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Programming In Perl

Been trying my hand lately in programming in Perl. Doing some database things with it. It’s quite an interesting language. I’m rather enjoying it, if I’m being honest. Coming from a Java background, I find it exciting to learn new things and take them as they come to me. It’s fun for sure!
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I Experience Depression

 I have depression. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. What's worse is I have psychotic depression. Major Depression Disorder with Psychotic symptoms. You can Google it to see what it's all about. There's a nice Wikipedia page that lays it all out for you. I know what you're thinking, Wikipedia can't be trusted. Well, it can, and it can't. Anyways, take a look.

My hallucinations appear in the form of voices. Sometimes they call my name. Other times they beat me down till my mental state is so abused I don't know which way is up anymore. I'd like to say you get used to it, but you really don't. When they come, they come swinging. There's a female voice, and two males that tend to plague me. I wish they would just want to talk to me instead of what they do, but it's whatever.

I'd call this illness a curse. Maybe something I did in a past life to deserve it. I don't know. If it is something I did in a past life, then I deserve it.

At times I think people are talking about me. Planning my demise or some other nonsense. That logically I know isn't true, but deep down inside I believe it to be true. So, it's a battle between my logical brain and my emotional brain at times. It sucks. I hate it. I never know which side to believe half of the time. So, I just try my best and live life when that happens. Sometimes it's so crippling that I don't leave my room.

When the depression hits, I just want to curl up into a little ball in a corner and sob. Somedays it's not that bad and I can fake a smile and go on about my day. People don't know I have depression, and I manage to just fake it that I don't. Even though I do. There are days I don't even want to leave the house. It can get that bad.

Right now, I'm in-between all of that. I feel lost. Hopeless. Not sure of myself or what to do. I hate it. But it's life and life means something to me. At least it did. I need to find that meaning again. Having this lost feeling is not a good feeling to have. I was almost in tears the other day because I just don't know what to do.

So that's life in a nutshell for now. It's not glamorous or anything of the sort. It's just life. My life.

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