There's No Reason To Live

 Let's talk about life for a moment. I don't believe there is a reason to live. If that means suicide so be it. This life just doesn't feel like it's going anywhere for me right now. I'm alone, depressed, and just miserable. I wish I had an idea of what to do to overcome all of this, but I don't. There doesn't seem to be much going on for me right now. It would be nice to be able to figure everything out all at once, but I can't. I can't run faster than I can walk at the moment. It's terrible. I know I shouldn't wish for death and all of that, but I do. I wish something would take me away from it all and I would just find a way to live without all of this pain. This internal hatred for myself. I've said it before; I hate my life. There's nothing that's going to change that. It's just life I get it, but there's so much more to it that I don't understand or get.

So, where does that leave me. Alone. I will always be alone. There will be nothing good for me out there as long as I am alone. Life is meant to be shared with a partner. Old tale has it that humans were originally made with four legs, four arms and one heart. Then they were separated, the haves have been looking for the other half ever since. That's what makes up a companionship. A relationship. But in order for the relationship to work, both sides have to want it to work. Let's table that for now.

This life is difficult. There's not much going on that makes sense anymore to me. I try to understand what's going on and yet I don't quite grasp it, any of it. I feel so lost and alone that I don't have any idea of what to do about life. It would be nice to be able to just figure it all out, but I don't have that ability to do so.

So here I am. There's nothing to look forward to in this life. Nothing but misery and pain and I'm done with it. I'd rather be dead than having to deal with these things. Call it depression, call it out of control, call it whatever you will. They're probably all right. I have noticed my depression getting worse. I don't understand how that can be. I'm simply depressed. There feels like there's no hope for me. Nothing to boost my emotions into something better. That's just life for me at the moment. I'm not a fan of it. There has to be something better. Anything better than this life.

I wish I could get over this hurdle. But I'm stressing out like there's no tomorrow. Maybe if there were no tomorrow I could simply die. Not worry about anything anymore and just be happy. But I know that's not the case. That's not how it will work out. So many things that are going on in this life and I don't have a clue how to get around them. I wish I could simply hope for something better, and it would take place. But we all know that's not going to happen. Magic doesn't exist, real magic that is. Maybe my ex was right, I'm useless. No one would want me. Why would anyone want me.

I feel so lost at the moment. There needs to be a way to get over this hump. I don't understand how it could have gotten this bad. I am depressed bad. There has to be something I can do, anything I can do to just get better. I don't want to do anything. I want to lay in bed all day and just rest. But that's not an option. That's a no go for me. I'm going downhill fast.

If I can't wish for things to get better than I have to take matters into my own hands. How do I do that though? It doesn't make sense to me. I need to find a way to figure all of this out. I need a moment to breathe. Breathing would be good. But I don't know how to even do that. What am I supposed to do about any of this? Do I just lay down and sink into the abyss hoping by some miracle that things will get better. I doubt that would do any good. Things don't get better unless you work at it. That's all there is to it.

I blame myself for everything. If I didn't have these emotional breakdowns, I might not have such an issue with life. I might be able to keep a marriage together. There seems to be no hope for any of it. I feel like just falling asleep and not waking up. Is that too much to ask for? Depression sucks. I feel dark, like my soul is dark. There's no light within me anymore. I'm a waste of space. Maybe someday I will be able to understand what's going on, but for now I just don't get it. I wish I understood what to do, but I don't. Everything is going downhill. Who am I to judge what or how I am doing. Isn't that for a professional to look into? Oh, that's right the professionals I need to get into I can't. Because I owe them money. What am I supposed to do about all of this?

Something has got to change. Anything has got to change. I wish I could make something happen and everything would be alright again. But I don't know how to make that happen. Something just needs to change and get better. I don't know what that change is, or how it will get better. But it needs to be something.

If only I had a way to rationalize any of this. Let my logic part of my brain do some hefty lifting. Then maybe I would be able to understand what's going on. But right now, my emotional side of my brain is in control, and I don't know what to do about it. I hate when that happens. It's not a good thing. It's something terrible actually. Quite terrible. But I am just here waiting for something to happen. Anything to happen. Everything else is just sitting by the wayside. Looking for something to do. It's a terrible fate to be in.

Wishing never did anything. I hope to die.