DreamSense

Tue May 1 22:34:29 MDT 2018 Another day is now complete. There are times in this life where tired doesn’t begin to describe any of it. My brain has turned to goo. There doesn’t feel like there’s anything left in my mind. I understand that. I grasp that. That’s okay for me to understand…I think. Maybe. I don’t know. Who’s to understand any of it? If I could fully grasp what is happening in my mind, I would gladly say it. But for now, I am at a loss. Went to the doctor today. I either have a cyst or cancer in my face. Awesome. They’re going to do a biopsy. Been kind of worried about it for a while now. But finally I will be able to have it taken care of. So that’s a positive thing. Going to take care of the rash I have going on too. Psoriasis really isn’t fun. I know I didn’t spell that word correctly, but I didn’t want to bother look it up. Like I said, I’m rather tired at the moment. Awesome.

Worry always has a way of finding me. I don’t know what else to say about it. I mean, it just happens. The rush, the anxiety mixed in with the racing thoughts . They seem to be never ending. I don’t know what to do with them. I kinda hate it to be honest. But I don’t know how to go about making them go away. It would be nice to be able to simply sit down and think about it all. If I could make things better, believe me I would. There’s nothing wrong with wanting your life to be better than it is. I don’t know how to make things better though. Maybe I’m not supposed to make things better. Perhaps this is just how life is meant to be played out. So, what am I supposed to do about any of this? I can take all the medication under the sun, but if there’s nothing I can do about it … I’m at a loss for words. At times, it feels mind-numbing. If worry can make me feel that way about life? Hell, I don’t know what to do with any of these feelings. I need to be able to make them stop. Perhaps ...

So I’m watching Smallville right? Clark gets to understand some things about Krypton from none other than Christopher Reeve , the Superman of the four movies from the 70s/80s. He’s in a wheelchair at this time due to his horse accident . Anywhoo, Clark goes back to the storm cellar and activates his ship. He seems some Kryptonian writing and reads it to his father, Jonathan. It says he’s to be a God among men and that the Earth is basically weak and flawed. That they must be ruled over and ding ding, Clark is the one to rule over them through his strength. Kinda creepy. We saw what Superman can do if he goes rogue from Superman and Lois . He downright destroyed and murdered people. Now I’m sure Clark won’t stopp to that level in the series. His father (Jonathan) bought him up to be a good boy. He’s teaching him how to be a respectful man, and I can’t blame him. Clark is a good kid, he doesn’t want to become something he’s not. Not deep down at least. I have a good feeling about Cl...

Tue May 1 08:55:58 MDT 2018 Been writing a document of sorts. Something faith promoting for Mom and Dad about Christ. We’ll see how it goes. I think they’d enjoy it for a Christmas gift, seems fitting right? Yeah, something like that. Reminds me, I have another document somewhere. It contained a lot of talks I had given on my mission. I need to find that so I can finish that and possibly publish that in a book as well. Should prove interesting.

I don’t want to go to sleep tonight. I’m not sure why, but I have this fear that if I fall asleep I might not wake up. I know it sounds stupid and everything, but that’s how I feel. Call it me being scared, call it a fear, call it an irrational fear. Call it whatever you will. I just know how I feel at this moment in time and there’s nothing I can do about it. I wish I could do something about it, but I just can’t. Not right now. Maybe tomorrow I will be able to think it all through. But for now? I don’t have a clue. Maybe I simply don’t understand what’s going on in my head right now. It would be nice if I could grasp everything that goes on at once, but I don’t think that’s possible. Heck, I don’t know what’s possible anymore. I wish I could get a grasp on whatever is going on in my mind. But I can’t. I’ve had manic nights before, this wouldn’t be the first. I’ve had other occurrences where I’ve managed to stay up all night and into the next day without issue. I don’t understand t...

Sun Apr 29 10:11:40 MDT 2018 Published a book I’ve been working on for a few months. It won’t go anywhere, that is for sure. For it cannot go anywhere. It must remain in my home and not see the light of day. Why is this? There are questions inside the book. Questions, doctrine, policy, criticism. Everything which I cannot publish out into the world. To do so would mean the end of me. So I shall keep it deep within and not publish it. My parents would flip. I would be excommunicated for such conversations and thoughts. Only because a corporation doesn’t want their members to think for themselves. I suppose that’s okay. I wish my parents had never forced me into a religion. I think I would have been better off if that hadn’t of happened. But well, who am I to judge? I am but a man and I also sin in my life. I’m not perfect. I am only a person to understand and grasp that which I can. I could be wrong. That thought has crossed me. But logic and feelings tell me otherwise. Oh, what to...