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Blast From The Past: January 7, 2020

Tue Jan 7 19:39:37 MST 2020 Let’s talk about today than shall we? I’d like to think it would be a nice moment in time if we could simply get along with everything that happens in this life, yet I doubt it will. It’s a shame if you think about it. A real shame. But what are you going to do with any of it? No one knows exactly. So here we sit waiting for something better to come along, hoping for something to happen and allowing us to actually see what is real and what isn’t.
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Disassociation

 I've been told I disassociate as a coping mechanism with my mental illness. I'm not sure what to think about that. I mean yeah, I disassociate a lot, but if I'm doing that as a coping mechanism? That doesn't sound very good to me. I need to find a way to stop that from happening. Either I find a way to control my mental illness, or I find a way to simply shut everything down. I'm not sure what shutting everything down would look like right now.

I have a song repeating over and over in my head lately. Not sure I like the lyrics. They feel negative. Yet they feel like something I am dealing with at the moment. So, who knows what's going on with any of it. I'm not sure I understand anything at the moment. Where am I headed with all of this? You tell me. Because I haven't the slightest clue of how this life is turning out, where it's headed etc. Who really knows what's going on in life. That's the big question I need to have answered. Who can answer that for me? I don't have a clue.

It would be nice to be able to tell the difference between life and what I want life to be. I'm not sure I can do that effectively. I can tell when I'm disassociating, it's just an odd place to be. I haven't figured out a way to break out of it yet. I just sit back and let it happen. Is that the wrong approach to any of it? I don't know.

There's a lot of things I don't have a clue about. That's interesting now isn't it. I need answers. Like now. Not ten years from now, I want them yesterday. I fear that I won't be having any answers anytime soon. That scares me. I'm not sure what to do about any of it. I feel like I'm on autopilot and am just surviving at the moment. Such a weird thought process to be sitting here on autopilot. I need to find a way out of whatever this is.

If I have to die to make everything make sense, then maybe that's the answer. I won't take my own life though. God has to take it from me. He's the one in charge, so He has to take my life. Does that make sense? I sure hope it makes sense because I'm not certain how else it would happen. I'll take Death Ideation over Suicidal Ideation any day.

It feels like there are so many questions I want answered. Too many questions. I'm not a fan.

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