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Life Is A Journey

Life wasn’t meant to be this way. We wake up every morning and try to get through it just to go to bed and wake up again the next day. Is that what we’re thinking? Is that what we want? I’m not sure, actually I’m sure it’s not what we want at all. Yet it’s what we do. We are here to figure things out and try to attempt new things meeting new people. That’s what life is about I think? I guess? Either way, here we are. Now, if we wanted to do something a little different, we could. Life could be much different than it currently is. But, we have to accept that it could be different. Either way? It won’t be useful to any of us until we decide that is what we want. But what do we want for real now? I mean, we could guess all day long what we want, but we cannot fully express ourselves for some reason. Does it matter? I’m not sure. I’d rather not think about everything which could go wrong with this plan, but well you have to take into account all the different angles, don’t you? Some woul...
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Suicidal Ideation

The thoughts come a little easily some days, other days they aren't that easy.

The following quote comes from Cleveland Clinic.

Suicidal ideation (suicidal thoughts) are thoughts or ideas centered around death or suicide. Experiencing suicidal ideation doesn’t mean you’re going to kill yourself, but it can be a warning sign.

Throwing myself in front of a moving car, jumping out of a moving car, hanging myself. I have thought about each of these from one time to another. Throwing myself down a stairwell in an office building is another example. Sounds easy doesn't it? Just simply allow it to happen. Doesn't mean it will always happen, but someday it might. You just never know.

They all feel perfectly natural to me. Deep down inside I know they are wrong and I shouldn't allow them to affect my thought process on life, yet here they are. They continue to mess with my mind and there's nothing I am able to do about it. I'm sure there is something I could do about it, but for right now? No, I don't dare venture into that dark place of my mind. It's too scary to even go there.

This morning I had a thought of going back to the mental hospital and hanging myself with a bed sheet that they provide. Just plop it over the door, close the door and get my neck all tied up in order to kill myself. Again, not a good plan at all.

I do wonder if I'm flirting with death too much with these thoughts. I'm not certain of what to do with any of them. But you know how that can be, I think. Hell, I don't even know if I understand what's going on most days myself.

I wish I didn't have this problem in my life. It would be nice to be able to go through a day without thinking, oh I could kill myself by doing x y or z. Yeah that would be nice to simply give up on it all.

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