Skip to main content

Major Depressive Disorder

 It's a thing. I have it, I know about it. I don't know everything there is to know about it. I need to do some research that's for sure. But I know how I feel day in and day out. I don't like the way I feel, but that's what it is. I cannot take this illness completely away from myself. It's there for the rest of my life. I can take medication to help with the symptoms and all of that, but medication won't fix it. I'll still feel depressed on the inside. Oh, I can wear a smile all I want, but it won't take it away.

Feeling this way sucks. Somedays I can't smile. I can't even fake a smile. All I want to do is lay in bed and sleep. There needs to be a magical medicine that just takes away everything that ails me. Unfortunately, there isn't one. There's nothing that can be done. I can talk to a therapist, I can take some medication to help with some of the symptoms, or I can just give up. If I give up, then there's no hope to be feeling better. I don't like the idea of just giving up.

Somedays depression feels like I'm just going through the motions. Like I'm on auto pilot. Not thinking about what I'm doing, I'm just doing it. It would be nice to not be like that. But what can I do? I'm stuck with whatever there is. Trying to snap out of it can be a hard time as well. I don't know what to do about it though. I just wish there was something I could do to make it all better. What exactly is "better" in this situation anyway? I don't even know.

I remember the day I was told I have MDD. I was in a hospital psych ward. They were explaining to me that I had MDD and Schizoaffective Disorder. I had never heard either term before, I had to do some research on them. I focused more on schizoaffective disorder than MDD.

To this day I'm not fully aware of what triggers my depression. I just know that it's there. I currently know what triggered my depression. I'm working through things though. So, I will get there eventually. I just don't know when that will happen. As long as I keep taking my meds, they'll keep me somewhat sane for the most part. But that's life for me. I just have to deal with it.

There's nothing to think about with all of it. I either try to get better, or I don't. That's all there is.

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Suicidal Ideation

 Over the years I've had to deal with suicidal ideation. Those are thoughts of being dead, some more extreme than others. It causes issues for me a lot of the time. It's not an easy thing to talk about at all. Here's what it is: Suicidal ideation ( suicidal thoughts )  are thoughts or ideas centered around death or suicide . Experiencing suicidal ideation doesn’t mean you’re going to kill yourself, but it can be a warning sign.
Post a Comment
Read more

Didn't Sleep

 What's the point of sleep anymore if I can't sleep? I don't think I slept any good last night. I was awake at 3 am wondering to myself, what on earth am I doing awake? Yeah, that happened. It doesn't make any sense. Fortunately, it's the weekend. So, I can catch up on sleep tonight. I don't have to be anywhere tomorrow, so it's a good opportunity to actually sleep for once. Whatever the case, I hope I'll be able to fall asleep and stay asleep. We will see what happens.
Post a Comment
Read more

Babylon 5 Destruction

 I always get emotional watching the last episode of Babylon 5. Especially the destruction of the station. There are so many good memories of the series that it's just emotional watching JMS flipping the switch and the station exploding as the last transport leaves. It's like oh the series is really over. The station has served its purpose not needed anymore. Was peace ever really achieved though? It makes me wonder. I've only watched the series once all the way through, I'm on a second rewatch. One of my favorite characters is Mr. Morden. I'm not sure why that's the case, he's creepy as all get out. I just know that he intrigues me for some reason or another. Kosh is also a mystery, but he's meant to be that way. He's an alien that no one seems to understand or grasp. The whole story arc is simply amazing. It was television ahead of its time. I'm glad it was made. Talk about a brilliant television series. It was one of the first serialized shows...
Post a Comment
Read more