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Why Is Life This Way?

Why is life this way? I often wonder what’s going on with it, but I don’t have a clue how it’s meant to be at times. I wish I had a clue, honestly. But I don’t, so what’s the point of it all? If It’s meant to be a curse then let it be a curse. But, if it’s meant to be something different? Let it be different. Don’t let it be what you want it to be, be what it’s meant to be. Allow life to be whatever it needs to be, there’s nothing wrong with that. There are things in this life we don’t have control over, and that’s okay! If we can simply allow ourselves to become the better person, then we can allow such a life to continue. We can allow it to make us and form us, shape us even into the people we’re supposed to be.
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Suicidal Ideation

The thoughts come a little easily some days, other days they aren't that easy.

The following quote comes from Cleveland Clinic.

Suicidal ideation (suicidal thoughts) are thoughts or ideas centered around death or suicide. Experiencing suicidal ideation doesn’t mean you’re going to kill yourself, but it can be a warning sign.

Throwing myself in front of a moving car, jumping out of a moving car, hanging myself. I have thought about each of these from one time to another. Throwing myself down a stairwell in an office building is another example. Sounds easy doesn't it? Just simply allow it to happen. Doesn't mean it will always happen, but someday it might. You just never know.

They all feel perfectly natural to me. Deep down inside I know they are wrong and I shouldn't allow them to affect my thought process on life, yet here they are. They continue to mess with my mind and there's nothing I am able to do about it. I'm sure there is something I could do about it, but for right now? No, I don't dare venture into that dark place of my mind. It's too scary to even go there.

This morning I had a thought of going back to the mental hospital and hanging myself with a bed sheet that they provide. Just plop it over the door, close the door and get my neck all tied up in order to kill myself. Again, not a good plan at all.

I do wonder if I'm flirting with death too much with these thoughts. I'm not certain of what to do with any of them. But you know how that can be, I think. Hell, I don't even know if I understand what's going on most days myself.

I wish I didn't have this problem in my life. It would be nice to be able to go through a day without thinking, oh I could kill myself by doing x y or z. Yeah that would be nice to simply give up on it all.

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