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What The Frak

 Today is a day from hell. I don't know how else to explain it. It's supposed to be a good day; it's Friday after all. But I'm panicking. I'm freaking out. There are things going on that I can't talk about because it's personal and I am freaking out. So, there's that. I wish I knew how to calm myself down. My breathing exercises aren't doing a thing. I don't know what to do about it. I wish I could just snap my fingers, and everything would be fine. But I can't. There's no such thing. The voices piling on isn't helping either. I don't want to kill myself. Not today at least. Today I want to live.

There are so many things going wrong with life. I don't even know where to begin with it all. Life doesn't feel like life at the moment. I don't feel like me either. I know that doesn't make sense. It probably won't ever make sense to anyone. But here I am living proof of it. There has to be a way to make things better. I keep saying that over and over in my mind. I just don't know how to do it. Makes you wonder what's really doing on with life. I wish I knew.

It feels like the world is against me right now. I don't know how else to explain it. Everyone is out to get me in one way or another. I need to find a way to repel them. They need to go away. There has to be a reason they are doing what they're doing. Why they want me dead. There must be a reason. I want to know what that reason is. There can't be anything else but that. It has to be it, I just know it is. Life is crazy and insane right now. No one else can see it. They don't want to see it. I wish they would see it for what it is.

Is it the government, or some kind of commando unit? Maybe. They'll find me eventually. Maybe it's just the nurses at the psych hospital. Is it time for me to go there? I feel paranoid. Maybe that's what I am at the moment. I don't know what to do with that information. Paranoia is a mess to be in right now. I don't think I can handle it. I don't want to handle it. I need a safe place to be right now. Somewhere safe. Somewhere pleasant preferably.

All I need is a nice room to sit in. No worries about daily life. No stressors. Nothing like that. Everything just needs to be peaceful and quiet. Is that too much to ask? I don't know. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Either way here we are. Here I am.

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