Woke up at 4:30 again this morning. I don't know what's going on. There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. I simply don't get it. If I did, I wouldn't be questioning any of this. But here I am wondering what the heck is going on. When I wake up, I can't fall back to sleep. So, I tend to get up. So yeah, I've been up since 4:30 this morning.
Being awake so long gives me time to think about things. A bit overthinking has happened as well; I'm not a fan of that part of it. But it is what it is. Someday I'll figure things out to where I don't overthink anything and I'll be more stable. But that's just how life is right now. There's nothing I can do about it, it would seem. At least it doesn't look like I can do anything about it right now.
There are so many things to learn over again. I'm not sure how that will look or what I'll be doing. But I need to learn a lot of things over again. I'm pretty sure I can take care of myself. Like maybe 98% certain that I can do it. I sure hope I can do it because if I can't? I'm lost. I'm sure I'll figure things out again. How difficult can it be?
I miss having a companion. Someone who's there each day. But this is a new chapter in my life, and I have to be able to stand on my own. There are so many things that I don't understand about life. I wish I could understand them, because if I did, I could move forward properly. Right now, it feels like I'm in a rut. I'm scared, alone, afraid, and I don't have a clue how to get out of it. There has to be a way to do this without losing my mind.
Can I just give up right now? I'm not sure I can. I don't know how any of that works. It would be nice to be able to figure things out but not go overboard right now. I can't handle the stress that is currently my life. There's so much stress in my life right now. I wish I could get over it. The anxiety needs to go away, that much is for certain. Maybe I just don't know what I'm going on about.
There's so much to this life that I don't know. It needs to stop. Either I learn something, or I just forget it all. I don't know which one is better for me. So many wishes in this life and I don't have a one that will come real. Maybe my wishes aren't small enough. It would be better to have manageable ones, I guess. Kind of like goals. Keep them small and manageable. Isn't that how it goes? Yeah, something like that.
Maybe I'm just fooling myself. It's quite possible for me to do. I've done it in the past, so why not now. There has to be a way to get over this. Whatever it is, I need to be able to figure things out. But there's always the question of, what if I don't figure things out? What happens then. Well, I don't want to be living on the street, so hopefully I'll be able to figure something out. Anything would be acceptable at this moment. You never know what's going to happen though. So many possibilities are out there. It all makes me want to scream. But I have to remain calm, cool, and collected. There's no other way about it. That's all there is to it I think. I have to keep my head about me.
Easier said than done. Most things are that way. Easier said than done. But you know it's possible to figure things out eventually. Who knows how my life will turn out. I don't even know that. I'm sure I'll find out eventually when it happens. But not right now. Right now, I'm just flying by the seat of my pants.
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