Stressful Situation

 Stress. It's the cause of so many things. It can be caused by so many things too. I'm not sure what to think about stress, just that it's there. It exists and I have to live and deal with it. I'd rather not think about it at times. But it's always there. There's nothing I can do about it. I can try breathing exercises and whatnot, but what do they really accomplish. Nothing. It feels like I have an angry chip on my shoulder. I really don't feel angry, but it feels like it's there. Like an actual something on my shoulder. I don't know what to do about it. Why must life be so difficult lately?

Depression has gotten the better of me over the past who knows how long. I don't enjoy being depressed. But it's what I am doing at the moment. So, I go along with whatever happens to me in my life. The screaming can stop anytime now. Constant telling myself that I'm no good. No one wants me around. Why do I even exist. Those thoughts and more fill my mind. I wish they didn't cloud my mind with pointless thoughts. I don't think I can tell you about all my voices and how they attack me and make me feel bad about myself. They're always around waiting to attack. They attack me at the moments when I'm low. Like today. They're constantly beating me up. There needs to be peace and calm in my life. I don't know how to get there.

I feel so lost. I'm a nobody. Who would care about me to begin with. Just toss me aside and get it over with. Allow me to be eaten by the wolves of this life. There's no point in surviving any longer. What's the use?

The voices tell me to cut myself. I do not comply. There's no reason to comply with that demand. They can go to hell.

I can feel myself slipping away into something. I'm not sure what that something is at this time. I'll have to see where that goes. If it goes anywhere of course. Life needs to feel better. It needs to get better somehow. All of this negativity in my life isn't good for me. I do not like it one bit. It needs to go away.

Maybe Life Isn't Worth It

 Life can be so frustrating at times. Maybe it's just not worth going through the motions of anything anymore. Can I call it a day already? My mind is so messed up right now. I don't know what to do with any of it. It would feel much better if I could check out for a day or two. I don't know what else to do. Just allow me to check out seems nice. If I could allow that, and be able to come back, I think I would be okay. Sure, it's disassociation and I probably should avoid such a thing, but it feels like it needs to happen. I'm used to it, so why not.

I hate my life. I don't see how no one can see it. Am I keeping it deep inside far too long? I don't know.

Had some crazy ass nightmares last night. I dreamed I was in a mental hospital, but they were abusing the patients. It was like a warzone. I didn't like that nightmare at all. I would wake up and slip right back into the nightmare, it would continue where I left off. It was very disturbing to say the least.

Life feels kind of stressful at the moment. I hate it. I wish it all would end. However, that needs to be done. It just needs to happen. I'm sure I'll figure things out eventually. They can't always be bothering me. I hope they can't always be bothering me. It's something to consider. Something to think about maybe.

Until then I'll just keep writing whatever pops into my head and I'll have to deal with it. I hope I can keep reality separate from whatever my mind makes up. My therapist says I use disassociation as a coping mechanism. I'm sure that doesn't sound good in any way it's framed. Man, I feel so stressed. I feel like I have no one to talk to. It's annoying.

What is it about death that freaks everyone out? If someone wants to go, why can't they just go. No questions asked. I don't understand why this just can't be a thing. When it's your time to go, it's time to go.

Going Crazy

 Ever feel like you're going crazy? There are days where I feel like I'm losing it. I don't know how to deal with all of this. It'll be okay, I know it'll be okay, but I don't quite understand how it will be okay. So that's that, I guess. There needs to be a way to figure out whatever happens in this life. Is it all meant to be good or bad? Is that all there is? A black and white kind of situation, I guess. I don't know. So many things would be nice to be able to just figure out.

Anxiety

 Oh Anxiety, you know the feeling. Some anxiety is okay, other anxiety is not. Some anxiety keeps you moving forward like it should, other anxiety makes it so you cannot move forward completely. The bad kind of anxiety is the constant worry about everything and anything that can be worried about. Someone always watching your moves etc. Well, that goes into more paranoia than anxiety. But the feeling that you're not good enough, the constant put downs etc. The world is going to end in any moment, and you don't have a decent clothing option to meet death.

Oh yeah all of those feelings are real and valid. It's nothing to be ashamed of though, so please don't think you have to be ashamed of having anxiety. It's just real and normal for some people. Well, I shouldn't use the term "normal", it's not normal at all in any way possible. That's why there are doctors that specialize in such issues and medicine. There's medicine that will help you out.

I've personally have had issues with Anxiety since 2003. That was the first time I was diagnosed with it. I had this fear of answering the phone at work I would throw up every morning just thinking about it. It really threw me for a loop, and I had no way of dealing with it. I enjoyed my work, it was fun, but I just couldn't deal with the phones for some reason.

Went to the doctor and he suggested to put me on some medication. It helped out a lot, I was so happy. Years later that medication no longer worked for me, so I ended up getting put on something else that I now use that makes me work and function like I should.

So bottom line. It's okay if you have anxiety. But please seek medical professional help if it's more than the usual things that people experience. There's help for you.

I Want To Scream

 

I know, what's there to worry about? Oh, what isn't there to worry about? There just feels like so many things are in the way of this life. I don't know how to go about fixing any of it. Does that make sense?

I hope it does make some kind of sense, because if it doesn't? Then we're in some serious issues. Like life-or-death kind of issues. Yeah, something like that. But I don't know how to express any of it.

I suppose I could begin with the story of me.

Yes, that would probably be a good starting point. The story of me. But how exactly to begin that story? I mean there are so many different aspects to it all. So many things that don't make sense but only to me.

I suppose I'll have to figure out some kind of way to make it all make sense. Then I can share it with you.

Stressed

Just a tad stressed out tonight. I have got to figure things out. Just getting behind on things... doesn't make sense how I'm getting behind... doesn't make sense at all. One would think it would make better sense and would work out easier the way it should.

Nope not a clue. How do people do this? Wish I knew... wish I knew. But no I sure as heck don't know how it's meant to work out. Feeling so lost right now.

Have to figure this one out. Need to figure this one out.

No clue how it's all meant to be. I just don't know.

I'm sure this will make no sense to anyone. That's fine. I hear that life isn't meant to make any sense... it's just there. Or here. Who knows what it is anymore. I sure don't. Wish I did. That would be nice. Oh well... I'm sure I'll figure something out eventually.

Stress and Life

There's an interesting thing about life that not a lot of people worry about. Stress. They say there's good stress and bad stress. Yeah that.

Sometimes the bad stress takes its hold on you... leaving you helpless. Well you feel helpless, doesn't make any sense at times. One would think it would eventually make sense.

I wish it would make sense. Wish there was a simple way to just slow down and take a breath. But that's where the issues come into play. There isn't always the time to take a breath. Taking a breath can make you think and stress even more.

I hate that feeling... trapped Ya can't move, there's nowhere to run.

Yeah... got to stop thinking tonight for sure.