If there’s one thing I don’t quite understand about this life, is why must it be this way? I mean, we have to deal with some things in life and we cannot easily allow them to be what they want to be, at least I don’t think that’s how it works. If it did? Then everything would be fine, we could continue on about whatever we wanted to do and there would be no harm or foul. That’s the problem with this life though. Nothing ever fully makes sense at times and we are left holding the problem end of the cord. There are times when life will come clean with us, we don’t always get that kind of protection mind you. So what do we end up doing? Do we want to keep thinking and going on about whatever there is to go on about? I’m not sure that’s a safe course of action. Hell, what is safe anymore? I do not know. What I do know is life will continue to be the way it’s meant to be. There’s no stopping it. No matter what happens in this life, we will always be stuck with whatever we’re meant to be st...
From the guilt to the paranoia, to the depression, to the anxiety, I hate my life. There's nothing really to say but that. I hate it. Why do I hate it? It's a good question that most people would ask.
I'm not a fan of all of the mental illness things going on. When they get bad, they get bad, and I don't like it. It seems to come and go in waves. There's never a single moment when they happen during a week. They just pop up whenever they decide to. The paranoia scares the shit out of me. I am not a fan. Thinking someone is out to get me. That my life will be over if they catch up to me. The thought of someone chasing me is so intense that I can't deal with it. So, I shut down.
Because of my mental illness I am getting a divorce. I wouldn't want to deal with me either. I'm a nobody who just can't seem to get their life together. When something good comes along I tend to ruin it and boy do I ruin it. I fear there's no fixing this, it's set in stone now. There's no going back. So that's just how life is at the moment. I wish I could turn back time and make things better before they got worse, but I can't.
I hate the fact that I am this way. Always wanting to go into the past to fix things. There's no point in doing that. There's no way to get a resolution that way. Nothing can help me get over whatever it is I am dealing with. There's no way to progress past these emotions and feelings. I feel like I'm stuck in a circle ever going around, never stopping. There must be a way to overcome this thought process. But I do not know how to do it. I need to find a way to drop it all. I'm not wanted for who I am so why bother with the rest.
Life used to be enjoyable. Amusing even. But now it's nothing. I feel no purpose for it. There doesn't seem to be a reason to live. I wish I could just blink out of existence. It would be better for everyone if that were to happen. No one needs to know the reason behind it all. I just need to simply not exist. I think things would be better that way. No one needs me around. I am a burden to all. So, why not let it happen. Right here, right now. Yeah, I didn't think it would. It never does.
I should find a therapist. Choosing one is difficult though. I never know who to choose based off of anything. They all say the same thing; there's nothing that distinguishes them from each other. It's annoying. If only there was a place I could go to that could get me the help I need. I just don't know where to search for such a place. There are certain criteria that I have on my end that need to be met, in order for this place to work out. I hope someone will be able to accommodate me.
I feel so alone right now. There are people around, but I feel alone. I can't find a way to shake this feeling. I hate it. I don't want to be in anyone's way, so I distance myself from them all. I'm already a burden why would I want to be anything more to them. I feel confused.
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