Skip to main content

Life Has A Way

Life always has a way of doing whatever it needs to do. There’s nothing wrong with that thought process. It comes and goes without a second thought. We can’t easily figure out why life does this to us, we have to understand something at some point, but if we don’t? Well, no harm no foul. It’s life and we have to continue going forward to see everything that is out there. There’s nothing we can do about it. Life will move foreward without the ability for us to do anything but wonder what this life will eventually be like in the far distant future. Oh what a joy that could bring about. If life has a way, we will be able to get from point a to point b in no time at all. It feels like a circle at times. A = B = C, isn’t that what the crazy future guy in Star Trek: Voyager tried to explain? Yeah, something like that. It’s quite an interesting thought process to be sure. It’s life though, nothing can be done about it. So let life be what it wants to be, there’s nothing wrong with that tho...
Post a Comment

Disassociation

 I've been told I disassociate as a coping mechanism with my mental illness. I'm not sure what to think about that. I mean yeah, I disassociate a lot, but if I'm doing that as a coping mechanism? That doesn't sound very good to me. I need to find a way to stop that from happening. Either I find a way to control my mental illness, or I find a way to simply shut everything down. I'm not sure what shutting everything down would look like right now.

I have a song repeating over and over in my head lately. Not sure I like the lyrics. They feel negative. Yet they feel like something I am dealing with at the moment. So, who knows what's going on with any of it. I'm not sure I understand anything at the moment. Where am I headed with all of this? You tell me. Because I haven't the slightest clue of how this life is turning out, where it's headed etc. Who really knows what's going on in life. That's the big question I need to have answered. Who can answer that for me? I don't have a clue.

It would be nice to be able to tell the difference between life and what I want life to be. I'm not sure I can do that effectively. I can tell when I'm disassociating, it's just an odd place to be. I haven't figured out a way to break out of it yet. I just sit back and let it happen. Is that the wrong approach to any of it? I don't know.

There's a lot of things I don't have a clue about. That's interesting now isn't it. I need answers. Like now. Not ten years from now, I want them yesterday. I fear that I won't be having any answers anytime soon. That scares me. I'm not sure what to do about any of it. I feel like I'm on autopilot and am just surviving at the moment. Such a weird thought process to be sitting here on autopilot. I need to find a way out of whatever this is.

If I have to die to make everything make sense, then maybe that's the answer. I won't take my own life though. God has to take it from me. He's the one in charge, so He has to take my life. Does that make sense? I sure hope it makes sense because I'm not certain how else it would happen. I'll take Death Ideation over Suicidal Ideation any day.

It feels like there are so many questions I want answered. Too many questions. I'm not a fan.

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Schizoaffective Disorder

I want to say it first began in High School when I thought I was trying to beat the devil. Now when I say I was "trying to beat the devil", I mean I actually thought I was hearing the devil speak to me at night and that I had to find some way to overcome him. Looking back I should have sought professional help then. I remember telling a friend about this experience, and he looked at me like I was nuts. Talk about craziness right? Yeah something like that. I believe my first mental break was when I was serving a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints . I wanted to go home so bad. It could have just been homesickness . But...there was something more to it. About halfway through I was just done with it all. I had had enough of rejection and wanted to go home. But I was afraid that I was unable to because I would simply be told no . I know that sounds silly to people. But that's what happened. I didn't b...
Post a Comment
Read more

Didn't Sleep

 What's the point of sleep anymore if I can't sleep? I don't think I slept any good last night. I was awake at 3 am wondering to myself, what on earth am I doing awake? Yeah, that happened. It doesn't make any sense. Fortunately, it's the weekend. So, I can catch up on sleep tonight. I don't have to be anywhere tomorrow, so it's a good opportunity to actually sleep for once. Whatever the case, I hope I'll be able to fall asleep and stay asleep. We will see what happens.
Post a Comment
Read more

ColdFusion

So recently, I decided to include ColdFusion in my Linux setup. I was going to just run Tomcat and install CF that way, but well I decided against that route and installed ColdFusion 9 using the regular methods. It's been running quite smoothly if I do say so myself. I of course don't have the installation instructions anymore. Oops. I suppose I could Google for them again and make a copy or something. But well if my server ever crashes and I have to start all over again, yeah I'll worry aobut it then. FOr now, not so much. So here's my current setup: MySQL PHP Perl ColdFusion 9 Yeah something like that. Not too bad if I do say so myself. Of course what else would I say about it? You know I wouldn't ever say anything bad about my own server setup. Well unless I already have, if that's the case. Oops. Disregard that blog post. So yep, I think I'll have some fun with all of that for sure.
Post a Comment
Read more