DreamSense

Psychosis is quite real. Having been in and out of psychosis a lot of times, you never really get use to it. Sometimes it sneaks up on you without warning. It can be a wakeup call at times for sure. But I have to take whatever comes my way I guess. The voices get annoying at times for sure. When you live in the trenches of your own mind, you can feel quite trapped. Being trapped in your own mind can be terrifying, in its own right. But just because we feel trapped doesn’t mean we have to live there. Life is full of surprises, you mind doesn’t really care how you feel. It’s going to do whatever it wants to do. Sometimes that means we have to walk through Hell in order to get where we belong. It can be quite a learning curve is all. If I could put a stop to it all, I would. I don’t even know where to begin with it all. Life can be a bit confusing at times. What am I supposed to do with that confusion? The truth to it all will be my own downfall. No matter what happens in this life, i...

The Scary “C” Word by Kyle Eggleston There’s a scary word out there that begins with the letter C. Know what that word is? Cancer Yep, that’s right. It’s a word that is scary no one wants to hear or read or see...or whatever there is regarding it. I don’t know what to think. Bone Cancer is a possibility. That’s all I know. It’s creepy just thinking that could be a thing someone could have. I mean, what happens if that’s the case? Do we just deal with it and hope for the best? Who does that? Who can just hope for the best and see what happens? Shoot. Talk about a crazy thought that happens and comes and goes and whatever else there is. I mean, I don’t want to have to deal with that thought process. Just waiting to hear back from the doctor about it is freaking me out. It happens a lot. I try not to think about it, but then I end up thinking about it even more...who knows how it will end. I don’t. I wish I did. But for now I’m just sitting here waiting.

Some quotes on the Word Of Wisdom “Some of the men were excessive chewers of the filthy weed, and their disgusting slobbering and spitting caused Mrs. Smith … to make the ironical remark that ‘It would be a good thing if a revelation could be had declaring the use of tobacco a sin, and commanding it’s suppression.’ The matter was taken up and joked about, one of the brethren suggested that the revelation should also provide for a total abstinence from tea and coffee drinking, intending this as a counter ‘dig’ at the sisters.” Sure enough the subject was afterward taken up in dead earnest, and the ‘Word of Wisdom’ was the result.” — David Whitmer, Des Moines Daily News, 16 Oct 1886 (as quoted here in footnote #51: https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=6038&context=etd ) “Joseph Smith tried the faith of the Saints many times by his peculiarities. At one time he had preached a powerful sermon on the Word of Wisdom, and immediately thereafter he rode through the...

Overthinking again, what a surprise. It’s life, that’s what’s going on today. Such an amusing thought process is all. If life has a purpose how would that look exactly? Is it so complicated a question? Life itself can feel quite complex at times. I don’t make the rules. They just appear when they want to. I can’t control them nor would I want to. It’s a pipe dream to think I’m in control over anything. I’ve long since learned I have no control over my life. There’s always someone else pulling the strings. That’s just how this life works. Life is but a game. A dangerous game at that, but what else is new? I want to die. But dying wouldn’t end my suffering. Why must life be so damn confusing most days? I’m not sure I fully understand it all. I mean come on now! Existing simply to exist doesn’t feel like it has much purpose in this life. I don’t have another way of expressing this thought. Where there is light, there is darkness. No matter how it’s spun, that’s the truth of it all. T...

Some days are a jumbled up mess on the great windshield that is life. Oh life, you silly silly thing! Where did you come from? If life has taught me anything it’s that this life can be quite complicated at times. Yeah, this life sure can be a mess at times. Talk about crazy. But if that’s what this life turns up to be, that’s how it is. Living int he fast lane, as it were, makes little sense most of the time. But that’s okay, it has to be okay. I mean I guess? It’s something that’s for sure! Anxiety can be one hell of a drug. Not a good one mind you. It tends to take a lot to get through a day without overthinking all the things. But that’s all part of this life I fear. What does that mean for me? I’m not sure. I feel like I’m fighting an internal losing battle and there isn’t a way back from the brink. Whatever that looks like, here I am living it.

What A Morning Sat Feb 1 06:35:06 MST 2020 Let’s talk about today shall we? This morning has been bruital. I’m reading over the signs of depression. I have them…. boy do I have them. I don’t know what to do about that. It would be nice not to have to deal with any of those thoughts anymore. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to live. There’s no reason for me to be alive. People don’t get it, they don’t want to understand it. So, what happens next? What’s the next step?