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I Want to Go Home

 I want to go home. Which home is that exactly? Oh home. Where I came from. Like initially came from. Before I came to this Earth. Wherever that is, I want to go back. I'm done with life. There's no point in continuing on anymore. It's too stressful. It's too hard. Does this mean death would have to happen? Oh, probably it does. The voices are telling me to go for it so why not try? They're egging me on. Is there a point to this life anymore? I've lost everything it feels like. There's nothing that can be done about this life. Nothing I can do to make it better. It is what it is. I have to deal with and accept that as what life is from now on.

It would be nice if life wasn't this way. It would be nice if I could find some way to overcome whatever depression I am in right now. But I can't seem to do that at the moment. So, I'm hanging on with all I've got so I don't go downhill any more than I already am. I don't know what I'm doing right now with life. I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I feel like I am. There needs to be a way out of this life that will be easy and painless. That's all I really want. Is that too much to ask? I don't know if it is. Maybe I'm dreaming up a non-existent future for myself. I really don't know.

Why must this life be so difficult to begin with. You would think it would be easier than it is. Maybe I'm the one making it difficult to live in. Who knows. I wish I had the ability to just snap my fingers and make everything okay again. But I can't do that. There's just no way to cope with all of these changes that are happening in my life at this moment. I don't know what to do about any of it.

I can feel paranoia sinking in already. Thoughts that don't feel like mine are also there. Is someone injecting their thoughts into my brain somehow? I don't know if that's possible. Is it demons that are speaking to me? Now that's freaky. I miss people that used to be in my life. I don't know what happened to them. Some don't want me back in their life, I respect that and it's okay. I screwed up those relationships there's no reason for any of them to be together anymore.

Am I just a big screw up? Maybe that's my problem. I don't know how to be socially acceptable. I don't understand life most of the time. I know I'm a part of it. It's a part of me. But beyond that, it baffles me. It shouldn't baffle me like it does. There's no point in it. So, what is it exactly that I'm confused about? That's the question I should be asking. Maybe I'll figure it out eventually. So many things would be nice if I could figure them out. But it's not that way. Not yet at least.

Life is strange to me. So many possibilities for so many outcomes to happen. I don't get it. I wish I could understand everything that happens to me, why it happens to me. Everything happens for a reason, right? Well, I want to know what those reasons are. So many wishes and so little time. That's what makes this life go round.

So, I guess I'll just let this life be what it is. When it's my time to go, I'll be happy. Until then I will try and just live my best life possible.

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