DreamSense

Posts

Showing posts from September, 2025

Survival

I'm not sure I know what's going on in my own life at this moment. I know what's occurred. What will occur soon. But nothing concrete. It feels like it's all made up and I am going to wake up any day now. If I had the ability to actually see the future, I could anticipate what was coming for me. But I can't, so I won't be able to do any of that. What a shame. So many things to wish for. So little time in which to do it all. I won't be wishing on anything anytime soon. There's no point to it. All we are left with are empty hopeless dreams that will never come true. Maybe I can change the outcome before everything grows too late. Maybe I can do all of that and make it happen. I don't know exactly what needs to change yet. I'm still working on that list. I need to figure out something, anything to make this life move forward. I feel like I'm in survival mode. I guess I do have one wish, but she's not coming back. No matter how long I hang o...

Anxiety VS Human

Waking up every morning and going through the routine is getting tiresome. Having anxiety on top of it just makes it worse. Will today be a good day? Will it be an eventful day? A meaningful day? I don't know but I must know. It's like someone shut me in a room and locked the door, then the door disappears, and the room is filled with people. People I don't know. Then my mind gets overloaded with things. Thinking about the future, where I'll live. How I'll live and get around. I feel doomed to repeat this vicious cycle over and over again. It doesn't make sense to me. This life just doesn't make any sense to me at this time. I wish it would, but it doesn't. I want to scream and yell and just shout at the world. Things are not getting better. I feel abandoned by family. I get it; I'm a burden they don't want around. No one wants a burden around them. It's that simple. So why bother with it? Why bother with any of it. There's no point in w...

Battlestar Galactica

Been watching BSG a bit. I'm currently in Season 4, just started it. I love this show. It is a fine piece of work, that's for sure. Kara came back from the dead it appears. That was kind of nuts, but I accepted it. Lee freaked out about that, hell everyone freaked out when she came back. Is she the final Cylon? Well, I've seen the whole series, so I know the answer to that. We know there are four Cylon's in hiding for now. Pretty interesting choice of people to make Cylons though. Fun back story behind one of them, the chief. But you can look that story up. Kara's been to Earth. She claims she's only been gone for a handful of hours, but it's been months. So, who knows where she's been exactly. It would be nice if the show explained where she was. Well, I guess they do, at the end of the show they reveal she was an angel or something like that. She manages to help them get to Earth though, so that's all nice and good. But starting with Season 4, Bal...

What Is Going On

Welp here's the latest with me. Still depressed, still have anxiety. I don't feel like doing anything. Yet I force myself to do what's needed to get done during the day. I guess that's a good thing. I hop out of bed as soon as I wake up to avoid laying around. I try to be productive with my day and see what comes of it. I hate being depressed. I need someone to talk to; I have therapy next week but who knows how that will go. This blog just happens to be for venting about whatever I can vent about, I guess. Nothing really matters in life. The anxiety can go too. Waking up and feeling this way is just not good. It's a constant battle within my mind. There's nothing I am able to do about it. Life just gets in the way and I don't know how best to make things better. It's just life.

It Would Be Nice...

It would be nice to be able to wake up without dread of anything. To wake up without depression or anxiety. To simply wake up and be happy. That's not possible at this current moment, but someday I hope it will be a reality. There's nothing wrong with hoping for that is there? I hope not. I just want to live life to its fullest and figure out what there is out there to see and do. But I'm sure that won't happen either. I'll sit alone in my apartment and just wish for a better day. I don't know how else to live life at this point. There seems no use to it. I am here and that is all there is to it. Maybe I'm wrong and everything will turn out okay. Who really knows the outcome of it all. The outcome of this life is a mystery to me. That's alright though. There doesn't have to be anything that can make my life better. I can choose to either make it better or stay miserable. I choose to make it better. I think it would benefit me some. Wishing I knew wh...

What Is Life?

Ever wonder what this life is all about? I do all the time. Most days it doesn't make any sense to me. I am here, I live, I survive somehow, and then eventually I will die. That's what life is to me. I don't see anything beyond this life. We all just get put in boxes or cremated. If there was something beyond this life I would like to know. I believe others go places, but I will not. I'll just be boxed and there will be nothing beyond that. Kinda crazy thought I know, but that's how I feel about it. I'm not one of the good ones. I'm not good enough to see beyond what is here. I'm not evil, just not good enough. Call it what you will, call it punishing myself or whatever. But that's how I feel about death. There's nothing I can do about these feelings. I feel them, I experience them. They are here and I don't have a clue what else to do with any of them. So just let it be already, okay? I don't know I ever felt good enough for anything. T...

Frustrated

I'm frustrated with life. I don't know what to do about it. So many things going on, and I don't have a clue how to handle them all at the same time. It is so darn frustrating. I am at a loss. I know the phrase take it one day at a time, well I have to take it one minute at a time or else I get overwhelmed. I don't know if this life will ever change or if it will just keep moving forward not making a difference. I know certain things can change if they are given a chance. But to get that chance is another question. I'm worried about a lot of things right now. I don't know how to express myself coherently about any of the things I am worried about. That scares me. I wish I could just open up and talk about it all, but I can't. There are so many things wrong with this picture, so many things I want to fix but I can't. I wish I could figure everything out and it all would be okay. But I don't know how to do that. It feels like I'm fighting to stay ...

Monday Monday

Well Monday came. No surprise there. I would have been nice if the weekend felt a little bit longer. But it's whatever. Life just comes at you, and you have to deal with whatever comes your way. Not enough thoughts today, maybe that's a good thing. I can deal with not enough thoughts. Attempting to try and think will only cause issues. So don't do it. Ever have a song stuck in your head? Yeah, I have that right now. The Middle is currently stuck in my head. Well, the chorus is. Nothing else. It just keeps looping over and over again. It's kind of annoying to be honest, but what can I do about it? There's not much to say other than that. Sometimes you have to block out all thought from your head. Replace it with something else. But one has to think in order to get through the day, right? Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of. I've already run through the usual thoughts in my head for a Monday morning. I don't know what to do about the other thoughts I have...

Life Is Hard

Let's face it, life is hard. It's not the easiest thing to do or live through. There are so many obstacles that come up for a person and sometimes they feel they have nowhere to go. That alone feeling is the worst thing to feel. I've felt alone before, I feel alone now. There doesn't seem to be a way to make that feeling disappear anytime soon. I'm afraid to say I'm growing used to it. It's nothing new really. There doesn't appear to be any kind of escape from this loneliness. I'm not sure what to do with myself. It would be nice to have some kind of clue of what's going on. I know what's going on in my life at this current moment, that's not what I mean. I mean what's going on in an eternal perspective. Yeah that. I doubt I will ever understand or grasp any of what I want to know. The answers simply won't come to me. They aren't meant to come to me. Who am I anyways? A nobody. It would be nice and all, but I just don't s...

This Life Is...

Oh life, where are you leading me today. I don't know what is going on with you. There is so much to wonder about, and I am here doing the wondering. I wonder about why I am here at this time. What's the point of everything that goes on in my life. Is there an afterlife. What is it like. I want to know. I want to experience it for myself. I hear of people dying and I am jealous of them. They get to move on from this life, while I sit here wishing I was in their shoes. It doesn't make sense to me, yet I do it. That's how my mind seems to work most days. I don't want to be alive. There's no point for my life. I don't see a point in it. What is there to this life that I am missing. That is the question I wonder about most. There needs to be something I am missing, but I don't know what it is. It would be nice to be able to figure out that missing piece of life. If I hate my life so much, why do I care about a missing piece. There's no point in it. So m...

Mass Shooting? WTF

So there was a shooting at an LDS church in Michigan. Several people are wounded, including children, and the gunman is down. The church is on fire. What in the hell are people thinking? Going into a place of worship (or anywhere for that matter) and shooting people! Please pray for those in Michigan.

Frack

Whoever is fracking with me better stop it. My mind is a mess already. If there are actual demons in this life, and they are making it hell. They need to stop it right now. I don't need this in my life. I don't need any of it. I sure as hell didn't ask for any of it either. Who asks to have a mental illness? Honestly. I live with this every day of my life. There's no way around it. I can only move through it and hope I'll be sane on the other side of whatever hits me next. There needs to be something I can do to get feeling better. I just don't know what that is. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Taking my meds and all of that. So why isn't it better? It feels like it's getting worse. Like I'm slipping. Like I'm losing a grasp on reality. Life doesn't feel real to me. It's all fake made up for my brain to process whatever it wants to process. It won't stop until I find a way to make it stop. Whoever is running this sho...

Wrapped Up Tight

I'm wrapped up in a blanket, and it feels great. I love a good blanket. There's nothing wrong with that. It feels so secure and warm to be able to snuggle up in one. Helps me to think better too, I think. There's not much room for warmth these days. I don't know what it is about basements, but they get chilly. Interesting how that works. Probably because they're lower in the ground usually. I like basements though, they feel warm and cozy to me. Something that I can deal with when life is too rough on my mind. Still wish I could turn back time. But I can't and that's frustrating to me. There has to be a way to fix things. Somehow things must be fixed. But I can't seem to find a way. So that theory is shot all to hell and back now isn't it. No point in pursuing that train of thought. There are so many thoughts that need to just get thrown out and never thought about again. But I'm not sure how any of that even works. I just have to remember who I...

Why Do I Have These Feelings

Why do I have these thoughts and feelings? I want to know. Why does my own mind want me dead. Why do the voices want me dead. Why don't they like me. Why is it so difficult to fight against them day after day. So many questions. Why do intrusive thoughts enter my mind when I'm trying to focus on something. I wonder if there's an answer to any of these questions I have. There seem to be a lot of questions that are in my brain right now. I don't have answers to any of them. Yet they still remain. It would be nice to have answers, I want answers now. Not yesterday, now. Today as it were. Do the voices know or understand what that even means? I bet they don't. They only want to torment me. Something I am quite used to. Constant thoughts never ceasing, always making my life a living hell. I don't understand why I can't have answers. Don't I deserve answers? One would think I would. I mean there has to be something I am able to do about it all. Who knows what...

Today Is Saturday

It's another weekend. What am I going to do with today. I do not know. I might read a book, scroll the internet, or something else completely. It would be nice if I had something to figure out or do. I feel more productive during the weekdays. Maybe I'll figure out something to do today. What I need to do is get into therapy asap. But there are other concerns that bother me. I'm not sure what to do about any of it. I wonder what this therapist will say to me. Will they even read what I've written in their little form? Who knows. They tend to have me repeat what I've already said over and over again. So who knows what this will be all about. I can't wait to see my therapist to be honest. It will be a good thing for sure.

I Am So Depressed

All I want to do is sleep but I can't even do that right. Just sleep through the day till the next day comes and sleep through that day as well. There's no point to this life. No point at all. They say we're here for a reason. Well what reason is that exactly? It doesn't make any sense to me. Nothing makes sense anymore to me at all. Why should it? Life never did anything proper for me to begin with. It just showed me how evil and bad it can be towards a person. My inner monologue keeps fighting with me. I don't understand what the fight is about yet, but it just keeps doing its thing day in and day out. Wish I could get that under control. I have therapy coming up, too bad they can't prescribe medication. I need refills. Maybe I'll just go off of all my meds. Are they really doing anything to begin with? If I'm depressed right now, they aren't doing a damn thing. Feels like I'm sinking. I don't know how else to describe it. Just feels like ...

Stop Waking Up So Early

I have got to stop waking up so early. I get tired earlier in the evening then I normally do. Because my body is ready for bed sooner. It's rather a crazy thought. Woke up at 4:09 this morning. Decided to just get up because I was fully awake and alert. Had a headache, that seems to have quieted down a bit. That's good. I don't know why I am waking up so early. It doesn't make any sense to me. But here I am wide awake. Other people are still sleeping at this time. Why can't I? It doesn't seem very fair to be honest. I feel like taking another sleeping pill and just going back to bed. But then I would be really tired during the day depending on what time I woke up from that snooze. I get it, sleep is essential to our daily life. Why can't I seem to get enough of it? I'm waking up at 4 on the regular and I simply don't know how that is possible. Wish I had a clue. One would think I'd be mentally drained by the time I go to bed each night that I wo...

Life Isn't Real

This life isn't real. None of it is. We are all some kind of creation in someone's mind. Who knows how long we've been in this simulation. How long we've been asleep inside who knows what. We aren't real. The pain we feel isn't real. None of it is real. How do people not understand this simple rule of life? How is it they don't pick up on it. The truth. I don't understand how they don't. Imagine if other people knew about this. They need to find out about this. There's nothing wrong with it. This is the real reality. I just need to wake up from it. I need to be in the real world, not this sham of a life. There's no replacement for the real thing. Nothing. We need to wake up.

What The Frak

Today is a day from hell. I don't know how else to explain it. It's supposed to be a good day; it's Friday after all. But I'm panicking. I'm freaking out. There are things going on that I can't talk about because it's personal and I am freaking out. So, there's that. I wish I knew how to calm myself down. My breathing exercises aren't doing a thing. I don't know what to do about it. I wish I could just snap my fingers, and everything would be fine. But I can't. There's no such thing. The voices piling on isn't helping either. I don't want to kill myself. Not today at least. Today I want to live. There are so many things going wrong with life. I don't even know where to begin with it all. Life doesn't feel like life at the moment. I don't feel like me either. I know that doesn't make sense. It probably won't ever make sense to anyone. But here I am living proof of it. There has to be a way to make things better...

Penguin Feelings

If I am a penguin I don't have to feel human emotions. It's the human emotions that weigh me down. What do penguins feel? Are their feelings simpler than humans? It makes you wonder at times. I know what human emotions can do to a person. There's no resisting that. I feel them every day of my life. It's those emotions that I can't seem to get a handle on. I wish I could, it would make life so much more pleasant. If I was a penguin, human emotions wouldn't even be a factor. Every day I experience anxiety and worry that life isn't going to hold out like it should. I'm afraid that everything will come crashing down all around me. There should be more things to this life than what I'm feeling. So many things out there and I don't quite understand what is going on most of the time. I'm mad at life right now. It can go to hell for all I care. There are so many worries in my mind that I can't keep track of them all. I hate it. The thoughts and ...

Waking Up Early

Woke up at 4:30 again this morning. I don't know what's going on. There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. I simply don't get it. If I did, I wouldn't be questioning any of this. But here I am wondering what the heck is going on. When I wake up, I can't fall back to sleep. So, I tend to get up. So yeah, I've been up since 4:30 this morning. Being awake so long gives me time to think about things. A bit overthinking has happened as well; I'm not a fan of that part of it. But it is what it is. Someday I'll figure things out to where I don't overthink anything and I'll be more stable. But that's just how life is right now. There's nothing I can do about it, it would seem. At least it doesn't look like I can do anything about it right now. There are so many things to learn over again. I'm not sure how that will look or what I'll be doing. But I need to learn a lot of things over again. I'm pretty sure I can tak...

What To Do

What to do, what to do. That is the question that bothers my mind the most. It's rather annoying to be bothered by such a question. It would be nice to be able to figure out why my mind is constantly thinking about this. I know I have to make up my mind and do something. I just don't know how to go about it quite yet. I've been told everything will work out. But how is that going to happen?! I'm not seeing the end of the tunnel right now. It's very dark where I am and there is no light in sight. It would be nice to be able to question things without being looked down upon by others. Questioning isn't a bad thing. To me it's healthy and quite an interesting thing to do. I'd rather question things than just follow in line mindlessly waiting for the next order. Is that what life is? Someone giving orders and everyone just takes it. I don't think I signed up for that. It would be nice to figure that out too. What about those people who follow a leader ...

Burdens

Ever feel like a burden? I have. I currently feel like a burden to everyone I know. It's annoying to say the least. I wish I didn't feel this way. But I do and there really isn't anything to stop me from feeling this way. I just have to live with it and figure it all out. I wish I didn't feel this way. Let's face it, no one wakes up and says, "Hey I want to be a burden to everyone I know!" It just doesn't happen. So, I shy away and become quiet and distant. I'm not trying to push people away, it's just how I react to situations. I don't know how to do it any other way. I've walked away from friendships because I felt like I was a burden. I've cut ties to people I was close to at one point in time, just because I thought I was a burden. That's all I really am though a burden to people. Those I care about, those I love, I am a burden to them all. I've seen people's reactions to me. It says it all. I've hit a low point...

I Feel Worthless

I'm feeling worthless lately. There's no reason for me to feel this way, yet I feel it. My mind is shouting at me to do things. Things I don't want to do. Things I shouldn't do. There are so many things that I feel the urge to do, it's weird. But I can't do it. Ending my life is not an option. God has to take me out of this life. There's no other way. So let the voices be damned. I don't want to live anymore. I feel like that's me talking not the voices. That scares me. Is that really something I want? I don't know. My mind feels so fragile right now. There are so many thoughts and feelings that I don't know what to do with. I wish I could figure this all out, but I don't know where to begin. I feel like I'm a mess. Wanting to die isn't new. It's a wish I've had for years now. At least since 2020 when everything started just going downhill for me mentally. That's when I was misdiagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. ...

Life Doesn't Make Sense

How am I expected to pay all of these bills? I don't get it. I don't know how I am going to be able to pay it all and keep my head above water. It's so frustrating to me. I know I need to pay them. It makes sense to pay them and all of that. But it still haunts me to how I am going to be able to do it. Maybe I need a second job. I could wait tables or something like that I suppose. Just something to get me by in the meantime while I try and figure all of this mess out. It's quite a mess I tell you. Quite a mess. There are so many things that don't make sense in life. Bills are just one of them. I tend to wonder what on Earth I am doing here. What's going on with all of this. I don't want to make things impossible for myself, but it feels like things are starting to get impossible for myself. Feels like there's nothing happening at all right now and I'm scared about that. I want things to happen now. On my terms. But I can't have it that way. Lif...

Been Awake Since 3

So, I've been awake since 3 am this morning tossing and turning in my bed. It's not the ideal wake up time, that's for sure. Finally got out of bed at 4:30. Been up ever since. I might have to take a nap later on today. We shall see what happens. I'm worried about just everything imaginable at the moment. It's not good for me to be so overwhelmed at all. But here I am trying to do my best. I don't know how to do that though when I have crazy things just happening in life. It would be nice to be able to forget about everything that has happened and have life go back to normal. But I know that's a pipe dream and will never happen. It is what it is now, and I have to accept and face that. There's nothing wrong with this new direction my life is taking. Nothing wrong at all. I just have to be able to keep up with it. There are a lot of things to think about at 3 am. None of them good. But all of them necessary. I think. To a point that is. Life is so weird ...

Let's Face It I'm Depressed

Big shocker there, I know. I've only talked about it for the past couple of days. I am majorly depressed, and I don't know what to do. I talked with someone about getting a therapist, we'll see how that goes. Therapists are good to talk with, I think. They allow you to get all of your thoughts out on the table and don't let anything fall by the wayside. They have good practice methods to help get you through the day or week or whatever it is you're going through. Too bad they can't administer medicine. That would rock. I'm scared about meeting with a new person. I don't know what to think about that. But I think it'll be okay. There's always a new first time, right? Yeah, that's what I was thinking. If you can't get through to yourself after talking with a therapist, there's nothing else to be done about it. Life has a way of making you feel inadequate about yourself, and you just don't have the ability to do anything about it.

The Rapture

So yesterday the Rapture was supposed to happen. As far as I can tell, I'm still here and alive so it didn't happen. Who comes up with these things? There was the end of the world scare in 2012, and now this. You would think someone would contact some agency to figure out exactly if something is going to happen. I'm glad I didn't sell all of my belongings. I'm sure there are people out there that did, believing that the end of the world was coming. Not sure what they would do with all of that money they made by selling their things. But eh it's whatever, you know? Yeah so, we are all still here. Love when a plan falls through.

Don't Ask Twice

There are days where you come across something. You ask about it. You ask again about it. There's your mistake. You should never ask twice about what's going on with something. There needs to be a thing that allows you to not ask twice about something. That's all there is to it. Don't ever ask the same question twice. Once it's been answered, it's been answered. Final and done.

There's No Reason To Live

Let's talk about life for a moment. I don't believe there is a reason to live. If that means suicide so be it. This life just doesn't feel like it's going anywhere for me right now. I'm alone, depressed, and just miserable. I wish I had an idea of what to do to overcome all of this, but I don't. There doesn't seem to be much going on for me right now. It would be nice to be able to figure everything out all at once, but I can't. I can't run faster than I can walk at the moment. It's terrible. I know I shouldn't wish for death and all of that, but I do. I wish something would take me away from it all and I would just find a way to live without all of this pain. This internal hatred for myself. I've said it before; I hate my life. There's nothing that's going to change that. It's just life I get it, but there's so much more to it that I don't understand or get. So, where does that leave me. Alone. I will always be alone...

Everything You Know Is Wrong

What if one day you were approached by an old wizard who told you that everything you know is wrong. What would you do? Would you believe the wizard or dismiss him for the old hag he is. Ah the important question. Choose wisely. If you dismiss the wizard terrible things might come about. If you accept and believe the wizard good things could happen. You of course are unsure if good or bad things will happen. So, you are left to make a choice. Do you believe the wizard or not. He obviously came from somewhere to share disastrous news to you. But why did he bother to share the news with you exactly. It doesn't make sense does it. Why you of all people. He could have chosen anyone in the entire world and yet he came and chose you. You of all people. In your ragged jeans and cut t-shirt. What a poor excuse of a human you are. Did you ever think of that? Maybe the wizard took pity on you. It's possible you know. The old wise men helping out the younger generation and all of that no...

Anxiety and Depression

Having anxiety and depression at the same time sucks. On one hand your mind is saying you have to do this, and on the other hand you are thinking, I don't want to do anything. But if you don't do anything you'll get in trouble. Yet you don't care. It's a crazy mix of thought processes. I've dealt with these two for the past couple of years and it's been no fun. None of it makes sense to me at times. I wish it did make some kind of sense, but it really doesn't. So, I have to deal with whatever comes my way. There needs to be a thing that can be given to me to just clear it all up. So many wishes and no way to have them come true. I feel like screaming right now. There's nothing I am able to do about it. There's got to be something I can do about it though. I don't know what that is. Life gets frustrating at times. I don't understand it. I don't reason with it. I just don't get it. There are things. If this is how life is from now ...

Depression Sucks

I feel trapped in my own body full of emotions and I don't know what to do with any of them. I'm severely depressed. I can tell the symptoms. I don't even want to get out of bed anymore. I feel so lost. It sucks. I really don't know what to do about it. I've gone downhill so fast it feels. I need something to push my engine back uphill. Like the "Little Engine That Could", kind of thing. But I don't even know if that will do anything. I hate feeling this way. Putting on a fake smile for everyone to see. Lying to myself that I'm okay, that I'll be okay. I am not going to be okay. There's a problem with me, and I don't know what to do about it. So that's where I am currently in this stage of life. It sucks. I hate it. I wish I could do something about it. Life needs to end. Everyone needs a free ride to Heaven. I'm not going to Heaven. I'm not going to Hell either. I think I'll just be in the middle somewhere chilling out...

Depression VS Human

I don't know where the depression stops, and my own thoughts begin. That's how bad it can be at times. I feel so alone, so down in my life. I haven't felt this down in a long time. I wish someone had all the answers to it that wasn't medicine. But I doubt anyone has any answers like that. It's just a thing I have to get through, I guess. So many things in this life that don't make sense and here I am sitting in the middle of it all. So, what am I supposed to do about all of this? I need to do something. Anything. I don't want to talk to another therapist. All they do is cost money. I keep paying and paying and it feels like a waste of time. Something needs to happen. Something good. I just don't know what it is. Life just isn't fair right now. If I could go back to the way life was, I might be able to figure out things better. But there's no going back is there. No, I didn't think so. This life is difficult at best. I'm drowning in just ...

Upset Stomach

Well, it's 3 in the morning and I have a freaking upset stomach. I am not a fan of such a thing. I feel like throwing up. Let's hope I don't actually throw up, that would be a bad thing right now. I hope I can feel better later today if not right now. That would be amazing. But for now, I'll just deal with being upset tummy.

Feels Like No One Cares

I know this sounds silly. But it feels like no one cares at the moment. About me. I know there are people out there who do care about me. But my mind says otherwise. There doesn't feel like there's anything I am able to do about it. I feel like my hands are tied at the moment. I don't like this feeling. It's too complex to even figure out in my own mind. I'm sure it seems like something easy to anyone else, but to me it's complex. I don't get it. It would be nice not to feel this way. I am not a fan of it. I wish I could feel normal again. I have a hard time trying to remember when I was normal. I don't seem to know when that was. What exactly is normal anyways? I don't think anyone has an answer to any of it. It would be nice if someone did have an answer to what normal is, but I don't think there's even an official definition of normal. Life is too weird to try to understand everything going on in it. I mean we have a life, that we live. T...

Major Depressive Disorder

It's a thing. I have it, I know about it. I don't know everything there is to know about it. I need to do some research that's for sure. But I know how I feel day in and day out. I don't like the way I feel, but that's what it is. I cannot take this illness completely away from myself. It's there for the rest of my life. I can take medication to help with the symptoms and all of that, but medication won't fix it. I'll still feel depressed on the inside. Oh, I can wear a smile all I want, but it won't take it away. Feeling this way sucks. Somedays I can't smile. I can't even fake a smile. All I want to do is lay in bed and sleep. There needs to be a magical medicine that just takes away everything that ails me. Unfortunately, there isn't one. There's nothing that can be done. I can talk to a therapist, I can take some medication to help with some of the symptoms, or I can just give up. If I give up, then there's no hope to be feel...

Why Does It Matter?

Somedays you come across a thing and wonder "why does it matter?" It could be political, religious, something to do with your social lift. A number of things. It doesn't really matter where it comes from, just that it might exist. So, you ask the question, why does it matter. People come to you with answers and answer they do have. You don't know which one of them are right. You reflect on it for a bit until you come up with your own decision on the question. Your answer you came up with could have been directed by another answer. There's no telling which way things will lead at this point. But you press onward anyways. Eventually you come to a conclusion about your decision that you made in the first place. Are you happy with it? Why or why not. What steps lead you to this point in time. It's all very interesting.

Another Day

There's always another day to do something. Oh, I can do that tomorrow. We say and hope things will get better by itself. Well tomorrow comes and we have to face whatever we passed onto another day. Now we have a choice, either we can take care of it or push it off to yet another day. See what kind of problem we're getting into here? I wonder why things happen that way. There shouldn't be a problem. But we have a problem. It all comes down to what do you want to do about it. There's got to be something done about it. Anything. Possibly the reason we pushed it off is because we couldn't figure out what to do in such a situation. That's also a possibility, right? Why do it today when you can put it off till tomorrow. Remember that old saying? Yeah, I thought you might. So, I think the key is to fix the problem today. Don't put it off till tomorrow. There's a term for it. Procrastination. That's a fun word to say isn't it. Just don't procrastin...

I Love Penguins

I was having a bad day. I closed my browser, and this guy shows up on my screen. It's the daily picture Microsoft shows you. I took one look at him and thought, yeah today will get better. Just looking into the eyes of this penguin made me feel better. I don't know why. But it was like he was saying "You've got this!" I took it to heart. Penguins are my spirit animal, I swear. When they mate, they mate for life. That's always been my thought process of marriage. Stick with who you are married to forever. Forever is a long time, so make sure it's right. The males watch over the egg while the females go and hunt. I find this very interesting. Sometimes the males aren't mature enough and they let the egg die, which is very sad. But it happens. Life has an interesting way of telling us we're alive. Sometimes it's through pain, sometimes it's through a picture. Either way, we understand and get that we are living to some degree. I wish life we...

Something New

A fresh piece of pie another slice of cake something new to my tummy is all that I want to make

Tired

Woke up at 4:24 this morning and I am tired. I'm not sure why I woke up so early. I just did. There's not much to do that early in the morning. I thought I would fall back asleep. But that didn't happen. I remained awake and here I am. Still tired as all get out. But what are you supposed to do when that happens? I don't know. I'm not sure anyone knows what to do when that happens. Life just happens man. Life just happens. I'm sure I'll take a nap later today or tonight. Recharge my batteries so to speak. It would be nice to be able to just get this sleep thing figured out. I took my sleep meds like I should. They did their magic like they always do. Thank goodness. Being this tired makes me wish I had some place to put all of this frustration with myself. I feel like I should have done something more to try and stay together. But what was there to do? I felt like I wasn't wanted, that things weren't working out. So, I had to leave. There was no oth...

Beard's Turning Grey

So, my beard has started to show a bit of grey in it. It's been going on for a while now, so it's not new. It used to be fully red. I've been told it adds character for me. I'm not sure I see it. It adds something, old age. It would be nice if it didn't go grey yet. But I don't have any control over that. I'm sure it has to do with all the stress I'm under day to day. I haven't found a way to release that stress. Not yet that is. Eventually I will, but today is not that day.

Can I Die?

Well, the answer is of course I can die. Anyone can die. It's part of their genetic makeup. But choosing to die at a given moment is frowned upon. You can't just decide to die one day and call it good. I mean I guess you can do that, but I wouldn't recommend it. Trust me, I've tried. I hate dancing with these inner demons that want to destroy me. There's nothing else I can do about it though. The dance continues and I must dance with them in order to stay alive. It can be a simple dance; it can be a complex dance. Either way it's a dance. Neither of us knows which one will win. So, we just end up in a holding pattern waiting for the other to strike next. Life is a weird thing for sure. One moment I'm happy, the next moment I'm miserable. Ups and downs are what I call them. I tend to go through them a lot. It would be nice to be able to not have these emotions and feelings running around in my mind. But I'm not sure how to make that possible. I nee...

Divorce

I'm going through a divorce. Let's face it, I miss my wife. But we agreed to part ways. There's been no fighting or anything like that. We just can't live together. I hate it. I wish there was something I could do to make it all better, but I can't. There's just too much to think about right now, and it's overloading my brain. I wish I could go back to the early days of our courtship and relive those days. Just relive the whole marriage if possible. But that's just a dream isn't it. There's no possibility when that happens. I miss my wife.

Life Is Strange

Let's just say it out loud for everyone in the back. LIFE IS STRANGE. I don't get it most days. I'm here, I get that. But I don't understand how life can be one way one day and a different way the next day. It doesn't make sense to me. There's a lot about life that doesn't make any sense to me. I suppose that's okay and all, but I just wish I understood why it gets this way. Why is my mind so confused about life most days? I don't understand that either. Does it really matter. That's what I want to know. Does it really matter if none of this makes any sense. I'm here and there doesn't appear to be anything that is going on, yet I try and continue on my way through whatever there is to go through. That's life for you. There's not much else going on so why not try and figure out that little piece of evidence. Yeah that. Oh well I guess it just doesn't have to matter for everything under the sun. I wish I could grasp whatever is...

What To Write

Ever have a moment where you don't know what to write? Yeah, I'm having such a moment. This post might just be absolute nonsense. We shall see though won't we. I'd like to think I have something of substance to contribute to the community. But if I don't? I don't. That's just how it is I suppose. I can't believe how late it is already on a Saturday. I must have slept in longer than I anticipated. Oh well, the sleep was needed and if I need sleep then I need sleep. I wonder what today will bring for me. I honestly don't know or have a clue. Maybe that's a good thing, It could definitely be considered a good thing. I don't want to be an outcast, I feel like I'm an outcast. It would be nice to be able to figure out whatever there is to figure out. I don't think I worded that correctly, but I hope you get my meaning. Life can be downright difficult at times. This is one of those times. I don't know where I'm headed. I don't k...