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Life Is A Journey

Life wasn’t meant to be this way. We wake up every morning and try to get through it just to go to bed and wake up again the next day. Is that what we’re thinking? Is that what we want? I’m not sure, actually I’m sure it’s not what we want at all. Yet it’s what we do. We are here to figure things out and try to attempt new things meeting new people. That’s what life is about I think? I guess? Either way, here we are. Now, if we wanted to do something a little different, we could. Life could be much different than it currently is. But, we have to accept that it could be different. Either way? It won’t be useful to any of us until we decide that is what we want. But what do we want for real now? I mean, we could guess all day long what we want, but we cannot fully express ourselves for some reason. Does it matter? I’m not sure. I’d rather not think about everything which could go wrong with this plan, but well you have to take into account all the different angles, don’t you? Some woul...
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No Sleep

I don’t want to go to sleep tonight. I’m not sure why, but I have this fear that if I fall asleep I might not wake up. I know it sounds stupid and everything, but that’s how I feel. Call it me being scared, call it a fear, call it an irrational fear. Call it whatever you will. I just know how I feel at this moment in time and there’s nothing I can do about it. I wish I could do something about it, but I just can’t. Not right now. Maybe tomorrow I will be able to think it all through. But for now? I don’t have a clue.

Maybe I simply don’t understand what’s going on in my head right now. It would be nice if I could grasp everything that goes on at once, but I don’t think that’s possible. Heck, I don’t know what’s possible anymore. I wish I could get a grasp on whatever is going on in my mind. But I can’t.

I’ve had manic nights before, this wouldn’t be the first. I’ve had other occurrences where I’ve managed to stay up all night and into the next day without issue. I don’t understand that side of my illness. But I know it’s a real thing. I hate feeling mania. For those of you who don’t know what that term means, here’s a Google:

excitement manifested by mental and physical hyperactivity, disorganization of behavior, and elevation of mood

So what am I supposed to do about all of this? Do I stay awake all night hoping I’ll be able to function in the morning for work? Do I go to bed hoping I can fall asleep? What if I can’t fall asleep? What happens then? Who’s to say what will or won’t happen to me. I can’t say for certain what will become of tonight. My brain doesn’t feel like shutting down at the moment. It keeps moving and going and there’s nothing I can do about it. I don’t enjoy that thought process.

Yep I have a decision to make. I need to make my mind slow down for a second. Not sure how to do that either. Gah, I hate this. Have I mentioned I hate this yet? Because I do.

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