Living In The Streets

 If it comes down to it, am I prepared to live in the streets? I see no future for me. I see no hope for me. There has to be something I can do to make it all better. I just want to sleep my day away. That's a bad sign, I think. There has to be a better way to figure things out. Something I am able to do in order to make this life bearable. I know a lot of these posts are just word salad and they don't make much sense to the average reader, but they make sense to me. So, bear with me.

I wear a bracelet that says, "God is big enough", well is He big enough to help me in my time of need? I've abandoned Him before; will He accept me back now? I feel so lost and confused at the moment. I feel there is no one to talk to that will understand what I am going through. They might empathize with me and all of that, but they won't truly understand what I am experiencing. How could they? They probably haven't been in such an experience before in their lives.

I think I would kill myself before I would live in the streets. A knife to the throat or wrist. Bleed out while dreaming of a better life. Yes, I do believe that would be the way to go. There has to be something better than this life. I want to see that something. No one understands me. I feel hopeless, sad, and alone. There's nothing I can do to make up for it. I'm a horrible person. I wish that weren't the truth, but it is. There's nothing to do with me. I'm lost.

The challenge to live is just too much right now. I wish I could turn back time to a simpler age and just relive past memories. A time when life felt simple and free. Where I didn't have a care in the world. But those times have sailed. There's nothing waiting for me there. So, I need to look forward and not look back. Behind me is only sadness and grief. It would be nice to be able to just die. If I have to take myself out of the equation I will. There's no point to this life. It is dead to me.

How does one simply move on. I don't understand it. I hope I will understand it someday, but right now I'm not getting the hang of it. This life has so much to offer, I know that. But when you don't feel like you have stable ground to stand on, you're stuck. That is a place I do not like being in. That is the place I wish I could escape. They say to just live life and allow it to take you wherever it wants to. Well, I need to be in charge of something. Right now, it's just the facial hair on my face. That's not much to be in control of. I wish I could make things better. Not just for me, but for everyone around me.

So many wishes in this world and I can't seem to grab hold of one. I don't trust myself to do the right thing in this state of mind. There's too much going on. Too many moving parts. I'm going through grief and loss at the moment. I know this. It doesn't get any better just because I can recognize it. It's a step in the right direction, but it doesn't feel like I am accomplishing anything. What else is out there? What is out there that I can do to become me again.

When you go through a problem in life and reach out to people, you can easily see who your friends are. The true friends who matter. The others can just scrape by and do whatever they need to do. I wasn't expecting a handout, just a helping hand in a time of need. I don't know what to do with this life. It feels too complex to do anything about.

Maybe I need to go into the hospital, they can help me get back on the right track, I think. But I don't want to fill out the paperwork and see the psychiatrist, and all of that. It feels like too much of a commitment. There's just too much to do when it comes down to that.

Hell, even family didn't want to help me out. I don't know what to say about that. I guess they've helped me out in the past too much already. Divorce sucks. There are too many feelings and pent-up emotions right now. I don't wish to live through them, but I must if I am to get through this. It feels like it's all a game and there's nothing I am able to do about it. I don't know what to do about any of it.

I need a more permanent solution. I can't just crash at a friend's house forever. There's so much worry in my mind right now. I don't know what to do about it. Giving up isn't a solution I guess, even though I would very much like it to be so. Life feels like it's running down on me. Trying to take me over in some form or fashion. I don't understand it. Just that it wants to destroy me. Maybe I should let it destroy me. That wouldn't be a bad thing, would it?

I have to remain strong. There's no point in crushing under the weight of whatever that is trying to bring me down. It would be so easy to just give up right now. I'd have to find a way to do it, of course, but I think it would be possible. I just feel so lost right now. I don't know what to do with myself. I can't go back; there's no going back at this point. Life once made sense. Now all I see is darkness.

The voices in my head agree. They tend to do that sometimes. There's no benefit for them to agree with me, but it does something for them. I say let it happen. We all live in Hell. You can only go up from here. There's no point in trying to understand it. That's just how this life is. For being Hell, it's lonely as ever.

But that's what this life has turned out to be. So, what are you going to do about it? There's not much you can do about it. That's just life. The light feels dim in my life. I'm sure there are ways to fix that dim feeling, but I don't want to. Just let it be dim. There's no point in fixing anything. If you can call it fixing something. That's just how life is. I'm a mess of a human being. I'm trying my best to survive at this point in life. That's all that matters, survival. Nothing else matters. I'm just going through the motions. I have no control over this life. No control. I am limited at what I am able to do. It's annoying. It's hard enough to be me right now. I don't want to be me. There's nothing good about it.

So many depressing thoughts are running through my mind today. I don't know how to go about my day without them popping up. Why must they be there. Why must they exist. If I go off of my medications it will only get worse. I can't afford to have it get worse. There's no point in going off of my medication. So, I won't. Until I run out then I'm just screwed. Unless I find a provider, who can fill my prescriptions exactly the way they currently are. They are working for the most part right now. I just have to be in this funk for a bit. I'll recover eventually. Maybe. Who knows.

I want to die. I want to fucking die. But even in death I doubt I would find peace. There's no reason for any of it. There's nothing I am able to do. I'm stuck and I can't do anything about it. That's the sad part about all of this; I feel helpless with no way to get over it or through it. It's just too much right now. I can't seem to figure anything out. I wish there was a way out of this situation. I want to be back home. But that's impossible. It will never happen again.

Life is such a silly thing to think about. There are so many things in this life that really don't make sense. We are left with the pieces to gather and pick up, put them together and see what becomes of this life. There's not much else to figure out. We all just try our best. Sometimes our best isn't good enough. So, we try harder. I don't have an answer for any of it. That's a problem.