If life had a way to conquer our mind, what would that look like? I’m not sure I quite understand what’s going on with it all, just that we have to be able to figure out what it’s doing at any given moment. I wish I could understand and grasp what it’s doing to us, but if we can’t explain that…what are we even doing here? I simply do not know. I wish I had the ability to understand and grasp what this life has in store for me, but then again I don’t think I can do that. It’s life after all, I mean come on now. What more do you want from it? Exactly.
Feb 19, 2020
I am waiting to hear back on some scary things as of late. It's the big "C" word. Yeah, I'm waiting to hear back to see if I need to get tested for cancer. When you hear the word cancer you aren't certain what to think at first. I mean, you freak out for a second or two, but you don't know what to say. You think, oh this isn't happening to me. It can't happen to me! Well, let me tell you. It can happen to anyone.
Sometimes you just want to give up on life, keeping a diary can help.
Suicide isn't always an option.
It might feel like an option at times, but it really isn't. If you ever feel
like you want to take your life, please see someone and get help.
Later on in life, I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder. Don't know what that is? Well let's look it up for you (From the Mayo Clinic):
Schizoaffective disorder is a mental health disorder that is marked by a combination of schizophrenia symptoms, such as hallucinations or delusions, and mood disorder symptoms, such as depression or mania.
The two types of schizoaffective disorder — both of which include some symptoms of schizophrenia — are:
Bipolar type, which includes episodes of mania and sometimes major depression
Depressive type, which includes only major depressive episodes
How fun is that? Actually it's not fun at all. Allow me to give three examples of what I face in my day to day living:
- Having to constantly battle your demons isn't a fun thing at all to overcome.
- Constantly trying to figure out what's real and what's fake in the world, isn't fun at all.
- Constantly second guessing myself if I heard something isn't fun in the slightest.
So that's how I live my life. Constantly trying to figure things out. I mean isn't everyone trying to figure things out? That's not what I mean of course. For me, trying to figure things out takes on a new meaning for sure based on what I said before.
There are medications out there that can help you if you're in the same place as I am. They work most of the time, but sometimes they fail and the psychosis gets a little worse. You just have to hang on for the ride and see where it takes you. It's unfortunate that life happens that way, but what can you do about it? You just have to keep on hanging in there.
Hanging in there isn't easy at all. Telling yourself that you want to get better doesn't always help matters either. Of course you want to get better. There's nothing wrong with that. Striving to feel better can be an uphill battle by itself.
May 5, 2026
Found out I don't have Schizoaffective Disorder, instead I have Major Depression with Psychosis. Let's do a deep dive into what that is, shall we? Yeah I think we should! From the Medline Plus website.
Major depression with psychotic features is a mental disorder in which a person has depression along with loss of touch with reality (psychosis).
Ah yes, the "loss of touch with reality" part really screams out to me from time to time. I forget that part most of the time. A shame really, I'm sure I'm fun at parties. There's a thin line between the two that doctors can misdiagnose you easily. Imagine that, a doctor screwing up from time to time. It's like they're human or something.
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