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Seriously, What Is Life?

Tue Jun 9 01:56:22 PM MDT 2026 I tend to wonder what this life is all about at times. I’m not sure I quite understand everything that happens in life? But that’s okay. Maybe if I had an inkling of what this life was about, I could answer my own question regarding it. But I doubt that will ever happen or take place. Life has a tendency to hide when certain things come out of nowhere. If I had my own way of doing things? I would figure it all out in one fail swoop. That way it would be understood without question. Naturally that isn’t the case, no such method exists for anyone out there. Life is tricky that way. It can foul you up long before you know it’s doing it. Perhaps I can try and figure something else out about this life. Something I haven’t thought about yet? Now there’s a thought. I…I don’t know exactly what the purpose of this life is meant to be. Some say it’s so we can be happy. Others believe it’s so we can grow from the experiences we have. I don’t know what any of that...
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No Sleep

I don’t want to go to sleep tonight. I’m not sure why, but I have this fear that if I fall asleep I might not wake up. I know it sounds stupid and everything, but that’s how I feel. Call it me being scared, call it a fear, call it an irrational fear. Call it whatever you will. I just know how I feel at this moment in time and there’s nothing I can do about it. I wish I could do something about it, but I just can’t. Not right now. Maybe tomorrow I will be able to think it all through. But for now? I don’t have a clue.

Maybe I simply don’t understand what’s going on in my head right now. It would be nice if I could grasp everything that goes on at once, but I don’t think that’s possible. Heck, I don’t know what’s possible anymore. I wish I could get a grasp on whatever is going on in my mind. But I can’t.

I’ve had manic nights before, this wouldn’t be the first. I’ve had other occurrences where I’ve managed to stay up all night and into the next day without issue. I don’t understand that side of my illness. But I know it’s a real thing. I hate feeling mania. For those of you who don’t know what that term means, here’s a Google:

excitement manifested by mental and physical hyperactivity, disorganization of behavior, and elevation of mood

So what am I supposed to do about all of this? Do I stay awake all night hoping I’ll be able to function in the morning for work? Do I go to bed hoping I can fall asleep? What if I can’t fall asleep? What happens then? Who’s to say what will or won’t happen to me. I can’t say for certain what will become of tonight. My brain doesn’t feel like shutting down at the moment. It keeps moving and going and there’s nothing I can do about it. I don’t enjoy that thought process.

Yep I have a decision to make. I need to make my mind slow down for a second. Not sure how to do that either. Gah, I hate this. Have I mentioned I hate this yet? Because I do.

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