Survival

 I'm not sure I know what's going on in my own life at this moment. I know what's occurred. What will occur soon. But nothing concrete. It feels like it's all made up and I am going to wake up any day now. If I had the ability to actually see the future, I could anticipate what was coming for me. But I can't, so I won't be able to do any of that. What a shame. So many things to wish for. So little time in which to do it all. I won't be wishing on anything anytime soon. There's no point to it. All we are left with are empty hopeless dreams that will never come true.

Maybe I can change the outcome before everything grows too late. Maybe I can do all of that and make it happen. I don't know exactly what needs to change yet. I'm still working on that list. I need to figure out something, anything to make this life move forward. I feel like I'm in survival mode. I guess I do have one wish, but she's not coming back. No matter how long I hang on, it's just not happening. Hopefully one day I can accept that fact and just let it all go.

What am I supposed to do now? What's out there waiting for me? There are so many avenues to explore I don't know how to do it. There must be a way to make all of this real again. For nothing feels real right now. It all feels fake. I'm not real am I. No, I didn't think so.

I don't even think there's a point in thinking about it all. If I can't do anything about it right now, there's no point in thinking about any of it. So, what's the point. There isn't a point to any of it, I suppose that's the point. I need to know how to get out of this place I have put myself in. It is not recommended to anyone. Not even me. So, let's table that for now. It can be discussed later. Much later.

I am in a safe place right now. That's all that matters. Safe is good for me. I can't seem to find a different way to be right now. It's either I am safe, or I am not safe. I would rather be safe. There's nothing wrong with that right? I hope not.

If this life doesn't matter then nothing, I do in this life really matters, right? Obviously, I'm not about to go out and do something stupid. That would be crazy and nuts. So, no doing that. That's off the table. Just living my own life is what's important. I'm tired of this life. It tends to get in the way of what's important. I don't know what to do about any of it. So here I sit waiting for something to happen. Something tells me I have to make the first move. I'm not sure how to do that.

Hell, there's a lot of things I don't understand how to do. What am I going to do about any of that? I wish I knew or had an inkling of a clue. That would be so much better. But I don't have any clue of anything, and I am just as lost as the next guy. That's what I feel is lost. So lost I don't know where to go. It's frustrating.

It's raining today. How appropriate. The gloom and doom of it all just manages to depress me even more. So, I try not to look outside. Cloudy days shouldn't be allowed. I'm so depressed right now. I can't deal with this depression, it hurts me. I'm hurting emotionally. It's not fair to be hurting like this. I've felt hurt like this in the past and managed to get over it. But this time it's deeper. A stronger hurt that I don't understand or grasp. I wish I could understand it, but I don't.

Nothing good can come from this life. There are so many things in it that are out to hurt you. If only there was a way to numb my feelings. Make it so I can't feel anything. Is that possible? To just feel numb to the world around me. I think I like that idea. There must be a way to feel that way. Just need to find out what it is. I just need to find a way. There must be some way out of here.

Life feels like it's out to get me. There are no safe places to be right now. If I could find a way to get through it all, I would. But I don't think I am able to. Not right at this moment. There's got to be something better than this life out there. I need to find it. Find something at least. Anything that will help me get past whatever these feelings are. I don't know how to overcome any of this nonsense. I am definitely lost.