DreamSense

That’s right. Refuse to quit. Don’t do it. You don’t have to continue with anything if you don’t want to. You can refuse to quit. You can keep going. There’s nothing anyone can do with it. It’s your choice to keep moving forward.

It was dark out. There I was sitting all alone. Left. Alone in the dark. No one to see me sitting there. No one else seemed to care. All because I was left alone in the dark.

That’s what tonight feels like. Never asleep. Awake because of reasons. There’s nothing wrong with that. Yet it’s what I feel. It’s what I do. Nothing matters anymore. I’m unable to figure it all out.

Oh there are times when nothing makes sense. We all want it to, but it doesn't and so what do we do about it? We run and hide. We run away so far away to a place where there's nothing we are able to do about it. We run inside our minds and souls, hoping to get away from it all. So we run away. Then what happens? That next bit is up to you.

Life has a way to make you remember things and actions that you have done. There isn’t much else to do with this life. You either go forward or you don’t. There is no turning back. No point in turning back. Life gets in the way like that. It can be a merry go round or a tower terror drop. Either way you’re here and there’s nothing you’re able to do about it. People would have you believe you have complete control over your life. This isn’t the complete case. For example you don’t have control over getting certain diseases. If life wills you to have those diseases you will have them. If it doesn’t you won’t. That’s just how this life can be.

There are some things in this life that you just can’t figure out. I’ve see. A few of those and well I can’t understand them at all. Why would that be? Doesn’t make much sense to me. Yet here we are and that’s all which matters for now.

There will come that day when you think you can help someone, but it doesn't work out the way you expect it to. Too many things in the way where you just cannot help that person you wish you could help. So you try your best and hope for the best. Eventually they tell you they're going to sleep. You tried and there's nothing else to be done about it. Fortunately they chose sleep over doing anything else. Maybe something tomorrow or the next day. I don't know. Just wishing and hoping there was a way to help them out the best way I know how....I just wish I knew how to do that.

Darn Polar Bears were keeping me up last night. Not sure what on earth they were doing… thought they hibernated during this time of year. Guess I was wrong. All I could hear was a seasaw. Guess the Polar Bears were just not sleepy and wanted to have some fun? Yeah no clue. I think I’ll waddle over to their habitat later on and see what they’re up to. We’ve been neighbors for a while now… and haven’t gotten to know them. Or I’ll just go looking for fish. Mmmm fish.

Some penguins like to be tickled… others do not. I for one… do not enjoy the tickling. I tend to kick… and or scream. It’s my nature… I’m a penguin. Don’t touch me unless I invite you to. That simple right? Right… well so my owner thought. They touched me… I bit them back. Now I’m behind bars… kinda a sad life for a penguin. Being behind bars like this. I’m sure some of my penguin friends will come rescue me. Sure they “call” it a zoo… but it’s something far worse than that. People coming by every day to take a look… a “quick peek”. Yeah if it were such a “quick” one, why would they let their kids gock at me all friggin day? Yeah… something like that. Oh well. At least the temperature is right… and they keep the polar bears next door behind a pane of glass. That’s nice of them. I’m not a fan of the polar bears… they tend to freak me out. Kinda creepy if you ask me. There’s another penguin in here with me… she doesn’t talk much. Come to think of it she doesn’t...

Woke up this morning in my … for lack of a better word, cell. To find the polar bears playing their polar bear games. Looking over the wall, I could see them. They sure know how to have fun. Silly polar bears. I wouldn’t mind introducing myself to them… if I knew they wouldn’t try and eat me. We’ll have to see how that pans out. There are currently three polar bears in the next cell. A large male and two females… what the luck. All they gave me was a stuffed female penguin. Yeah that’s right, she’s stuffed… and not in a good way. Nope, she’s a penguin… just not real. Hopefully they’ll bring me someone more talkative… but for now I’ll just stick to watching polar bears.

Went out walking today. Decided to take in my surroundings. Came upon a truck. The keys were in the ignition and the door unlocked… so I took it for a drive around the block. Now don’t ask me what a truck was doing in front of the house… but well I couldn’t pass up an opportunity. I’m used to surfing on ice burgs and swimming. But never had the opportunity to drive before. Hopping in the drivers seat, I started the engine. Looking down to the floor, I realized I couldn’t reach the pedals. So I just sat in the truck and listened to music.

Was sitting there this morning doing my usual thing. Sitting. I’m a penguin after all. Flipped on the TV, and saw this cute baby seal. I thought to myself, why on earth is there a cute baby seal on my TV? I mean a baby walrus I could understand, or a baby dolphin… perhaps even a baby penguin… but a baby seal? Wrote a letter to the TV company asking them why they would show such things on MY TV of all things. Don’t they understand I’m a penguin and I don’t want to be watching seal porn on my TV? They didn’t quite know what to make of it… guess the talking penguin part was too much for them. I’m now in the pound… yup they sent a dog catcher after me. Oh well… at least I have cards.

Had a strange experience this morning… woke up in a shoe box in a freezer. I’m not sure what I was doing in that freezer… I do like the cold, but something tells me I had been there a long time. Not sure exactly how long mind you… just a while. It was quite strange. Hopping out of the box, next to some frozen chicken legs, I manged to use an ice cube as leverage to open the door. I know a thing or two about ice. Growing up around the stuff all the time. As the door to the freezer opened, I found myself in an amusing place known as a kitchen. Poking around a bit, I soon realized I didn’t remember who I was. I suppose it’s time to figure that out… I’m a penguin… on a mission.

Say no to things. Say no to those things you aren’t comfortable with. If you don’t want to do it? Say no. It’s not easy at first. It’s never an easy thing to do. But if you feel like saying no. Do it. Say no. Get in the habit of saying no. It’s not going to kill you.

Today is Valentine's Day. It's different. Different is good...just not used to the difference yet. I mean, it's way different. That's fine and to be expected after a divorce. So here we sit thinking about how different everything is. Talk about a train wreck at times.

My girlfriend keeps saying this phrase as a declaration that she's not going anywhere. I've had anxiety over people leaving etc. It is a scary thing. They are there one day and gone the next. It's a risky way to do anything if you don't expect them to stick around much. So if you don't expect people to stay, what do you do? How do you cope if/when they leave you? That has been a question I've been wondering myself for a long while. I still don't have an answer for it.

If this helps at least one person, then that's good.

I am but a bird in this life. A cage I call home. Running isn’t an option. Until they come and feed me. Then may I make my flight out of this place. Oh how I shall fly and soar to the highest heights. Yes dear human, open my cage.

Living a life wasn’t meant to be this way. Some would have you say it was an excellent achievement. Others would have you believe it was not. Either way, life found a way to divide itself out. By doing so, life would eventually end.

So, not everyone can say they’ve stayed a week, let alone two, in the Behavioral Health unit of a hospital. That’s the place you go when you’re having suicidal thoughts and possible actions. I never thought I would have done that myself, but well there I was sitting in the ER having blood drawn and questions asked of me. How did I get to this place in my life, am I using drugs etc. The room I was in initially was void of any electrical equipment. Literally anything I could have used to harm myself had been removed from the room. A security guard was waiting outside the door in case I decided to bolt and make a run for it, or something. Basically he was there to keep me safe. They made me put on a yellow hospital gown, which didn’t have any strings. You’ll get used to the no strings at all thing in a moment. You couldn’t have any strings at all. Shoelaces were removed, any strings in PJs or Sweat Pants were cut out, belts were taken away. Any possible chance of hanging yourself w...

Waking up early should be like a sin or something. I woke up at 2:30am this morning. It wasn't anything I've done in a while. Well at least a week or two. But that's okay I guess? Maybe? No, I called it a sin that's right. So I can't just accept waking up that early.... but when you're not alone up at that time, what can you do? Exactly.

Living with a mental illness isn’t a cake walk. You don’t get to decide when to have a panic attack or how that panic attack might look. But you can try to control panic attacks and suicidal thoughts and actions. Depression is a main issue as well, as people suffer from a multiple amount of such psychosis during their lifetime. A chemical imbalance in the brain is what they call it. It’s not anything you want to battle ever. But, because someone has a chemical imbalance doesn’t mean anything bad. You don’t need to shy away from talking to them about it, and you don’t need to be ashamed that you have it either. It’s just what life deals you.

Went to lunch with some friends today. It was therapeutic. Now I'm exhausted and don't know what to do or where to do it. Ya know what I mean? Yeah, something like that. So that's where I'm at right now. It's okay I suppose...I just need to make sure I am able to function later and tomorrow morning when I have dr. appointments. Doesn't seem like a normal life does it? Nah, didn't think so.

I don't enjoy sleeping, I enjoy waking up from sleep even worse. I'm always reminded of the same thing over and over again. I hate it all. There's nothing worse than actually feeling like you have to do something in order to fall asleep, or something to wake up from sleep. Yeah, it can be that bad. Hopefully I'll someday be able to figure this all out and everything will be the same again. If it doesn't? Well, who knows what I'm meant to be doing with that information.