What Is It About Today?

There are some tings that can be said about today that kind of make sense. Other things really don’t and tester on the edge of insanity. Most days it feels like I’m stuck in a feedback loop or possibly a time loop without the ability to cut ties to the loop and overcome whatever it is I’m meant to overcome.

Panic sets in and I don’t know what to do about any of it. That’s when the fear begins to dance around in my mind. Fear and panic both play a role in what’s in store for whatever is to come next. I wish I had the ability to snap my fingers and everything would be back to normal. I’d be laughing and carrying on or whatever it is I do before this damn mental illness entered my life.

It’s fine, it’ll be fine. I keep telling myself. When in reality I know it will never be fine and there’s nothing I am able to do about it. That’s just what I know about my life. Phycosis aside, there’s nothing that makes me more angry than the stigma that comes along with these medical conditions. People don’t understand what’s going on with people and that needs to change. I’m not asking for special treatment, I just want people to understand.

Maybe I’m asking too much by that statement. Who can say what’s enough and what isn’t these days. I’m not sure I can even tell the difference. Feels like you take one step forward and two steps back most of the time. There’s nothing stable about any of it. Meaningless doubletalk is all I hear at times. It needs to stop.

But, who am I to stop all of this nonsense? People have to get informed about what it is they’re doing and overcome whatever it is that they’re doing. There’s nothing wrong with some education and understanding. It would be nice to be able to wake up one morning and say, hey I’m cured! That will never happen of course. Life is too cruel of a place for that to happen. No, a cure won’t do anything at this point. Everything will come crashing down eventually and there wouldn’t be a cure strong enough in the world to make it work out better.

So let it be what it will be, and allow things to shape the way they’re meant to. I don’t see the possibility of making anything better or worse by doing so. It’s all up in the air after that. Nothing else matters beyond that point. Why should it matter? I for one don’t care one way or another. I just want it to come to an end is all. Whatever that end state is, I want it.

Is that too much to ask for in this life of grief and pain? Let the suffering end, there is nothing but misery beyond that red door I see in front of me. Make it stop and I will be free. Make it stop and I will be happy. Oh the lies that we tell in order to make it through one more day. It’s a unique perspective now isn’t it.

Perhaps this life we’re living, all of this, can be summed up by one sentence. Death comes to us all, there is no escaping it. But is that really where we want to see ourselves in the far future? I doubt it. I wouldn’t mind hanging on for a bit longer to see what else humankind manages to come up with. But I’m not sure how that will be played out in the end of times. Nothing lasts forever.

Nothing manages to bother me more than the thought that death will occur. I just don’t know when. If I had my choice it would be tomorrow. But I’m not the one in charge of all of that. God is. He dictates when we go. Who dies and who sticks around to suffer more.

I wonder if it comes down to a game of chance somedays. A simple roll of the dice? A D20 perhaps? Oh sorry, you rolled a 16, you get some unknown uncurable disease that will haunt you for the rest of your natural life. Good luck now.

Whatever comes of this all will come, there’s no trying to stop it. Eventually we will either be crushed by the truth and weight of the matter or we will live long enough to see other people get crushed. There is no going back. No holding onto whatever possibilities there are to hold onto.

Everything will come to an end, then we’ll see where things go from there.