Been trying my hand lately in programming in Perl. Doing some database things with it. It’s quite an interesting language. I’m rather enjoying it, if I’m being honest. Coming from a Java background, I find it exciting to learn new things and take them as they come to me. It’s fun for sure!
Waking up every morning and going through the routine is getting tiresome. Having anxiety on top of it just makes it worse. Will today be a good day? Will it be an eventful day? A meaningful day? I don't know but I must know. It's like someone shut me in a room and locked the door, then the door disappears, and the room is filled with people. People I don't know.
Then my mind gets overloaded with things. Thinking about the future, where I'll live. How I'll live and get around. I feel doomed to repeat this vicious cycle over and over again. It doesn't make sense to me. This life just doesn't make any sense to me at this time. I wish it would, but it doesn't. I want to scream and yell and just shout at the world. Things are not getting better.
I feel abandoned by family. I get it; I'm a burden they don't want around. No one wants a burden around them. It's that simple. So why bother with it? Why bother with any of it. There's no point in wondering if I'll ever be able to live with them. They said no. So that's it. No further explanation needed. Message received.
I want to die. This isn't just wishful thinking. It's a fact. I don't want to live anymore. I'm ready to go to wherever you go when you pass away. There's no point in living this life anymore. It doesn't make sense I know, but it makes sense to me in my own mind. All of the answers are there. There doesn't appear to be any other answers, no more questions. It is all a waste of energy to try and think it through. I just want to die.
People won't understand my request. They wouldn't understand if I did die. I'm too young, they would say. Death is for old people. Things like that. I don't blame them for thinking that way. I of course am guessing at how they would react. There's no way of telling how they will respond. Wait, am I talking about what I think I'm talking about? Oh dear, that's not good. But I must.
There is no other way about it.
Everything needs to change somehow. I can't do it on my own. There's got to be help out there somewhere. I just don't know where to find it. So many things in this world don't make sense and we are here trying to live life to the best we can. Living that life doesn't mean it's easy though. Sometimes it's downright hard and difficult. I hate it. I hate it all. Yet I must endure. If I had the knowledge that I need to have, I wouldn't be in this problem. There's no way out right now. I can feel it.
Life needs to slow down for a moment so I can catch my breath. It's moving too fast, I don't know where I'm headed right now. I don't know where I'm going. Eventually I'll have to find something. Anything to get me out of here. Out of this life. There has to be a way to escape from here, right? If not, then I'm just messed up without a way to do anything. I don't like the thought of that. No one can tell me otherwise. It's already in my mind. It's too late to do anything about it.
Oh my.
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