Feels Like No One Cares

 I know this sounds silly. But it feels like no one cares at the moment. About me. I know there are people out there who do care about me. But my mind says otherwise. There doesn't feel like there's anything I am able to do about it. I feel like my hands are tied at the moment. I don't like this feeling. It's too complex to even figure out in my own mind. I'm sure it seems like something easy to anyone else, but to me it's complex. I don't get it.

It would be nice not to feel this way. I am not a fan of it. I wish I could feel normal again. I have a hard time trying to remember when I was normal. I don't seem to know when that was. What exactly is normal anyways? I don't think anyone has an answer to any of it. It would be nice if someone did have an answer to what normal is, but I don't think there's even an official definition of normal.

Life is too weird to try to understand everything going on in it. I mean we have a life, that we live. That much is a given. Then we have a state of being that comes along every so often. We feel ok, good, normal even. After that, things fall apart, and we all feel inadequate for anything that comes our way.

If I knew how to feel normal, don't you think I would have tried that by now? It would be way nice to feel that way. Instead, I feel anxious, depressed and other things I can't even describe. The part where I can't describe it annoys me the most. But that would be a given wouldn't it. Wishing never did a damn thing to be honest. But if I could wish, I would wish to feel life without all of these illnesses. That would be my ideal wish. But it could never be granted. Nothing like that exists for me.

I feel like shutting down now. With nothing to go forward into life with, it all feels useless. What am I supposed to do about any of it. I am so confused about this life. I don't understand it. I don't understand people, even family members I don't get. There are a few people who I do understand. I keep them close to my heart. They mean a great deal to me. The others? Not so much. But then again, that's just life isn't it.

So, I'm left with a question. What do I do? Why do I care so much? There has to be a reason I care what others think about me. I don't know what that reason is. If there's anything that can help me, I wish I could find it. But I don't know what that is. Anything at all would be helpful.

I wish people would educate themselves about mental illness and all the things that can happen with it. Certain conversations would be saved by such knowledge. No more "why can't you just..." type of questions. You know the ones I'm talking about. They don't make any sense. They never make any sense.

Why can't they just understand. How about we start there. That's a good place to start, don't you think? Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Anything to do with that would be a good thing. But no one ever does that. They don't grasp what one person goes through. All the while that one person tries and understands those around them.

So that's why it feels like no one cares.