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Blast From The Past: January 7, 2020

Tue Jan 7 20:06:13 MST 2020 There has got to be some reason for these thoughts. Whatever thoughts come into my mind, I mean they have to have a reason right? Worry, regret, things I can’t control. Everything else which simply can’t be understood or controlled…things like that. I don’t know what to do with these thoughts. People tell me to simply forget about them. Let them go. Who’s to know how that’s meant to work out. I don’t have a clue. I wish I did. That would be nice, but I don’t. I mean, if life is meant to be simple…a breeze, something we’re meant to accomplish well into our 90s etc, if we live that long. Then aren’t we suppose to be able to do something with it? Aren’t we meant to be able to accomplish something and just be there for each other? No matter what happens? Life comes and goes, it’s not meant to be out there out there, but here we are. We don’t know what happens all the time. We don’t know what goes on when we aren’t listening or aren’t watching. We simply don’t ...
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No Sleep

I don’t want to go to sleep tonight. I’m not sure why, but I have this fear that if I fall asleep I might not wake up. I know it sounds stupid and everything, but that’s how I feel. Call it me being scared, call it a fear, call it an irrational fear. Call it whatever you will. I just know how I feel at this moment in time and there’s nothing I can do about it. I wish I could do something about it, but I just can’t. Not right now. Maybe tomorrow I will be able to think it all through. But for now? I don’t have a clue.

Maybe I simply don’t understand what’s going on in my head right now. It would be nice if I could grasp everything that goes on at once, but I don’t think that’s possible. Heck, I don’t know what’s possible anymore. I wish I could get a grasp on whatever is going on in my mind. But I can’t.

I’ve had manic nights before, this wouldn’t be the first. I’ve had other occurrences where I’ve managed to stay up all night and into the next day without issue. I don’t understand that side of my illness. But I know it’s a real thing. I hate feeling mania. For those of you who don’t know what that term means, here’s a Google:

excitement manifested by mental and physical hyperactivity, disorganization of behavior, and elevation of mood

So what am I supposed to do about all of this? Do I stay awake all night hoping I’ll be able to function in the morning for work? Do I go to bed hoping I can fall asleep? What if I can’t fall asleep? What happens then? Who’s to say what will or won’t happen to me. I can’t say for certain what will become of tonight. My brain doesn’t feel like shutting down at the moment. It keeps moving and going and there’s nothing I can do about it. I don’t enjoy that thought process.

Yep I have a decision to make. I need to make my mind slow down for a second. Not sure how to do that either. Gah, I hate this. Have I mentioned I hate this yet? Because I do.

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