Why Must I Live

 It's the age-old question. Why must I live? What's the purpose of living anymore. Breathing in air and seeing all there is to see. What is the purpose of it all. I don't understand any of it. Why must I exist. I didn't ask to be born, I didn't ask to exist. There's nothing good about life. Everything has its way to go south and it usually does. There's no reason to live. People don't understand how tormenting this is for me. They don't get why I feel this way. I don't understand how people can just live their lives like there is nothing wrong. There are so many things wrong in this world, I can't even begin to name them all. Why can't I grasp a simple thing like existing. There seems to be too many thoughts running around in my head why I shouldn't be able to understand any of it. So, I continue to move forward. Wherever that will take me. I do not know.

Staying with a friend and his family. I feel nothing but a burden to them. There's nothing to do about it. I don't know what to do about any of it. I wish there were some way to get past this. A way to simply get what I need and cut loose. There's got to be a way to do that. So, I'm not a burden to anyone anymore. I have to figure out a way to make all of that happen. There must be a way. If I could find a way to make any of that happen, I probably wouldn't be any better off mentally. I hate my life. There's nothing I can do to make my life any better than it is right now. I need to figure out a plan. No one can know about it; they would stop me if they did. But what is it I want to do? Where will I go? How will I end up? Too many questions to things I won't ever have an answer for.

So, what happens to me?

It's a simple question, isn't it? I mean one would think so. If it's not, I need to find a different question to ask. Something with a little more meat to it perhaps. There has to be something I can do, something I can understand and seek out to simply see all that is going on. I don't believe there is a way to overcome any of this at my present condition. It's something I have to figure out by myself. No one can help me. Maybe this time things will be different. The other two times are different in the fact they didn't go through. But this time. This time is something way different.

I'm discarded, unwanted, unloved, a piece of scrap thrown to the dogs at the table. That's what I feel like right now. I had to leave; there was no staying not even another day. Your life is what you make of it. I don't quite understand how to make my life anything. I'm lost in that department. There's nothing out there to make me believe or think something of worth is really out there. I have no worth left in me. I am nothing, a nobody. What is wrong with me?

I would like to think there is something out there for me. Someone I can have a relationship that will last. I don't know how to make any of that work though. There doesn't seem to be a simple place where I am able to do what it is I need to do. I'm a stranger, lost, alone, and confused. There doesn't seem to be a place for me to lay my head where I don't feel like a burden to anyone. If I could figure out what to do, where to go, and how to do it; I think I would be better off. But for now, I am just lost.

Don't worry about me. I always say. I'll figure it out someday. There's nothing to worry about. Nothing a sharp knife can't handle. An overdose of medicine maybe. Harmful poisons, yes those are all possible. There's one problem with that plan. I'm too chicken to do it. So that won't be happening. I need to be able to find a way to get out of this life peacefully. Something I can handle, something that will help me. Anything that will simply make this life look not as bad, is that possible?