Thoughts Before Mental Illness

I remember what life was before I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder, and then Major Depressive Disorder with psychotic features. Life felt easier at times. I’m not sure if I’m saying that correctly though. Not worrying about what I was or wasn’t hearing, or seeing or wasn’t seeing? It felt like bliss compared to what I feel now.

Now my mind is full of confusion about life and other things in general. I hear things in my head and I believe them, I think they’re real. There’s no way around it unfortunately. Medication can help quiet the voices, but in reality they will always be there. I’m not sure I have the ability to change that. If I do have that ability? I would change it in a heartbeat. No one needs to have these voices in their heads, I for sure don’t!

Then there are the intrusive thoughts that tend to come into my mind. Some are quite disturbing at times. I don’t know what to do with any of them. But they are there, and if I can’t change them what’s the point? So many negative thoughts and scary thoughts enter my brain on a constant basis. Inconsistant thoughts that come in without warning.

A thought that violates my moral compass tends to wear me down. A lot. I honestly don’t need that in my life right now. But what can I do to stop it? I’ve tried different things, but the thoughts always seem to come back. I’ve read not to fight them, just to label them as an intrusive thought and go about my day. But it’s not that simple, they become an obsession at times. They don’t leave me alone. They are always there. Constantly weighing me down, I don’t know what to do about it. I know it sounds like I need therapy. Which I probably do.

So I just signed up for therapy, we’ll see how it goes. Unlimited messaging, one call per months. Yeah we’ll see how it goes. I don’t want to have to pay for something I’m not comfortable with. So we’ll see how it works. To be honest I’m rather scared about it all. There’s got to be a way to get past this. Feeling anxious about this is scaring me. Whatever the case, this life will have to find a way to get better. I’m not sure how that can be made possible. There’s got to be a way, right? Right?!

Whatever happens in this life will happen, I can’t make life different than the way it is. There really isn’t a way to change anything about it. What is this life even about most days? I don’t get it, I don’t understand what I’m meant to do.

If there’s a way to get through this life without having to go through all of the hoops, I wish I could make it possible to just get through today and see what happens tomorrow. If I can’t do that? Then I’m screwed.

What’s this life meant to be? How is it meant to be understood? I’m not sure I understand the requirements about any of this life. It comes to me in bits and pieces, but there’s nothing that ever makes sense to me. I wish I could have it make sense. That would be ideal. But for now, life happens as it happens and I am feeling like I’m stuck.

They say writing things out, experiences and the like can be helpful. I guess I can go that route and write more short stories. Maybe start a series about a guy who hears voices and see things? Yeah that might be a good thing to do. I’m not sure though.

I hate feeling like I’m being labled because of my mental illness. I know I label myself, but what is there to do about it all? I’m not sure about any of it. That’s just how this life is, I’m assuming here as I don’t really know.

I wish I could go back to a time where I didn’t have these problems. I wish I didn’t have these mental illness issues. Whatever this problem is? I want it to go away. I don’t know how to make that happen. So many thoughts come into my mind and I can’t control them. Too many thoughts, too many voices, too many things that could go wrong when I think about them. It’s all a big jumble and a big mess that I cannot seem to find a way to overcome. It’s a bit of a mess, I know how that sounds.

I’m not crazy though. I hate that word. Crazy. It feels like a label. I don’t like labels. They aren’t for me. There doesn’t seem to be a way to get over this thought process. I don’t know what to do about it. Life has to be better than it is, that’s all I know. Without that thought process, I will be afraid of what this life is to become. I don’t know where I’m headed and that isn’t the best thing in life.

But that’s life. So what am I meant to do about it?

I don’t know.