Why Do I Have These Feelings

 Why do I have these thoughts and feelings? I want to know. Why does my own mind want me dead. Why do the voices want me dead. Why don't they like me. Why is it so difficult to fight against them day after day. So many questions. Why do intrusive thoughts enter my mind when I'm trying to focus on something. I wonder if there's an answer to any of these questions I have. There seem to be a lot of questions that are in my brain right now. I don't have answers to any of them. Yet they still remain. It would be nice to have answers, I want answers now. Not yesterday, now. Today as it were. Do the voices know or understand what that even means? I bet they don't. They only want to torment me. Something I am quite used to. Constant thoughts never ceasing, always making my life a living hell. I don't understand why I can't have answers. Don't I deserve answers? One would think I would. I mean there has to be something I am able to do about it all. Who knows what's going to happen with this life.

I want to die. I've wanted to die for a while now. But my brain won't let it go. It always comes up. Never fails to come up to me. My thoughts always have this mess in my head. See that sentence doesn't even make any sense. If I could make my mind not worry and be anxious about life, I would. But I don't know how to make that happen. There must be a way to fix this thought process. I really don't know how to make that happen though. I overthink too much. It would be nice not to overthink things. My soul feels dark and black like an abyss never to return from where it went. Wishing hasn't done anything. What's the saying, shit in one hand and put wishes in the other and see which one fills up faster? Yeah, that's what it feels like most days. I feel alone. I don't know how to get rid of that alone feeling. I'll be alone for a long time; I better get used to that feeling.

Being alone can be a good thing if you can put a positive spin on things. It can also be a bad thing too. There are both good and negative things to being alone that can come with it. I don't know which is better to have. I'll probably experience a mix of both. I don't plan on dating ever again. I can't put my heart out there a third time. Time to protect my heart with all I've got. No exceptions. I need to focus on my mental health at the moment and keeping me sane. There's no excuse for that. I need to come up with a game plan on how I expect to be able to do this. There's got to be something I can do. Anything really. It has to be done, whatever I come up with I have to stick to it. I am so stressed out over this. There's no reason to be. I just am.

All I ever do these days is get stressed out about things I have no control over. It doesn't make any sense to me. I need to find a way to make things manageable again. Were they ever that way to begin with? I'm not sure I have a clue about that. I have fears of being left behind. People forgetting about me. Where I'm all alone and there's nothing, I can do about it. Those kinds of fears. I don't know where they came from to be honest. I just know they are there. Oh, how I wish I could just figure out all of these fears and put them to rest! I'm not sure how to do that. Maybe I'll just be lost forever.

I need time to grieve and mourn. A loss has occurred. I don't know exactly how to do that though. It simply does not make any sense. I've run over it all in my mind several times. I always come back to the same conclusion. Things just weren't meant to be.

Reality is shifting. I can feel it around me. Things are changing, more than I would like them to. But I must allow them to do it. It's their way. Nothing seems real anymore. It's like I could reach out and touch a wall that isn't there. Everything feels wrong. Nothing seems to be what it once was. Oh my, what is happening to me. I do not understand any of this. My mind needs to stop whatever it's doing. It's not real. It can't be real. Yet it feels so real. I'm not here, I'm somewhere else asleep. I need to wake up. That's it, I'm dreaming I just need to wake up.

I want this life to make sense. Is that not possible in my current state of existence? I don't think I understand exactly how any of this life is meant to work out. Is life just over and we are all expected to accept that? Have the machines one? Those are simply metaphors of course. There aren't any real machines or the like. But we are asleep. No one realizes it though. That is such an odd thing to think about. No one realizes that we are all asleep and there is no need for us to do anything about it. It will work itself out, it always does. You'll see. I'll wake up and be where I am supposed to be. This fracturing of time is ridiculous. It needs to stop now.

There needs to be a way I can reverse everything and make things peaceful again. I don't understand how it can be so unpeaceful and unrecognizable. My mind must be playing tricks on me. I don't get it. I don't understand a lot of things, but that doesn't mean I'm an idiot. I just need to stop listening to these thoughts inside of my head is all. They seem to do whatever it is they want to do. I am just lost, at this age of all things. Starting over and the like. I wish I were back to where I belong. Things would be so much simpler then. I think.

I can either let go of this reality, which is crumbling anyways, or I can stick with it. See where it will lead me. That brings up an interesting point. If this reality is crumbling, and the other reality is stable why would I stay here? What good is it of me to stay when I can go someplace else. It makes no sense to me at all. That's just life I suppose. But I doubt I'll get anywhere with it. I'll die alone. No one at my side. No one caring about me. I will simply die. There will be nothing left for me to do. Don't romanticize death. It will do nothing for you. You'll still be the person you are, just with a fancy idea of what death could bring. The trick is you have to actually die in order to get there. Not worth it. There is electricity all around us, but we just can't see it unless it sparks. That energy provides so much for our lives.

So many things I wish to do before I die. I doubt I'll ever get to them all, but they could be fun. Probably scare the hell out of me, but worth doing. Things like skydiving. Deep sea diving. Things like that. Things that will take life to the extreme just to see where it goes. Maybe that's not a good idea for me. I don't know what would be good for me. Need to figure that one out.

Everything seems to be falling apart right now. Life doesn't feel real. This existence, everything that makes us alive doesn't feel real anymore. There's something about this other feeling I am experiencing that I just don't understand. Why must I feel this way? What do I benefit from it?

Fighting thoughts in my head over what is real and what is fake. What is real anymore. How can I tell. Is there a test I can do to ensure what I am seeing and hearing are real? Ah, that is the question that troubles me the most. How can I tell what is real or not. There are so many things that come to me that make me feel like nothing is real. Nothing makes sense anymore. We are all living a lie. A lie that cannot be shaken, it's so sneaky the way it was created. There's no way to overcome it.

God, nothing makes sense.