I Experience Depression

I have depression. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. What's worse is I have psychotic depression. Major Depression Disorder with Psychotic symptoms. You can Google it to see what it's all about. There's a nice Wikipedia page that lays it all out for you. I know what you're thinking, Wikipedia can't be trusted. Well, it can, and it can't. Anyways, take a look.

My hallucinations appear in the form of voices. Sometimes they call my name. Other times they beat me down till my mental state is so abused I don't know which way is up anymore. I'd like to say you get used to it, but you really don't. When they come, they come swinging. There's a female voice, and two males that tend to plague me. I wish they would just want to talk to me instead of what they do, but it's whatever.

I'd call this illness a curse. Maybe something I did in a past life to deserve it. I don't know. If it is something I did in a past life, then I deserve it.

At times I think people are talking about me. Planning my demise or some other nonsense. That logically I know isn't true, but deep down inside I believe it to be true. So, it's a battle between my logical brain and my emotional brain at times. It sucks. I hate it. I never know which side to believe half of the time. So, I just try my best and live life when that happens. Sometimes it's so crippling that I don't leave my room.

When the depression hits, I just want to curl up into a little ball in a corner and sob. Somedays it's not that bad and I can fake a smile and go on about my day. People don't know I have depression, and I manage to just fake it that I don't. Even though I do. There are days I don't even want to leave the house. It can get that bad.

Right now, I'm in-between all of that. I feel lost. Hopeless. Not sure of myself or what to do. I hate it. But it's life and life means something to me. At least it did. I need to find that meaning again. Having this lost feeling is not a good feeling to have. I was almost in tears the other day because I just don't know what to do.

So that's life in a nutshell for now. It's not glamorous or anything of the sort. It's just life. My life.

Suicidal Ideation

Over the years I've had to deal with suicidal ideation. Those are thoughts of being dead, some more extreme than others. It causes issues for me a lot of the time. It's not an easy thing to talk about at all. Here's what it is: Suicidal ideation ( suicidal thoughts ) are thoughts or ideas centered around death or suicide . Experiencing suicidal ideation doesn’t mean you’re going to kill yourself, but it can be a warning sign.

Didn't Sleep

What's the point of sleep anymore if I can't sleep? I don't think I slept any good last night. I was awake at 3 am wondering to myself, what on earth am I doing awake? Yeah, that happened. It doesn't make any sense. Fortunately, it's the weekend. So, I can catch up on sleep tonight. I don't have to be anywhere tomorrow, so it's a good opportunity to actually sleep for once. Whatever the case, I hope I'll be able to fall asleep and stay asleep. We will see what happens.

Babylon 5 Destruction

I always get emotional watching the last episode of Babylon 5. Especially the destruction of the station. There are so many good memories of the series that it's just emotional watching JMS flipping the switch and the station exploding as the last transport leaves. It's like oh the series is really over. The station has served its purpose not needed anymore. Was peace ever really achieved though? It makes me wonder. I've only watched the series once all the way through, I'm on a second rewatch. One of my favorite characters is Mr. Morden. I'm not sure why that's the case, he's creepy as all get out. I just know that he intrigues me for some reason or another. Kosh is also a mystery, but he's meant to be that way. He's an alien that no one seems to understand or grasp. The whole story arc is simply amazing. It was television ahead of its time. I'm glad it was made. Talk about a brilliant television series. It was one of the first serialized shows...

DreamSense

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