Can I Die?

 Well, the answer is of course I can die. Anyone can die. It's part of their genetic makeup. But choosing to die at a given moment is frowned upon. You can't just decide to die one day and call it good. I mean I guess you can do that, but I wouldn't recommend it. Trust me, I've tried.

I hate dancing with these inner demons that want to destroy me. There's nothing else I can do about it though. The dance continues and I must dance with them in order to stay alive. It can be a simple dance; it can be a complex dance. Either way it's a dance. Neither of us knows which one will win. So, we just end up in a holding pattern waiting for the other to strike next.

Life is a weird thing for sure. One moment I'm happy, the next moment I'm miserable. Ups and downs are what I call them. I tend to go through them a lot. It would be nice to be able to not have these emotions and feelings running around in my mind. But I'm not sure how to make that possible.

I need to find a good therapist. Not just any therapist. A really good one. Someone who will listen to my problems and not just brush me off. Someone who will actually take the time to go okay, here's what's going on and here's the best way to help you. You know that kind of therapist. I haven't had luck yet finding one here.

The voices tend to get a little heavy around winter. The intrusive thoughts as well. It's so damn depressing at times. I hate it. I wish it didn't happen, but it does, and I'm stuck with it. So that's life for me. Just a stone's throw away from death and I'm trying to not fall down that rabbit hole.

Feels like I'm stuck in a rut. I don't know how to get out of it. I'm just stuck. I wonder what people would think if they knew I talked about suicide so much. Would they understand? Would they even care? I don't know. I do know that I want to die. There's no escaping that thought process.

So, I'll sit here waiting for the inevitable to come and get me eventually. I don't think there's another way to put it. Death will come for us all someday. Somehow. There's no escaping it. I welcome it. Whenever it decides to take me, I welcome it. I'm going to yell that out in the air someday. I don't know when that will be, but it'll happen, and Death will hear me. He might take it as a challenge, he might not. Whatever happens, it will be thrown out there for all to hear.

Life wasn't meant to be this messy, I don't think. It would be nice to be able to figure out something with this life though. Anything would help really. I don't know what to look for actually. It's just something I need to do. Let's face it, looking for death hasn't been very successful lately. I'm not sure what it is I need to do about any of it. Life will end when it decides to end for me, I guess.

I hate that. Why can't I have control over when my life ends? I wish I could have some kind of breather. Something where I can just take a moment and get my thoughts together. But life keeps moving faster and faster. Soon I won't be able to tell which side is up.

I wonder if anyone else can tell how fast life seems to be moving for them. Maybe they do. It feels like yesterday I was just 20 years old. Now I'm a bit older. So odd and strange to feel this way. My joints don't let me forget how old I've become. That's for sure. I don't blame them. Life is just one of those things that we have to face every day. There's no changing it. We can't skip it. It's forced in our laps, and we have to accept it. I wish it weren't that way, but it is so there's no use in complaining.

Damn silly life. Always trying to get the better of me. I wonder what God has to say on the subject. That would be an interesting interview now wouldn't it. I think it would be. Dear God, why am I so messed up? That's a good opening question, I think.

I've been wanting to die for a while now. It's yet to happen for I am still breathing and well alive. I came close once to slicing my wrists. Something got my attention away from doing it though. I can't remember what it was. I still think back to that time, the knife in my hand. Ready to do the unthinkable. It felt like time paused for a moment as I contemplated how to go about it.

Some would say it was good I snapped out of it. I think I was just not ready to do it. I don't know which is the correct answer. Either way it didn't happen. Whatever. It was just a thing, I'm sure.

I need the one person who gets me. She's been my constant companion though thick and thin. But we've broken up. There's no going back now. That ship has sailed long into the dark night. Here I sit waiting for a better day to come along. I don't think I'll ever get remarried. It only ends in disaster.

I'll bounce back somehow, I'm sure. This is probably just a pause in life. Things will get better. Don't they always? I wonder what life will bring for me. Will it be something useful? I don't know. I wish I had some kind of clue how things will eventually go down, but I just don't know. Something has to get better. Something has to feel better right? I just don't understand how it's meant to be. None of it makes sense right now. I'm not sure if it ever will.

That's life for you.