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Why Is Life This Way?

Why is life this way? I often wonder what’s going on with it, but I don’t have a clue how it’s meant to be at times. I wish I had a clue, honestly. But I don’t, so what’s the point of it all? If It’s meant to be a curse then let it be a curse. But, if it’s meant to be something different? Let it be different. Don’t let it be what you want it to be, be what it’s meant to be. Allow life to be whatever it needs to be, there’s nothing wrong with that. There are things in this life we don’t have control over, and that’s okay! If we can simply allow ourselves to become the better person, then we can allow such a life to continue. We can allow it to make us and form us, shape us even into the people we’re supposed to be.
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Making Life Worth It

Life has to have a meaning, a purpose. Someplace where I can think through these thoughts I have. But there doesn’t appear to be a purpose to any of it. Now I’m sure you could recite religious references and the like about how this life is meant to be good or other such nonsense. But what troubles me with that? Those texts were written by people with a limited knowledge of how this life turns out for the rest of us. Revelation comes to those to whom they have stewardship over. A prophet can dictate doctrine to a group of people while the rest of us can simply see what is out there for ourselves.

Everything must have a purpose in this life. I don’t know exactly what that purpose is most of the time. It scares me if I’m being honest. I wish I knew what to do with this life and figure out what this life is all about. But I don’t know how to do that. I can’t say for certain that this life is good for me. There’s no way of telling what will happen, and that scares me the most.

So I will sit here with eventual doom looming over my head. Everything will come to an abrupt end and there’s nothing I can do about it. That disturbs me the most, I think. If I had some ability to understand and grasp what is going on in this life I think I could make it a better place for me. But I don’t know how to do that. There are so many thought processes and issues in this life where there is no way to overcome everything that comes my way. Does that make any sense?

All I do is panic anymore. I don’t like it. There’s got to be more to living than panicking all of the time. I don’t know what that is. Don’t get me started on the voices I hear from time to time. The ones that tell me I’m better off dead or to harm myself. Yeah, they can fuck right off.

I do believe I’m going through an episode right now. I don’t know who I can trust. There are people around me, but can they be trusted? Like 100% trusted? I do not know. That part scares me, and I know how that feels. Trust me.

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