Tired

 Woke up at 4:24 this morning and I am tired. I'm not sure why I woke up so early. I just did. There's not much to do that early in the morning. I thought I would fall back asleep. But that didn't happen. I remained awake and here I am. Still tired as all get out. But what are you supposed to do when that happens? I don't know. I'm not sure anyone knows what to do when that happens. Life just happens man. Life just happens.

I'm sure I'll take a nap later today or tonight. Recharge my batteries so to speak. It would be nice to be able to just get this sleep thing figured out. I took my sleep meds like I should. They did their magic like they always do. Thank goodness.

Being this tired makes me wish I had some place to put all of this frustration with myself. I feel like I should have done something more to try and stay together. But what was there to do? I felt like I wasn't wanted, that things weren't working out. So, I had to leave. There was no other choice. I had to go, it's as simple as that. It's not easy leaving the one you love. But when they say go, you go. I guess.

Did I do the right thing? I'm not sure. There are so many possible ways that could have gone down. Did I choose the right one? I don't know. Now I'm overthinking my decision. This isn't good at all. I shouldn't be thinking my decision over again. What's done is done, and there's nothing I can do about it. I hate myself.

I hate myself so much. I feel like I gave up on something wonderful. I don't know what to do about it. I just have to live life from here on out and figure out what to do next. Life doesn't get better; it only gets harder as it goes on. Nothing in life makes sense right now. I don't know how to tell myself to have it make sense. There's no way to make that happen. If life made sense, I could figure things out and have things go a certain way; couldn't I? I don't know. That sounds wrong.

There's so much noise going on in my head at the moment. It doesn't make sense. My thoughts can't seem to get together. Do I try and make it make sense? What do I do about any of it? I wish I could get it over somehow. All of these thoughts crashing together seeking attention. I can't deal with it right now. There's too much going on in life to allow these thoughts to take me down with it. I don't know what to do.

Why is my brain so screwed up today. I don't get it. There has to be a reason for it. Something I am able to do about it. Anything at all. That's all I ask for. Something to grasp and hold onto. Something to keep me safe. Yet my mind won't allow it. Let's hope the voices don't come back because the intrusive thoughts are hard enough to overcome sometimes.

Oh life, where did you lead me wrong. I don't know what to do and that confuses me. I wish I could figure things out. Something, anything. There must be a way to just get out of this funk. But I don't know or have a clue what's going on right now. It's just life, right? Isn't that all it is?

Wishing doesn't help. Wishing never got me a damned thing. I'm not sure why that is. One would think wishing could actually help out in matters. But it doesn't. You have to take action along with the wishing in order to achieve something. So, the next time you want something, make a move for it. Don't just wish something would happen to you. It doesn't work.