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Blast From The Past: January 7, 2020

Tue Jan 7 20:06:13 MST 2020 There has got to be some reason for these thoughts. Whatever thoughts come into my mind, I mean they have to have a reason right? Worry, regret, things I can’t control. Everything else which simply can’t be understood or controlled…things like that. I don’t know what to do with these thoughts. People tell me to simply forget about them. Let them go. Who’s to know how that’s meant to work out. I don’t have a clue. I wish I did. That would be nice, but I don’t. I mean, if life is meant to be simple…a breeze, something we’re meant to accomplish well into our 90s etc, if we live that long. Then aren’t we suppose to be able to do something with it? Aren’t we meant to be able to accomplish something and just be there for each other? No matter what happens? Life comes and goes, it’s not meant to be out there out there, but here we are. We don’t know what happens all the time. We don’t know what goes on when we aren’t listening or aren’t watching. We simply don’t ...
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Suicide

Suicide isn't just a word you use lightly. It isn't passed around nilly willy either. Having been on the "wanting to end it" side of suicide I know how it is to have such dark thoughts that you want to end it all. It's not an easy place to be. It's not a fun place to be either.

Luckily I have an amazing wife who could see the problems I was facing and she stepped in and got me the help I needed. I stayed in a hospital for a week. After that week, I was released. I was home for a week and things still weren't the best. So I went back for another week. That second week helped me and when I was released a second time, I was able to relax again knowing that I was on medication and had a good support system there able to help me.

It's not an easy thing to talk about. The "S" word as I call it. It's just...difficult. I don't like admitting that I had gotten to such a deep dark place that I was unable to function properly. To recognize that I needed help was the first step. To actually act on that need for help was something entirely different. I don't know if I could have gotten through it without the help of my wife. Someone on the outside seeing in and going "hey, something's not right there." It was an eye opening experience.

Near where I live there's a viaduct
Where people jump when they're out of luck
Raining down on the cars and trucks below
They've put a net there to catch their fall
Like that'll stop anyone at all
What they don't know is when nature calls, you go

They say that Jesus and mental health
Are just for those who can help themselves
But what good is that when you live in hell on earth?

From the very fear that makes you want to die
Is just the same as what keeps you alive
It's way more trouble than some suicide is worth

War On Drugs - Barenaked Ladies
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