DreamSense

Under Pressure by Kyle Eggleston Ever feel like you’re under pressure to believe or think a certain way? You’re just stuck in an ever going circle hoping to please those all around you, you never know for certain if you’ll actually please any of them but that’s what you want to do. You want to make other people happy and make sure they’re content in all and everything they do. So why can’t I focus on my wants and needs to make me happy in this life? Makes sense right? I mean I want to be happy, why can’t I find a way to focus on me for once? I’m too afraid of what other people will think and say...it’s almost better off if I were no longer living. If I were dead. Something like that. I would rather be dead than experiencing no joy in my life ever again. Why do I feel this way? Why don’t I understand how best to make my life better? You’re not worth it. I know that, don’t you think I know this? Of course I’m not worth the love I give others. I’m not worth allowing that same love t...

 There are things in this life that we worry about. I am here to say do not worry about them. They will be able to be figured out in their own due time. There is a plan for everyone. Not everyone sees it, but it is there. Be at peace because of this. There is nothing to worry about. Life will find a way to figure itself out. Of course you do have to put some leg work in. Life can't do it by itself. But you will know what to do when that time comes.

 Woke up at 4:30 again this morning. I don't know what's going on. There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. I simply don't get it. If I did, I wouldn't be questioning any of this. But here I am wondering what the heck is going on. When I wake up, I can't fall back to sleep. So, I tend to get up. So yeah, I've been up since 4:30 this morning. Being awake so long gives me time to think about things. A bit overthinking has happened as well; I'm not a fan of that part of it. But it is what it is. Someday I'll figure things out to where I don't overthink anything and I'll be more stable. But that's just how life is right now. There's nothing I can do about it, it would seem. At least it doesn't look like I can do anything about it right now. There are so many things to learn over again. I'm not sure how that will look or what I'll be doing. But I need to learn a lot of things over again. I'm pretty sure I can tak...

 I feel trapped in my own body full of emotions and I don't know what to do with any of them. I'm severely depressed. I can tell the symptoms. I don't even want to get out of bed anymore. I feel so lost. It sucks. I really don't know what to do about it. I've gone downhill so fast it feels. I need something to push my engine back uphill. Like the "Little Engine That Could", kind of thing. But I don't even know if that will do anything. I hate feeling this way. Putting on a fake smile for everyone to see. Lying to myself that I'm okay, that I'll be okay. I am not going to be okay. There's a problem with me, and I don't know what to do about it. So that's where I am currently in this stage of life. It sucks. I hate it. I wish I could do something about it. Life needs to end. Everyone needs a free ride to Heaven. I'm not going to Heaven. I'm not going to Hell either. I think I'll just be in the middle somewhere chilling out...

 I don't know where the depression stops, and my own thoughts begin. That's how bad it can be at times. I feel so alone, so down in my life. I haven't felt this down in a long time. I wish someone had all the answers to it that wasn't medicine. But I doubt anyone has any answers like that. It's just a thing I have to get through, I guess. So many things in this life that don't make sense and here I am sitting in the middle of it all. So, what am I supposed to do about all of this? I need to do something. Anything. I don't want to talk to another therapist. All they do is cost money. I keep paying and paying and it feels like a waste of time. Something needs to happen. Something good. I just don't know what it is. Life just isn't fair right now. If I could go back to the way life was, I might be able to figure out things better. But there's no going back is there. No, I didn't think so. This life is difficult at best. I'm drowning in just ...

 So, my beard has started to show a bit of grey in it. It's been going on for a while now, so it's not new. It used to be fully red. I've been told it adds character for me. I'm not sure I see it. It adds something, old age. It would be nice if it didn't go grey yet. But I don't have any control over that. I'm sure it has to do with all the stress I'm under day to day. I haven't found a way to release that stress. Not yet that is. Eventually I will, but today is not that day.

 Stress. It's the cause of so many things. It can be caused by so many things too. I'm not sure what to think about stress, just that it's there. It exists and I have to live and deal with it. I'd rather not think about it at times. But it's always there. There's nothing I can do about it. I can try breathing exercises and whatnot, but what do they really accomplish. Nothing. It feels like I have an angry chip on my shoulder. I really don't feel angry, but it feels like it's there. Like an actual something on my shoulder. I don't know what to do about it. Why must life be so difficult lately? Depression has gotten the better of me over the past who knows how long. I don't enjoy being depressed. But it's what I am doing at the moment. So, I go along with whatever happens to me in my life. The screaming can stop anytime now. Constant telling myself that I'm no good. No one wants me around. Why do I even exist. Those thoughts and more fill m...

 Life can be so frustrating at times. Maybe it's just not worth going through the motions of anything anymore. Can I call it a day already? My mind is so messed up right now. I don't know what to do with any of it. It would feel much better if I could check out for a day or two. I don't know what else to do. Just allow me to check out seems nice. If I could allow that, and be able to come back, I think I would be okay. Sure, it's disassociation and I probably should avoid such a thing, but it feels like it needs to happen. I'm used to it, so why not. I hate my life. I don't see how no one can see it. Am I keeping it deep inside far too long? I don't know. Had some crazy ass nightmares last night. I dreamed I was in a mental hospital, but they were abusing the patients. It was like a warzone. I didn't like that nightmare at all. I would wake up and slip right back into the nightmare, it would continue where I left off. It was very disturbing to say the le...

 Ever feel like you're going crazy? There are days where I feel like I'm losing it. I don't know how to deal with all of this. It'll be okay, I know it'll be okay, but I don't quite understand how  it will be okay. So that's that, I guess. There needs to be a way to figure out whatever happens in this life. Is it all meant to be good or bad? Is that all there is? A black and white kind of situation, I guess. I don't know. So many things would be nice to be able to just figure out.

 Oh Anxiety, you know the feeling. Some anxiety is okay, other anxiety is not. Some anxiety keeps you moving forward like it should, other anxiety makes it so you cannot move forward completely. The bad kind of anxiety is the constant worry about everything and anything that can be worried about. Someone always watching your moves etc. Well, that goes into more paranoia than anxiety. But the feeling that you're not good enough, the constant put downs etc. The world is going to end in any moment, and you don't have a decent clothing option to meet death. Oh yeah all of those feelings are real and valid. It's nothing to be ashamed of though, so please don't think you have to be ashamed of having anxiety. It's just real and normal for some people. Well, I shouldn't use the term "normal", it's not normal at all in any way possible. That's why there are doctors that specialize in such issues and medicine. There's medicine that will help you out....

  I know, what's there to worry about? Oh, what isn't there to worry about? There just feels like so many things are in the way of this life. I don't know how to go about fixing any of it. Does that make sense? I hope it does make some kind of sense, because if it doesn't? Then we're in some serious issues. Like life-or-death kind of issues. Yeah, something like that. But I don't know how to express any of it. I suppose I could begin with the story of me. Yes, that would probably be a good starting point. The story of me. But how exactly to begin that story? I mean there are so many different aspects to it all. So many things that don't make sense but only to me. I suppose I'll have to figure out some kind of way to make it all make sense. Then I can share it with you.

Just a tad stressed out tonight. I have got to figure things out. Just getting behind on things... doesn't make sense how  I'm getting behind... doesn't make sense at all. One would think it would make better sense and would work out easier the way it should. Nope not a clue. How do people do this? Wish I knew... wish I knew. But no I sure as heck don't know how it's meant to work out. Feeling so lost right now. Have to figure this one out. Need to figure this one out. No clue how it's all meant to be. I just don't know. I'm sure this will make no sense to anyone. That's fine. I hear that life isn't meant to make any sense... it's just there. Or here. Who knows what it is anymore. I sure don't. Wish I did. That would be nice. Oh well... I'm sure I'll figure something out eventually.

There's an interesting thing about life that not a lot of people worry about. Stress. They say there's good stress and bad stress. Yeah that. Sometimes the bad stress takes its hold on you... leaving you helpless. Well you feel helpless, doesn't make any sense at times. One would think it would eventually make sense. I wish it would make sense. Wish there was a simple way to just slow down and take a breath. But that's where the issues come into play. There isn't always the time to take a breath. Taking a breath can make you think and stress even more. I hate that feeling... trapped Ya can't move, there's nowhere to run. Yeah... got to stop thinking tonight for sure.