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Blast From The Past: January 7, 2020

Tue Jan 7 20:06:13 MST 2020 There has got to be some reason for these thoughts. Whatever thoughts come into my mind, I mean they have to have a reason right? Worry, regret, things I can’t control. Everything else which simply can’t be understood or controlled…things like that. I don’t know what to do with these thoughts. People tell me to simply forget about them. Let them go. Who’s to know how that’s meant to work out. I don’t have a clue. I wish I did. That would be nice, but I don’t. I mean, if life is meant to be simple…a breeze, something we’re meant to accomplish well into our 90s etc, if we live that long. Then aren’t we suppose to be able to do something with it? Aren’t we meant to be able to accomplish something and just be there for each other? No matter what happens? Life comes and goes, it’s not meant to be out there out there, but here we are. We don’t know what happens all the time. We don’t know what goes on when we aren’t listening or aren’t watching. We simply don’t ...
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Whispers

Oh the things that come out of my mouth

There are many things that come out of my mouth at times. They are not helpful things at all. But they are hurtful thoughts and phrases. "I want to die" and so forth.

I'm working on making it so they don't do this to me. It would be nice to be able to simply get over the thought process and whatever else is bogging my mind down. It would be nice to be able to calm my mind and not whisper these thoughts out loud. People can hear when I do so and I get strange looks.

I don't know why I say such things, why I whisper such things to myself. They are counter productive to life going forward. Sometimes I just whisper swear words under my breath. I tend to say the most vile swear words known to man. I shouldn't of course be doing this, it really isn't conducive to anything good. Yet I am but a man and do as I please as it were.

Other phrases that come out of my mouth are "I hate life" and "when will it all end?" I'm not sure about either of these. They seem to come out from nowhere. I can't seem to pinpoint any of it down. It would be nice to be able to understand what's going on with all of it, but well I can't. It gets to be so frustrating in my mind/head when I go through an experience like this. I don't know why this is happening this way. Or why things just tend to happen. It's like life takes control and I don't have any. I'm sure people will say "Oh you have control over what you say! You always have control." That may be true, but I don't have control over what the voices say or the thoughts say that I mutter out. That control belongs to someone else, and I don't know who controls that.

I didn't always whisper things. I remember when my mind was quiet and calm. Those were peaceful days. Nice days, good days. I wish I could have those days back. But I fear that it is going to be an impossible task. I don't know why that is, one would think I could just pick and choose what I want changed in my brain and bam I could do it. Unfortunate it doesn't work that way.

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