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A Failing Life

 I feel like I have failed at life. I look at other people and see how happy they are. I want that happiness in my life. I want to be able to just be happy with everything. But I can't. I don't see how that's even possible. It scares me. I want to lay in bed today and do nothing. Just fade away into the covers like it's nothing. Just pretend everything is normal as I sleep the day away. But I have to work. There are things that need to be done. That's just life. If I ever figure out how to make this life something more, it will be a godsend.

It would be nice to be able to simply wake up and have everything back to normal. That's not going to happen is it. There has to be something I can do about it. Something I can do to just make things have a sense to it. I don't grasp any of it.

Is it all just nonsense to everyone else? Am I not understanding or grasping what's going on at all? Maybe that's the problem. I just don't understand what I am to be doing in this life. If that's the case maybe I should take myself out of the equation and just end my life. No one needs me around, right? I want to die. I don't see a reason to be here. If God wants all of his children back, why not just let me die. I'll be back sooner than later. But no I'm told that's not how it works. I fear I'm depressed. There has to be a way to get over this.

I need to figure out this life. That's really all there is to it right? I need to be able to figure out this life and be able to keep up on things. I'm not a fan of anything. I wish I could snap my fingers, and everything would be better. But I don't see how that's possible. That's not how this life works out I'm afraid. Nothing ever works out the way you expect them to. I don't understand why. There are so many things out there that can and will harm you. Your mental health is in danger. People don't understand this. No one understands it. I wish I could get it.

I'm failing at life right now. I don't understand it. I don't grasp it. I don't get it. Life doesn't make sense to me anymore. I want things to make sense again. Did they ever make sense? I don't know. Maybe I don't want to care right now. I hadn't thought of that before. Not wanting to care can be quite a unique thought process. If I don't want to care, then my mind is really screwed up at the moment. I wish I could find a way to get over this hurdle in life. I don't know what else to do about any of it.

I hate my life.

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