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Can We Talk About Life?

 Seriously, can we talk about life for a moment? It's pretty screwed up if you ask me. There doesn't seem to be anything I can do to make things right. I have no place to go. I'm lucky to be where I'm at in the first place. But that can't last forever. I don't even want it lasting three months. I need to find a place to stay that's stable and good to live in. I don't know how I will do that exactly; that's still on the drawing board. Everything I own fit in a suitcase at the moment. I have nothing to my name literally. It's a difficult place to be in at the moment. I don't know what to do with myself.

The family I'm staying with are wonderful. They let me into their home without hesitation. I just wish I knew how to repay them back for their kindness and not step on any toes. I also don't want to over welcome my stay. That would be a big no on my part. I could see how that could happen though. I don't want that. I'm sure they don't want that either. I'm afraid of what will happen. Isn't that normal to be afraid of what will happen? I think it is. I hope it is, if it's not then I'm not normal and we have bigger issues. But what can I say at this point in time. It is what it is and there's nothing anyone can really do about it. So I'm alone in my journey to find a better place for me.

I hate to even think about it. There's so much to think about during a time like this that I don't know what to do about any of it. Maybe there's not much to think about. What if that is all there is to think about though and I am missing the boat? I'm not sure what to think to be honest. I feel so lost and alone. There's no one around to help me figure out my thoughts. Hell, I can't even get into the same therapist I had the last time because of an overdue bill.

With all of these unknown parts of life, I tend to think about suicide as a means to end it all. My mental health is not where it should be. It's like it's taken an electrical shock, and I don't know what to do about it. Is that normal of a feeling to have? I'm not sure. I feel like I need a reboot on life. If there's any way I can figure this out it's got to be soon. I'm feeling overwhelmed at the moment, and I don't know how to get away from that feeling. I hate it.

Every time I move, I leave a part of me behind. There's no explanation to it. I just can't take it all with me. Especially on an airplane. Maybe I should have just traveled by vehicle instead. A nine-hour drive doesn't seem that difficult. Maybe that's what I should have done. But it's too late now. I flew and that's all there is to it. My things were left behind to hopefully be shipped to me at some later date and time.

So many things I wish for, and so little time for them all to come true. I'm aging, as is everyone else on the planet. It's a normal part of life. As we age things tend to get worse for our bodies. We don't know what to do with any of it, just let nature take its course. I wish it wasn't that way, but that's the way it seems to be at times. For everyone. On the entire planet.

So that's where we end up. Life is difficult and different for everyone around us. We each have our own individual hurdles to get through and that is a great deal. Nothing really ever makes sense to us and that's what becomes a thorn in my side. But we still move forward marching to an end goal where life won't be as bad.

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