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Major Depressive Disorder

 It's a thing. I have it, I know about it. I don't know everything there is to know about it. I need to do some research that's for sure. But I know how I feel day in and day out. I don't like the way I feel, but that's what it is. I cannot take this illness completely away from myself. It's there for the rest of my life. I can take medication to help with the symptoms and all of that, but medication won't fix it. I'll still feel depressed on the inside. Oh, I can wear a smile all I want, but it won't take it away.

Feeling this way sucks. Somedays I can't smile. I can't even fake a smile. All I want to do is lay in bed and sleep. There needs to be a magical medicine that just takes away everything that ails me. Unfortunately, there isn't one. There's nothing that can be done. I can talk to a therapist, I can take some medication to help with some of the symptoms, or I can just give up. If I give up, then there's no hope to be feeling better. I don't like the idea of just giving up.

Somedays depression feels like I'm just going through the motions. Like I'm on auto pilot. Not thinking about what I'm doing, I'm just doing it. It would be nice to not be like that. But what can I do? I'm stuck with whatever there is. Trying to snap out of it can be a hard time as well. I don't know what to do about it though. I just wish there was something I could do to make it all better. What exactly is "better" in this situation anyway? I don't even know.

I remember the day I was told I have MDD. I was in a hospital psych ward. They were explaining to me that I had MDD and Schizoaffective Disorder. I had never heard either term before, I had to do some research on them. I focused more on schizoaffective disorder than MDD.

To this day I'm not fully aware of what triggers my depression. I just know that it's there. I currently know what triggered my depression. I'm working through things though. So, I will get there eventually. I just don't know when that will happen. As long as I keep taking my meds, they'll keep me somewhat sane for the most part. But that's life for me. I just have to deal with it.

There's nothing to think about with all of it. I either try to get better, or I don't. That's all there is.

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