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Blast From The Past: January 7, 2020

Tue Jan 7 19:39:37 MST 2020 Let’s talk about today than shall we? I’d like to think it would be a nice moment in time if we could simply get along with everything that happens in this life, yet I doubt it will. It’s a shame if you think about it. A real shame. But what are you going to do with any of it? No one knows exactly. So here we sit waiting for something better to come along, hoping for something to happen and allowing us to actually see what is real and what isn’t.
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I Feel Worthless

 I'm feeling worthless lately. There's no reason for me to feel this way, yet I feel it. My mind is shouting at me to do things. Things I don't want to do. Things I shouldn't do. There are so many things that I feel the urge to do, it's weird. But I can't do it. Ending my life is not an option. God has to take me out of this life. There's no other way. So let the voices be damned. I don't want to live anymore. I feel like that's me talking not the voices. That scares me. Is that really something I want? I don't know.

My mind feels so fragile right now. There are so many thoughts and feelings that I don't know what to do with. I wish I could figure this all out, but I don't know where to begin. I feel like I'm a mess. Wanting to die isn't new. It's a wish I've had for years now. At least since 2020 when everything started just going downhill for me mentally. That's when I was misdiagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. Does that make me crazy? I hope not. Am I just a human trying to live? I think so. Life is so complex.

Wishing I was dead is just a deeply rooted feeling I have. I don't know what to do about it. I need to find something worth living for. Too many thoughts this morning to control. I don't know what to do about any of them. Oh, there are the voices again. They're always around to keep me company. I'm never alone because I have them. They aren't nice though. They are rather mean. I don't like when they're mean. They get angry and tell me to do things. Things I don't like. So, I try my best to ignore them. There's no reason to let them free. They are just angry little hobos without any hope of survival.

Nobody has time for voices talking in their ears. Telling them to do things to themselves and whatnot. Really no one has time for any of that. So why do I allow them to talk down to me? Why do I allow them to walk all over me? It's a constant fight to be able to get free from it all. I don't know how to do it. I'm sure there has to be a way to do it, but I just don't know what that way is.

Do you know how difficult it is to have these voices always tearing into you? They say the meanest of things. Always putting me down. Never giving me a chance to breathe. I know my mind is making them up, but I don't know how to stop them. I don't want to live anymore. There's no point in it. I wish I were dead.

I feel so alone. I don't like this feeling. There must be another way to not feel alone. There's got to be something I can do, anything I can do to make me feel not alone. I wonder what that way is. Is there a simple way to make this happen? I do not know. I wish I could figure it out quick. Without this I am lost. Being lost and alone and afraid are all things that make me sad. There's no reason to live anymore. There really isn't.

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