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Blast From The Past: January 7, 2020

Tue Jan 7 20:06:13 MST 2020 There has got to be some reason for these thoughts. Whatever thoughts come into my mind, I mean they have to have a reason right? Worry, regret, things I can’t control. Everything else which simply can’t be understood or controlled…things like that. I don’t know what to do with these thoughts. People tell me to simply forget about them. Let them go. Who’s to know how that’s meant to work out. I don’t have a clue. I wish I did. That would be nice, but I don’t. I mean, if life is meant to be simple…a breeze, something we’re meant to accomplish well into our 90s etc, if we live that long. Then aren’t we suppose to be able to do something with it? Aren’t we meant to be able to accomplish something and just be there for each other? No matter what happens? Life comes and goes, it’s not meant to be out there out there, but here we are. We don’t know what happens all the time. We don’t know what goes on when we aren’t listening or aren’t watching. We simply don’t ...
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Making Life Worth It

Life has to have a meaning, a purpose. Someplace where I can think through these thoughts I have. But there doesn’t appear to be a purpose to any of it. Now I’m sure you could recite religious references and the like about how this life is meant to be good or other such nonsense. But what troubles me with that? Those texts were written by people with a limited knowledge of how this life turns out for the rest of us. Revelation comes to those to whom they have stewardship over. A prophet can dictate doctrine to a group of people while the rest of us can simply see what is out there for ourselves.

Everything must have a purpose in this life. I don’t know exactly what that purpose is most of the time. It scares me if I’m being honest. I wish I knew what to do with this life and figure out what this life is all about. But I don’t know how to do that. I can’t say for certain that this life is good for me. There’s no way of telling what will happen, and that scares me the most.

So I will sit here with eventual doom looming over my head. Everything will come to an abrupt end and there’s nothing I can do about it. That disturbs me the most, I think. If I had some ability to understand and grasp what is going on in this life I think I could make it a better place for me. But I don’t know how to do that. There are so many thought processes and issues in this life where there is no way to overcome everything that comes my way. Does that make any sense?

All I do is panic anymore. I don’t like it. There’s got to be more to living than panicking all of the time. I don’t know what that is. Don’t get me started on the voices I hear from time to time. The ones that tell me I’m better off dead or to harm myself. Yeah, they can fuck right off.

I do believe I’m going through an episode right now. I don’t know who I can trust. There are people around me, but can they be trusted? Like 100% trusted? I do not know. That part scares me, and I know how that feels. Trust me.

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