Penguin Feelings

 If I am a penguin I don't have to feel human emotions. It's the human emotions that weigh me down. What do penguins feel? Are their feelings simpler than humans? It makes you wonder at times. I know what human emotions can do to a person. There's no resisting that. I feel them every day of my life. It's those emotions that I can't seem to get a handle on. I wish I could, it would make life so much more pleasant. If I was a penguin, human emotions wouldn't even be a factor.

Every day I experience anxiety and worry that life isn't going to hold out like it should. I'm afraid that everything will come crashing down all around me. There should be more things to this life than what I'm feeling. So many things out there and I don't quite understand what is going on most of the time.

I'm mad at life right now. It can go to hell for all I care. There are so many worries in my mind that I can't keep track of them all. I hate it. The thoughts and the feelings and the worries and the stress all come together in one package wrapped with a not so nice bow. Being angry with life isn't helpful I get that, but that's what it feels like at the moment.

Part of me doesn't know why I'm mad. The other part knows exactly why I'm mad. I'm just upset about having to find a place to live. It scares me. I wish I had a clear picture of how that will look, what it will feel like. There are just so many thoughts that I can't keep control over. I am not a fan. There needs to be not so much stress and anger in my life. I wish I could calm down and just be at peace with life.

The anxiety and depression can fuck off too. I'm tired of dealing with those. Fighting the voices also hurts and takes away energy from my day. Focusing on the voices alone makes me want to scream. If I scream will people hear me? Kind of like, if a tree falls in the woods and no one's around will it make a sound. That sort of thing. So, what would happen if I were to scream? Would it alleviate some of the stress I am feeling right now? Would it lessen the anxiety? What about the depression? I highly doubt it would do any of that for me. So, I have to keep on being strong. There's nothing else to do.

There needs to be a way that I can stop overthinking about things in life. Something has to happen. I just don't know what that route is yet. I'm sure I'll come to an answer somewhere on it all, but I don't know how any of this will go down. If that's just life, then I'll figure something out.

I don't want to go outside anymore. I don't have a problem staying inside. There's like no point in any of it. At least I don't feel there's a point to any of it. What's the point of life anyways? We're all going to die eventually. Some sooner than others. There doesn't seem to be a rhyme or reason to any of it. I've said it before, and I'll say it again; this life feels meaningless to me. There's nothing important about it. What am I supposed to do about any of this life? I don't understand it. What's the use of this life?

Life has a way of waking you up, I guess, if that's what you want to call it. I don't like the wake-up call. It comes at weird times and times that don't make sense. It's not pleasant for any of it to happen. But I have to deal with it. Or I get to deal with it? Something like that. I hate it. That's the point, I hate it. I want things to go back to normal. I don't know what normal is, but I want it back.

Was I really happy though. That's the question. Was I just going through the motions? I don't know. There are so many questions that remain unanswered. I don't know if I'll ever get the answers I seek.

There are certain things I miss. Certain people I miss. I can't do anything about it now. It's too late. The monsters have won this battle. I feel defeated. I don't know what to do about it. I am just lost. So very lost. What am I supposed to do about all of it? I don't know, I don't understand. I want to know and understand what's going on in my own life. There has to be a way to understand this. Any of this. All of this. It just can't be left uncontrolled.

The voices are having their day with me. They're calling me names. Making fun of me. Doing their thing. Accusing me of this loss I am experiencing. I hate them. They need to stop. It's giving me a headache. How can I fight them? There must be a way. I've tried telling them off, they get madder. I try ignoring them, they get more annoying. The intrusive thoughts don't help either. I feel like I'm being attacked on all sides. I don't want to go to the hospital. I can't miss work. I can't miss life for that. There's just too much going on with everything that I just can't up and leave for a week or two. I need to find a way out of this hole I am in.

There feels like there's no point to this life. It's here to torment me and that's it. So, I suppose it has a point after all. I wish I could find a way to stop it from being so difficult. What more does this life have in store for me? Haven't I had enough at this point?! I want it to be over. I wish it would end, but there doesn't seem to be a way to end it all. Something has got to give. Anything at this point in time. I do not know how to do that. God I'm moody today.

I wish my mind could figure things out. I don't know how to figure things out. There needs to be a way to handle all of these emotions I am feeling. Something that can make it all better. Anything to make it all better. I do not know how to do that. I know I can't go back and fix things. There's no way of doing that.

I tend to ramble a little here and there. But I'm trying to cut that down. I just can't help but think I am a failure, twice now. Two marriages down the hole. I don't think I'll get married again. That's just my gut feeling on the matter. I don't have the strength in me to help manage a relationship. Let alone be in one. I think I'm just destined to be alone the rest of my life. I'm okay with that, I think.

Thoughts come and go most days. Some stick around. Some become annoying. I don't know what to do with these thoughts. There must be something I can do with them. Something I can do to make them go away. I don't know how to do that. There are so many things in this life that don't make sense. A lot of things don't matter. So why focus on them in the first place? If they don't matter, there's no reason to make them important. I'm not sure I understand even what I'm saying here. Gotta slow down and make me think things through again.

I want this life to be something better than it is. There's a catch though. I'm not sure I know how to make that happen. I wish I could figure it all out soon. Soon would be good. But there are so many unanswered questions I have that need to be answered.

1. Where am I going to live.
2. How am I going to survive.
3. What am I going to do with all of these emotions I have.
4. Why did this have to happen.
5. Could I have done anything to prevent it.

The list goes on. Not understanding things is a nightmare. It would be better if I could manage to grasp what is going on in my head. Is there anyone who can tell me what's going on in there? I'm not sure they can. Some might try and all of that. But I doubt they'll get an accurate reading of exactly what is going on. That makes me sad to think about. Is there a way to get through all of this? Is there a way to understand what is going on? I'm not sure I can grasp everything that is going on right now. That scares me.