I Hate My Life

 From the guilt to the paranoia, to the depression, to the anxiety, I hate my life. There's nothing really to say but that. I hate it. Why do I hate it? It's a good question that most people would ask.

I'm not a fan of all of the mental illness things going on. When they get bad, they get bad, and I don't like it. It seems to come and go in waves. There's never a single moment when they happen during a week. They just pop up whenever they decide to. The paranoia scares the shit out of me. I am not a fan. Thinking someone is out to get me. That my life will be over if they catch up to me. The thought of someone chasing me is so intense that I can't deal with it. So, I shut down.

Because of my mental illness I am getting a divorce. I wouldn't want to deal with me either. I'm a nobody who just can't seem to get their life together. When something good comes along I tend to ruin it and boy do I ruin it. I fear there's no fixing this, it's set in stone now. There's no going back. So that's just how life is at the moment. I wish I could turn back time and make things better before they got worse, but I can't.

I hate the fact that I am this way. Always wanting to go into the past to fix things. There's no point in doing that. There's no way to get a resolution that way. Nothing can help me get over whatever it is I am dealing with. There's no way to progress past these emotions and feelings. I feel like I'm stuck in a circle ever going around, never stopping. There must be a way to overcome this thought process. But I do not know how to do it. I need to find a way to drop it all. I'm not wanted for who I am so why bother with the rest.

Life used to be enjoyable. Amusing even. But now it's nothing. I feel no purpose for it. There doesn't seem to be a reason to live. I wish I could just blink out of existence. It would be better for everyone if that were to happen. No one needs to know the reason behind it all. I just need to simply not exist. I think things would be better that way. No one needs me around. I am a burden to all. So, why not let it happen. Right here, right now. Yeah, I didn't think it would. It never does.

I should find a therapist. Choosing one is difficult though. I never know who to choose based off of anything. They all say the same thing; there's nothing that distinguishes them from each other. It's annoying. If only there was a place I could go to that could get me the help I need. I just don't know where to search for such a place. There are certain criteria that I have on my end that need to be met, in order for this place to work out. I hope someone will be able to accommodate me.

I feel so alone right now. There are people around, but I feel alone. I can't find a way to shake this feeling. I hate it. I don't want to be in anyone's way, so I distance myself from them all. I'm already a burden why would I want to be anything more to them. I feel confused.