Friends

 What would I do without the good friends I have? I'm not sure I have a clue. I wish I had the ability to just figure out this life somehow. Make it better, make it make some kind of sense. I should talk to my friends more about that, I think. They might have some insight into what I should do with my life.

I'm alone. I'm in a house full of people yet I am alone. Or I feel alone rather. I don't know how to overcome that. It's a friend I'm staying with and yet I don't feel confident enough to walk up to them and just say hey this is what's going on in my life and I'm scared, and I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to overstay my welcome in any means. I just don't know what to do.

It would be nice to just have everything come together at once. But I know that's not going to happen. Like ever. I have to piece together the pieces together one by one and make it all sort itself out. Making it figure out is the hard part of life. But I can do it if I really try and put my mind to it, I think.

For once in my life, I would like to be able to wake up and just be happy to be alive. But as it currently sits, I wake up and sigh thinking "oh great I'm still here." It shouldn't be that way. Nothing ever seems to work out the way I want it. I don't know who's in charge of my life anymore. I'd like to meet that person and just cry. I don't know if that would even help my situation. So what am I supposed to do with this life? That is the big question on my mind.

Nothing makes sense anymore. Right down to its core, I am confused about what to do with this life. I feel abandoned. Lost, alone, hopelessness is setting in. I know it sounds like a pity party, but I'm not trying to make it be one. I just have all of these feelings, and I am trying to regulate them in some form or fashion. I wish I was able to communicate this effectively. Why can't I understand or grasp any of this from the get-go? What is stopping me from being able to do anything about it. I don't understand.

I have my beliefs about life and the universe etc. God is somewhere in there, but I try not to rely on Him too much. I don't want to bother Him. I know He created all things, and we are here because of Him. So, I should be grateful for everything that comes across my path. But there are some things I accomplish on my own, aren't there? Or is everything God's doing. That's what I don't understand about it all. Maybe I'm not supposed to understand it. So many thoughts in my head, I don't know if I can write them all down fast enough.

What would this life be like if I had chosen different paths? I don't know what's going on anymore. I wish I could grasp whatever it is and just be okay with it. But I'm not certain I understand enough of my life to be able to do what is necessary, and what is necessary at that point? I do not know.

I feel like I'm messed up so much and I don't have a way to get out of it all. So many thoughts, so many it would be nice kind of thoughts. Yet we all know none of that will happen. Nothing good will come of it, so why try. I just want to feel normal again. Something to do to be normal, anything to be normal. I don't know how to be normal anymore. Maybe that's the problem. What is normalcy?

My mental health is taking a dive lately. I don't know what to do about it. It would be nice to be able to, I don't know, just figure out life for once. I have this mental illness and it's not going away anytime soon. I know this, the doctors know this. There's nothing that I can do about it. Sometimes I wish I didn't have this mental health problem but it's part of who I am. It doesn't control me; I don't allow it to. That's an important part of it all. I just don't know what to do about any of it. Something must exist that will allow me to become better than I am mentally. There's got to be a way to make that a reality. I just don't know what that reality looks like.

There are so many possibilities in this world. Some of which we never will understand or grasp. That's just the way this world works. So many things out there in this life that don't matter, yet we make them matter in the long run. I don't know how that is meant to work out though. Is it just some kind of special thought process that takes hold and we are stuck with it? I don't know.

If my mental health is taking a nosedive, that's not good. I need to nip that in the bud as soon as possible. I can't function with my mental abilities being affected. If that's the case, I'm screwed. There's no point in trying to figure it out. I just need to fix it. Fixing it isn't easy in the long run. There are so many different things that could go wrong in the process. I'm afraid of what will happen to me. Will I be dragged away by men in white coats? Will I be sent to a hospital? I best keep my mental problems to myself for the time being. There's no point in being dragged away right now. I don't want to.

I just want to sit down and cry right now. There doesn't seem to be any point to living anymore. I don't know what my future would look like if I were to die. It's a scary thought. Nothing can be useful when that happens, I suppose. This life just needs to find a way to fix itself.