It's been established that I would rather die than live. It's that simple. Death Ideation is what I have. I know someday I will die, God will have to be the one to take me out of this life, because I refuse to do it myself. Suicide isn't an option for me. At one point in time, I thought it was the ideal way of leaving this life. Almost did it once but got nowhere with it. So, it's off the table. It's a terrible story that I don't tell very often, and I don't wish to tell you. So, you won't be able to read about it. God brought me into this life; God will take me out of this life.
What if there isn't a god? I mean that's quite possible. We could be believing in some nonexistent entity. A deity that doesn't exist. Now there's an interesting thought. If that's the case, who are we worshiping on Sunday? Who is it we pray to? If there's no god, then all of that is meaningless. Useless as it were. Huh, that's an interesting thought.
That line of thinking makes my stomach turn. I'd rather believe there is someone watching over us. Someone we worship and pray to. Someone who cares about our day to day lives. They don't typically respond back in the manner you would like them to. Sometimes it's a feeling. A prompting as it were. Other times it's something else. But the important part is someone is there. You are never alone.
Religion isn't high on my priority list at the moment. I'm not sure why that is. It's just a thing that happens, I guess. It would be nice if I could pick up a religion and move forward with it. I'm not saying it's out of bounds and not a possibility. It will take time to find one I can be comfortable with. Being raised Mormon, I have a difficult time choosing another religion to call my own.
Death will come for me. It is inevitable. There can be no substitute for it. It will come and when it does, I will rejoice for my time on this Earth will be over with. I won't have to suffer any longer. It will feel good to be done with this place. Some of the Earthly stressors will be gone. Worry, doubt, fear...all of those things will be a thing of the past. Even though they are currently on my mind right now, they will be eventually gone for good. I look forward to that day. I look forward to death. Again, I will not make that day come closer quicker for me than it's supposed to happen. That is a no go.
So, I will wait and see what happens with this life. How absurd can it get for me. How crazy will I get from it. So many questions I have to ask, yet no one to answer them. I suppose that will just have to do for me. If I'm unable to figure things out here, maybe in the next life I will have the time to explore and learn whatever it is that eludes me down here on Earth. There's a thought.
I can live with it.
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