Life can be so frustrating at times. Maybe it's just not worth going through the motions of anything anymore. Can I call it a day already? My mind is so messed up right now. I don't know what to do with any of it. It would feel much better if I could check out for a day or two. I don't know what else to do. Just allow me to check out seems nice. If I could allow that, and be able to come back, I think I would be okay. Sure, it's disassociation and I probably should avoid such a thing, but it feels like it needs to happen. I'm used to it, so why not.
I hate my life. I don't see how no one can see it. Am I keeping it deep inside far too long? I don't know.
Had some crazy ass nightmares last night. I dreamed I was in a mental hospital, but they were abusing the patients. It was like a warzone. I didn't like that nightmare at all. I would wake up and slip right back into the nightmare, it would continue where I left off. It was very disturbing to say the least.
Life feels kind of stressful at the moment. I hate it. I wish it all would end. However, that needs to be done. It just needs to happen. I'm sure I'll figure things out eventually. They can't always be bothering me. I hope they can't always be bothering me. It's something to consider. Something to think about maybe.
Until then I'll just keep writing whatever pops into my head and I'll have to deal with it. I hope I can keep reality separate from whatever my mind makes up. My therapist says I use disassociation as a coping mechanism. I'm sure that doesn't sound good in any way it's framed. Man, I feel so stressed. I feel like I have no one to talk to. It's annoying.
What is it about death that freaks everyone out? If someone wants to go, why can't they just go. No questions asked. I don't understand why this just can't be a thing. When it's your time to go, it's time to go.
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