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I Experience Depression

 I have depression. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. What's worse is I have psychotic depression. Major Depression Disorder with Psychotic symptoms. You can Google it to see what it's all about. There's a nice Wikipedia page that lays it all out for you. I know what you're thinking, Wikipedia can't be trusted. Well, it can, and it can't. Anyways, take a look.

My hallucinations appear in the form of voices. Sometimes they call my name. Other times they beat me down till my mental state is so abused I don't know which way is up anymore. I'd like to say you get used to it, but you really don't. When they come, they come swinging. There's a female voice, and two males that tend to plague me. I wish they would just want to talk to me instead of what they do, but it's whatever.

I'd call this illness a curse. Maybe something I did in a past life to deserve it. I don't know. If it is something I did in a past life, then I deserve it.

At times I think people are talking about me. Planning my demise or some other nonsense. That logically I know isn't true, but deep down inside I believe it to be true. So, it's a battle between my logical brain and my emotional brain at times. It sucks. I hate it. I never know which side to believe half of the time. So, I just try my best and live life when that happens. Sometimes it's so crippling that I don't leave my room.

When the depression hits, I just want to curl up into a little ball in a corner and sob. Somedays it's not that bad and I can fake a smile and go on about my day. People don't know I have depression, and I manage to just fake it that I don't. Even though I do. There are days I don't even want to leave the house. It can get that bad.

Right now, I'm in-between all of that. I feel lost. Hopeless. Not sure of myself or what to do. I hate it. But it's life and life means something to me. At least it did. I need to find that meaning again. Having this lost feeling is not a good feeling to have. I was almost in tears the other day because I just don't know what to do.

So that's life in a nutshell for now. It's not glamorous or anything of the sort. It's just life. My life.

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