Done With Life

 I feel so done with this life. It's been a good run, but when it's your time; it's your time. The bad thing is I know I wouldn't even be able to do it if I wanted to. So that's nothing to be worried about. I can only hope it will happen naturally. There's no point in any of it I guess. What is the point of any of this life? That's what I want to know. Other people seem to get it, why can't I?

Depression comes with its flaws. That much is certain. Do I have to die to understand it all? Do I have to die to grasp the concept of love? If that's what it takes, I don't want any of it. That's just what this life gets out of me. A whole lot of nothing. And why should it get anything from me at all. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore. These feelings are real, I know that much to be true. I hate it, I hate it so much I want to burst out crying. But that won't do any good for me or anyone else around me. So, I bottle the emotions up inside. There's no reason for any of it to work out.

Death by God's hand or suicide. They both get you where you want to be going. But only one is actually looked favorably upon. Like it's okay to die by God's hand. But if you choose to die by your own hand? Nah, people look down on you. Hell, God might even look down on you. Who's to say which one is better than the other. If a person chooses to go, why can't they just be let go from this life and that's it? I wish it were that simple.

The simple matter of it all is I want to die. It's that cut and dry. I don't care what other people would think about me if I died. That doesn't matter to me. Will they be sad? Some will. Some might even be happy. But I don't care what they think. It would bring about so much peace to me. I wouldn't have to deal with these constant thoughts anymore. The voices would be gone. The disassociation would be gone. There's so much that would be gone. I feel like I would gain so much from being dead.

But unfortunately that decision is not in my hands. It's in God's. He has to take me from this life. So whenever He feels like He's ready to take me. That will be the right time for it all to happen. I can't do anything about it. Yeah, it's that deep.

The truth hurts. It hurts to find out that you're just not wanted anymore. It sucks big time. I don't know how best to handle this information. My mind is racing, and I just don't have a clue to go about it. I understand the reasoning behind it, I really do. I get it. Doesn't mean it'll get better because of it though. Life is just crazy and hurtful at the same time. I hate it. But what can I do about it? Nothing. I have to sit back and let life do whatever it has to do. Which sucks.

People leave. It's just a fact. They don't stick around. Why would they? I mean look at what they have to work with. I try my best and it doesn't do a damn thing. Why would it? Doesn't make much sense does it. No, I didn't think it did. So here I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. If that shoe does drop, I have nothing to look forward to. I'll be so lost. So alone. Frozen in time without a plan to do anything.

I need to snap out of this train of thought. But there's no one out there to help me. That's what it feels like. I don't like that feeling. It disturbs me to the core. Like I don't have a voice to scream out. But what can I do about it? There's just not much to be done. I'm lost without any kind of control. I need to feel control in my life. Is that too much to ask? For simple control. I'm not asking to control someone else's life or decisions, I'm just asking to control my own.

Everything just came at me so fast. I feel like I can't breathe. If I'm meant to feel pain, it's working. I don't understand what's going on with this life right now. I don't get it. Is that clear enough? Everything feels like it's crashing down around me. I wish there was something I could do to fix it. But I can't. I feel trapped without an exit strategy in place. I don't know what to do about any of this and it scares me.

Is that all there is to this life? Being scared and cornered? If that's the case, yeah, I want out. That's no life to live for me. There has to be something better than this existence. Anything better than this existence would be nice. Would be better in fact. But here I am worrying about everything there is to worry about, and I don't have a clue why that is.

If I could figure out this life, I don't think I would have a problem with it. But the thing is I can't seem to figure out life at the moment. It just would be a nice to have. I doubt it would ever happen quickly for me. There could be a situation where something might happen, but I highly doubt it. That's all there is to it.

I want to figure this out. It's mind numbing at the moment. Not being able to talk to anyone about it is a problem. Not even my closest of friends can I speak to this about. It would be nice to be able to just vent to someone. But I don't see that happening anytime soon. That's what I get for not having friends.

No, I don't live in my mother's basement. haha I know you were going there. It's not going to be that simple. Not now, not ever. That's just life for me at the moment. What a silly life this is. It comes and goes and comes again without you knowing it. I wish I had the ability to figure out something, but that seems to avoid my grasp somehow. I'm not sure why that is.

My brain feels so unhelpful at the moment. So many thoughts running around and yet I feel numb. Numb to the situation at hand, numb to myself. Just numb. No explaination to any of it. There's no coming back from this. Yes that realization just hit. There really is no coming back, once it's done, it's done.

This numb feeling has to go away sometime, doesn't it? It doesn't feel real yet. I'm sure once the ball gets rolling things will be moving fast and I'll feel something. Let's hope I don't go into a depression downfall again. That's the worst kind of downfall for me. I swear it happens more times than I want it to, which isn't good.

All I'm doing is existing right now. There's not much else that's happening for me. It would be nice to be able to figure this out. Somewhere in this lifetime it would be nice to be able to just figure out everything that I want to figure out. Gah that sounds like a word salad. Everything tossed in at once and it doesn't make sense.

I'm not making sense. I realize this now. What's the use of making sense if all I'm going to do is scramble around inside my head all day. I wish I could make sense today. But my brain won't allow me to. It feels like I'm not even here at the moment.

Sadness seeps in. My life is before me. The things in the past are gone; they serve only as a memory of what was there. Once lived, yet no longer living for me. Everything else can go by without making me think. Stolen moments waiting for something to happen. Those moments are stolen from my own mind. But how can that be possible, unless I allow them to be taken from me. Who cares if I'm making sense to anyone else but me at the moment. It would be nice to be taken out of the equation. I don't think that will be possible this time. Life will continue the way it has continued for many hundreds of thousand of years before I was even thought of.

A belief in something that's not there is not a thing I want to discuss. On the other hand, it's something that probably needs to be thought about. If it's not there, what was there to begin with. What thought was replaced in the first place? There had to be a thought sitting there waiting to be taken up. But I'm not so certain about any of that. It would be nice to be able to figure things out.

I want answers! I want to understand everything that is going on. I don't want it to get buried with my thoughts. It needs to stand out, it needs to behave and learn to be good in my brain. If that doesn't happen, then I don't know what will be the case.

I'm so done with this life. There doesn't seem to be anything worth going through anymore. I don't have a plan; there's no point in having a plan. I would be scared to death if I had a plan in place and was determined to go through with that plan. That would be freaky.

Perhaps this life isn't meant to make sense to us lowly humans. Is that possible? I think it could be. We are just meant to live out our lives and not worry about anything that happens. We just live life, that's all that's expected of us. Is living life to our best ability good enough? I don't know.

In order to understand my place in the universe, I think I need to be able to just stop my brain from overthinking. It needs to slow down and be able to actually have a thought process where it can find out where it belongs. Where I belong. I do not know where I belong at the moment.