That's the worst part of it all. The nightmare itself can be explained away easily. But the part where we don't know if we are actually awake from the terrible thing, well that's a different story.

I don't care for the way you look at me there isn't anything I can do about it you will do what you will do I don't care for your glare your self righteous attitude the way you smile sinisterly at me I just don't care nor should you care for life is short

You know, with all this Covid19 stuff going around, it makes life a little difficult. You go to a gas station wearing a mask. You go to the grocery story wearing a mask. If you go out to eat the wait staff is wearing a mask. Everywhere you look, people are wearing masks. There's no escaping it. If you don't wear a mask, you are looked down on. People tell you that you should be wearing a mask. It's like you have the plague if you aren't wearing a mask. Yeah it's that crazy out there. Might as well stay home and not go out or do anything. 

Life had little meaning I was sure of that if only but a moment it all held true I didn't have a clue if life would stick it out my own life was in danger and I could not see it

Had I a way To tame the sky It would be futile For the sky cannot be tamed It must roam free

There are times you wish to gather input from the console. There are a few ways of doing this. Here is one way of getting input from the user via the console: public class Test { public static void main(String[] args) { String in; in = System.console().readLine(); System.out.println(in); } }

A frame is a window for your application. It is the basic part and ground where your Swing application lives. import javax.swing.JFrame; public class Frame { public static void main(String[] args) { JFrame frame = new JFrame(); frame.setSize(400,400); frame.setDefaultCloseOperation(JFrame.EXIT_ON_CLOSE); frame.setVisible(true); } }

It is but a day. I for one do not understand a lot of what goes on during a day. It isn't the best thought to believe that which cannot be believed. I would rather have an understanding of everything there is to understand. But I don't believe that is for everyone. To understand everything would be to know everything. Wouldn't that be confusing at times? One would think so. Confusing and downright infuriating. To live such a life wouldn't be fair. A lot wouldn't be fair or fun at that point. So here we sit waiting for something better to come along. If that something does not come along, then we are stuck here waiting.

Hello World is the first program any programming student learns. System.out.println("Hello World!");

<h1>Hello World</h1>

Okay, let's say that God did command Joseph Smith to practice polygamy in order to restore all things. Why didn't Joseph Smith simply marry one additional person? Have two wives instead of the number he had? Wouldn't that have completed the commandment to practice polygamy?

“The honest investigator must be prepared to follow wherever the search of truth may lead. Truth is often found in the most unexpected places. He must, with fearless and open mind insist that facts are far more important than any cherished, mistaken beliefs, no matter how unpleasant the facts or how delightful the beliefs.” Hugh B. Brown – General Conference, October 1962

The title says it all. People just want to write. I just want to write. I don't want to worry about styles or anything like that. I just simply want to put words down onto paper, or digitally rather. Paper can come later. It's those moments where all you want to do is just throw out words and form sentences, you don't want to have to think about font sizes or selections. Should this word be blue, or red? Should it be Times new Roman or Arial? Forget those decisions and just simply write.

Ah the great part of life...or something like that. select * from users where clue > 0 Ever wonder if people have a clue what's going on in their own life, let alone the lives of others? At what point does a person actually become aware of another being's ability to exist? Having a clue is what's needed the most in this day and age, and by the looks of things not everyone has that understanding.

Don't think about tomorrow, focus on today. Today is now. Today is what's important right this moment. Tomorrow can come when tomorrow comes. Do not worry about that. Don't look at tomorrow yet, it's not here. Focus on what you can do today.

The life of Elder Abel Thornton, late of Johnston, R.I. A preacher in the Free-Will Baptist Connexion, and a member of the R.I.Q. meeting "And we see that death comes upon mankind, yea, the death which has been spoken of by Amulek, which is the temporal death; nevertheless there was a space granted unto man in which he might repent; therefore this life became a probationary state; a time to prepare to meet God; a time to prepare for that endless state which has been spoken of by us, which is after the resurrection of the dead." (Alma 12:24)

It wasn't until the lad was three that he did learn how to handle his folks No one knew what to do regarding the boy when he learned how to fly Soaring and going the boy would move through the sky until the worst happened The townspeople were scared of the boy who could fly they avoided him much most of the time The boy didn't let this get him down for he knew it all too well his life was his own

What is this life I whispered to the sky out of all the options in the day, I had no clue Why must I suffer and deal with hardships when nothing else matter will do

There are many times in this life where the words just don't stick around...nothing sticks around. It would be nice to be able to just express whatever you wanted to express and not worry about any of it. Life has to come by its own way and you have to be able to understand what's going on. Yet here we are, and not everything makes sense. It doesn't want to make sense. It doesn't feel like it should make sense. I don't even know what that means. But that's what it feels like. I wish I could just snap my fingers and fix everything. Life doesn't work like that either.

Ever wonder if what you're going through you're not alone in it? It can be true, but most people aren't around or near you. What do you do then? Hope for the best? You wish and hope and pray that something good will happen in your life. There's not much more than that. There are so many things to accomplish in this life. Best be awake when the opportunities arrive.

Once upon a time what a silly way to begin a story… but whatever. Once upon a time, you know that really is a strange way to begin a story. I mean what on earth does it mean? Yeah, I don’t know either… Anyway where was I? Oh yeah, the beginning… ahem. Once upon a time, there was this little jellybean named Peach. Now Peach was an insomniac of sorts, never getting any sleep… or was that Winkie… darn I hate it when I get these little critters confused. hmmm Anyway, there sat Peach at a desk, as she always did, listening to music. Walking into the room, I noticed that she was listening to Lords of Acid, and what an interesting song that was. Humming along to the melody… yes I said humming, not humping! um…. anyway, she looked up to me and nodded. I just looked at her and said “Well, at least you’re doing something constructive with your time.” Peach glared at me as though she were getting ready to bite my shoe. Peach would get that way once in a while, doing this ...

Feels kind of weird today. Not sure why. Well aside from the normal/usual. I was feeling agitated so I took some meds. Well the first one was taking its sweet time to get to me. So I took another one. Yeah...that's what did me in. Now I'm sleepy. Tired at best. Just very very sleepy. Struggling to keep my eyes awake and open right now. Oh well. I'm sure it will be okay eventually. Just have to get through dinner and then I can go relax. Maybe even take a nap if I feel up to it.   Hmm did the time change? I think the time changed. I'm not sure though. I recall someone saying something about a time different and/or change coming...possibly today. Maybe that's all it is. I don't know.

You're in the middle of an anxiety or panic attack. You don't know what to do about it, so you sit there waiting for something to happen. Something bad? Maybe. Something terrible? Possibly. Your mind is racing and telling you this that and everything else. So you pray and hope it stops. Hoping it stops does nothing...yet you're here waiting. Simply waiting for anything to happen. Something good. You need something good to happen. You take a pill. After 15 minutes...the pill kicks in and you can relax.

It is to be understood yet never quite fully understood, that we are here for a reason. We might never come up with the reason why we are here, but that is okay. There are days where we simply don't understand anything going on in this life. We are here for some reason, but what is that reason exactly? I do not have all of the answers needed in order to fully comprehend any of this life. Such reasons and answers must come by their own way. They have to come from their own understanding and without any kind of objection from the thinker of the thoughts. Yet, if we do not think, we cannot be understood by others. To think before speaking is key. Ever experience something so profound and yet so terrible at the same time? You're just sitting there and a thought crosses your mind. What do you do about it? Do you accept the thought? Do you allow the thought to go? Does that thought linger to a point where you simply don't know what to do with it an...

There are things in this crazy life when nothing else is known Some call it water others it's a stepping stone Becareful where you sleep and mindful where you tread For a morning in the future you might just end up dead A wasted day of sleep is more to the mind at ease Rest is a forgotten word amidst all the work Take a moment to yourself and recall both good and bad You never know what it is you'll lose you'll never know what you had

Ephesians 2:8-9 For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast. Oh I hear you trying to say that you have to have works, because "faith without works is dead", and that people will show you their faith through their works. There seems to be a bit of a confusion on how we are saved. Does not the bible say "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life?" We have to believe in Jesus Christ, we have to have faith in Jesus Christ, we have to believe in the word, read the word, allow the word to bury a root within us so we may be saved.

There’s a strange noise coming from outside my house. I dare say it’s the city working on something. It’s annoying. That’s what it is. Don’t even start to discuss why it’s annoying. Just a random noise, someone digging a hole or something. Fixing a pipe or something. It’s always “or something” isn’t it. Let’s not think about all the times “or something” came to mind. It happens to get lost in the shuffle and destroyed within ones mind. Someone will come along and fix it all you think. Well that someone never comes along and you just don’t quite know or understand what’s going on with any of it. So we sit here and we think about what’s going on. We want to understand and grasp everything, but we simply don’t know or have a clue of what to do about any of it. So we wait. What is it we wait for? Clarification of some kind. We hope and want to have an understanding of whatever that thing was. The noise that enters our mind keeps coming. We keep waiting. There appears to be no end...

It is only through Jesus Christ that we are saved. It says so in the bible: "'And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.' Thomas said to him, 'Lord, we don’t know where you are going, so how can we know the way?'  Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.  If you really know me, you will know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him.” (John 14)

Remember The Good Times  Times will come and go, as will life. You just never know when times will be good or bad. It's important to remember the good times. It's those times you'll look back on fondly and remembering that things aren't always that bad. Life can turn around faster than you think. Stronger than you ever hoped for.

My only friends are Pirates... ~ Kenny Chesney Listened to this song today. Makes me wonder at times if I really am better just as a memory and nothing else. Listen to the lyrics, you don't need to go further than that. Sometimes all we feel is that we're not good enough for a person. We don't belong. We're an outcast or something along those lines. We simply don't belong anywhere, espeically in a relationship.

To be or not to be, that is the question. ~ Hamlet Ever have a moment in life where you simply wonder what is going on? If you exist, if you belong etc? I would hope I'm not alone in this thinking. What if we don't actually exist? What if we are here and yet we are simply in someone else's mind. Our lives being played out in a dream.   unsplash-logo Lionello DelPiccolo

Have to focus need to breathe want to find a way to live Survival of the fittest never seemed to be the easiest way to thrive Living as a metaphor surviving in the night hoping for a life to be just quite right

There are multiple First Vision accounts for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. That is, the experience of Joseph Smith seeing God face to face and talking with Him and Jesus Christ. Last General Conference, a worldwide church meeting for the LDS faith, President Russel M. Nelson stated that church members need to brush up on the First Vision. He didn't state where to read it. Earlier this year, it was clarified that one should go to the Pearl of Great Price for the version to read. Interesting how just the other year, the church changed its narrative regarding the First Vision in it's book Saints. It attempted to mash all of the different accounts into one.

Ah Lcars interfaces... I managed to get a few screenshots from a video game, DS9 Harbinger. So I created my own "bash" of the two. Obviously a Federation LCARS wouldn't be showing up in a DS9 interface, but I found it interesting for sure. I plan on creating my own Cardassian LCARS interface, I need to do some major research on it first to see how it all works and looks though.

I mean it is possible right? The CDC has an entire section of their website for such a thing of zombies... some could think it was a joke. Others might think it is for real. Does the CDC know something we don't? Could the Coronavirus be linked to a zombie pandemic at all, and we're just sitting here twiddling our thumbs waiting for something to happen? Yeah something like that. It would be nice to be able to figure out for certain. I mean who know what might happen with it all. If we do end up as zombies, I hope I die a quick death. https://www.cdc.gov/cpr/zombie/index.htm

Doctors can be interesting at times. You just never know what they'll do next or how they'll go about doing it. I mean some doctors do things they think is right...I suppose all doctors do things they think is right. You just never know which doctor is right and which doctor is wrong. Who do you fully believe ya know? Yeah, that's a weird thing for sure.

I'm not sure how else to explain it. Life is weird... it's more than weird, it's annoying and evil and just plain down right disgusting. I"m wide awake right now and I don't know what to do with myself. I mean come on now, I should be able to figure out something in this life. Yet I can't and here I am wondering what will happen when life is all over and everything ends. Will I be happy? I'm not happy now....that's not fair though. I should be happy. I should be able to be happy. I don't understand it. Happiness doesn't come simply because I will it to come, something has to give.

What is the purpose of life? I’m really getting stumped at this level of thought. I mean I know what we’re supposed to believe is the purpose of life, to do all we can become to live with God again, have multiple wives, create our own planets and have lots of spirit babies so they can do exactly what we went through while we were here on earth. However, that really doesn’t answer the question. If that’s all we’re here to do...I mean doesn’t that seem kind of redundant and boring to you? It does to me. I’d rather think we’d live with God instead of going off on our own. Wouldn’t you want to be with that being who gave you life forever? Instead of going off being your own god and creating whatever you wanted etc? I don’t know...there has to be something more to it than that. Maybe I’m just not thinking about it all clearly, and I don’t know what’s going on at all. Perhaps that’s just how this life is meant to be played out? Who’s to know exactly how this life works. We all li...

What exactly is life? I mean is it something to be happy about? Is it something to be cherished and needed, wanted, wished for? Makes you wonder at times doesn't it. Yeah, that's what I think too. Who are you talking to? Oh hello there, I'm talking to my audience would you like to join in? No, not really. Okay, you can just sit there...I guess and um do what... Observe Right, observe. We'll um let that one observe sure... what was I talking about? Oh right, life. Why do we live here on this planet? I mean, if there's to be a belief in some supernatural being, why are we here? If there isn't a belief in a supernatural being, why are we here? What is life's purpose? There are a lot of people who want to believe in a supreme being. They want that figure to look over them and watch out for them. Others don't know what they want...they look to other things to hope for. It's an interesting thought process if you think about it. I'...

 Yep, that's right, had a vacation. It was nice to get away. Actually it was just very much needed to visit family after the latest bout I've had. Getting divorced and going through all of the mental things...was just a bit too much for my mind. I had to get away for a bit. So I did. It was relaxing, didn't have any panic attacks and was able to come back calm, cool, and collected. Like I said it was very much needed. Visited with family while I was away, and that was good.

That’s right. Refuse to quit. Don’t do it. You don’t have to continue with anything if you don’t want to. You can refuse to quit. You can keep going. There’s nothing anyone can do with it. It’s your choice to keep moving forward.

It was dark out. There I was sitting all alone. Left. Alone in the dark. No one to see me sitting there. No one else seemed to care. All because I was left alone in the dark.

That’s what tonight feels like. Never asleep. Awake because of reasons. There’s nothing wrong with that. Yet it’s what I feel. It’s what I do. Nothing matters anymore. I’m unable to figure it all out.

Oh there are times when nothing makes sense. We all want it to, but it doesn't and so what do we do about it? We run and hide. We run away so far away to a place where there's nothing we are able to do about it. We run inside our minds and souls, hoping to get away from it all. So we run away. Then what happens? That next bit is up to you.

Life has a way to make you remember things and actions that you have done. There isn’t much else to do with this life. You either go forward or you don’t. There is no turning back. No point in turning back. Life gets in the way like that. It can be a merry go round or a tower terror drop. Either way you’re here and there’s nothing you’re able to do about it. People would have you believe you have complete control over your life. This isn’t the complete case. For example you don’t have control over getting certain diseases. If life wills you to have those diseases you will have them. If it doesn’t you won’t. That’s just how this life can be.

There are some things in this life that you just can’t figure out. I’ve see. A few of those and well I can’t understand them at all. Why would that be? Doesn’t make much sense to me. Yet here we are and that’s all which matters for now.

There will come that day when you think you can help someone, but it doesn't work out the way you expect it to. Too many things in the way where you just cannot help that person you wish you could help. So you try your best and hope for the best. Eventually they tell you they're going to sleep. You tried and there's nothing else to be done about it. Fortunately they chose sleep over doing anything else. Maybe something tomorrow or the next day. I don't know. Just wishing and hoping there was a way to help them out the best way I know how....I just wish I knew how to do that.

Darn Polar Bears were keeping me up last night. Not sure what on earth they were doing… thought they hibernated during this time of year. Guess I was wrong. All I could hear was a seasaw. Guess the Polar Bears were just not sleepy and wanted to have some fun? Yeah no clue. I think I’ll waddle over to their habitat later on and see what they’re up to. We’ve been neighbors for a while now… and haven’t gotten to know them. Or I’ll just go looking for fish. Mmmm fish.

Some penguins like to be tickled… others do not. I for one… do not enjoy the tickling. I tend to kick… and or scream. It’s my nature… I’m a penguin. Don’t touch me unless I invite you to. That simple right? Right… well so my owner thought. They touched me… I bit them back. Now I’m behind bars… kinda a sad life for a penguin. Being behind bars like this. I’m sure some of my penguin friends will come rescue me. Sure they “call” it a zoo… but it’s something far worse than that. People coming by every day to take a look… a “quick peek”. Yeah if it were such a “quick” one, why would they let their kids gock at me all friggin day? Yeah… something like that. Oh well. At least the temperature is right… and they keep the polar bears next door behind a pane of glass. That’s nice of them. I’m not a fan of the polar bears… they tend to freak me out. Kinda creepy if you ask me. There’s another penguin in here with me… she doesn’t talk much. Come to think of it she doesn’t...

Woke up this morning in my … for lack of a better word, cell. To find the polar bears playing their polar bear games. Looking over the wall, I could see them. They sure know how to have fun. Silly polar bears. I wouldn’t mind introducing myself to them… if I knew they wouldn’t try and eat me. We’ll have to see how that pans out. There are currently three polar bears in the next cell. A large male and two females… what the luck. All they gave me was a stuffed female penguin. Yeah that’s right, she’s stuffed… and not in a good way. Nope, she’s a penguin… just not real. Hopefully they’ll bring me someone more talkative… but for now I’ll just stick to watching polar bears.

Went out walking today. Decided to take in my surroundings. Came upon a truck. The keys were in the ignition and the door unlocked… so I took it for a drive around the block. Now don’t ask me what a truck was doing in front of the house… but well I couldn’t pass up an opportunity. I’m used to surfing on ice burgs and swimming. But never had the opportunity to drive before. Hopping in the drivers seat, I started the engine. Looking down to the floor, I realized I couldn’t reach the pedals. So I just sat in the truck and listened to music.

Was sitting there this morning doing my usual thing. Sitting. I’m a penguin after all. Flipped on the TV, and saw this cute baby seal. I thought to myself, why on earth is there a cute baby seal on my TV? I mean a baby walrus I could understand, or a baby dolphin… perhaps even a baby penguin… but a baby seal? Wrote a letter to the TV company asking them why they would show such things on MY TV of all things. Don’t they understand I’m a penguin and I don’t want to be watching seal porn on my TV? They didn’t quite know what to make of it… guess the talking penguin part was too much for them. I’m now in the pound… yup they sent a dog catcher after me. Oh well… at least I have cards.

Had a strange experience this morning… woke up in a shoe box in a freezer. I’m not sure what I was doing in that freezer… I do like the cold, but something tells me I had been there a long time. Not sure exactly how long mind you… just a while. It was quite strange. Hopping out of the box, next to some frozen chicken legs, I manged to use an ice cube as leverage to open the door. I know a thing or two about ice. Growing up around the stuff all the time. As the door to the freezer opened, I found myself in an amusing place known as a kitchen. Poking around a bit, I soon realized I didn’t remember who I was. I suppose it’s time to figure that out… I’m a penguin… on a mission.

Say no to things. Say no to those things you aren’t comfortable with. If you don’t want to do it? Say no. It’s not easy at first. It’s never an easy thing to do. But if you feel like saying no. Do it. Say no. Get in the habit of saying no. It’s not going to kill you.

Today is Valentine's Day. It's different. Different is good...just not used to the difference yet. I mean, it's way different. That's fine and to be expected after a divorce. So here we sit thinking about how different everything is. Talk about a train wreck at times.

My girlfriend keeps saying this phrase as a declaration that she's not going anywhere. I've had anxiety over people leaving etc. It is a scary thing. They are there one day and gone the next. It's a risky way to do anything if you don't expect them to stick around much. So if you don't expect people to stay, what do you do? How do you cope if/when they leave you? That has been a question I've been wondering myself for a long while. I still don't have an answer for it.

If this helps at least one person, then that's good.

I am but a bird in this life. A cage I call home. Running isn’t an option. Until they come and feed me. Then may I make my flight out of this place. Oh how I shall fly and soar to the highest heights. Yes dear human, open my cage.

Living a life wasn’t meant to be this way. Some would have you say it was an excellent achievement. Others would have you believe it was not. Either way, life found a way to divide itself out. By doing so, life would eventually end.

So, not everyone can say they’ve stayed a week, let alone two, in the Behavioral Health unit of a hospital. That’s the place you go when you’re having suicidal thoughts and possible actions. I never thought I would have done that myself, but well there I was sitting in the ER having blood drawn and questions asked of me. How did I get to this place in my life, am I using drugs etc. The room I was in initially was void of any electrical equipment. Literally anything I could have used to harm myself had been removed from the room. A security guard was waiting outside the door in case I decided to bolt and make a run for it, or something. Basically he was there to keep me safe. They made me put on a yellow hospital gown, which didn’t have any strings. You’ll get used to the no strings at all thing in a moment. You couldn’t have any strings at all. Shoelaces were removed, any strings in PJs or Sweat Pants were cut out, belts were taken away. Any possible chance of hanging yourself w...

Waking up early should be like a sin or something. I woke up at 2:30am this morning. It wasn't anything I've done in a while. Well at least a week or two. But that's okay I guess? Maybe? No, I called it a sin that's right. So I can't just accept waking up that early.... but when you're not alone up at that time, what can you do? Exactly.

Living with a mental illness isn’t a cake walk. You don’t get to decide when to have a panic attack or how that panic attack might look. But you can try to control panic attacks and suicidal thoughts and actions. Depression is a main issue as well, as people suffer from a multiple amount of such psychosis during their lifetime. A chemical imbalance in the brain is what they call it. It’s not anything you want to battle ever. But, because someone has a chemical imbalance doesn’t mean anything bad. You don’t need to shy away from talking to them about it, and you don’t need to be ashamed that you have it either. It’s just what life deals you.

Went to lunch with some friends today. It was therapeutic. Now I'm exhausted and don't know what to do or where to do it. Ya know what I mean? Yeah, something like that. So that's where I'm at right now. It's okay I suppose...I just need to make sure I am able to function later and tomorrow morning when I have dr. appointments. Doesn't seem like a normal life does it? Nah, didn't think so.

I don't enjoy sleeping, I enjoy waking up from sleep even worse. I'm always reminded of the same thing over and over again. I hate it all. There's nothing worse than actually feeling like you have to do something in order to fall asleep, or something to wake up from sleep. Yeah, it can be that bad. Hopefully I'll someday be able to figure this all out and everything will be the same again. If it doesn't? Well, who knows what I'm meant to be doing with that information.

Not everyone understands what goes on in your own life. They barely understand what goes on in their lives. Life is a silly thing that comes and goes, long before we can grasp it we want to have some kind of understanding of whatever happens in it all on a daily basis. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way, life comes at us in many different kinds and ways of issues. We sometimes get what's going on, yet most of the time we don't have a clue. It would be nice to be able to have an idea of what to do with this life when we simply don't have a clue of what is going on. So we try and see if we can get through it the best we can. If those kinds of thoughts and feelings are wrong, I'd rather not be right. I'm sure I've said that before, I can't remember exactly when that happened, but I've said it before. There's not reason not to believe certain things in life will be a total letdown or a failure. That's okay. Sometimes you just have to deal wit...