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No Sleep

I don’t want to go to sleep tonight. I’m not sure why, but I have this fear that if I fall asleep I might not wake up. I know it sounds stupid and everything, but that’s how I feel. Call it me being scared, call it a fear, call it an irrational fear. Call it whatever you will. I just know how I feel at this moment in time and there’s nothing I can do about it. I wish I could do something about it, but I just can’t. Not right now. Maybe tomorrow I will be able to think it all through. But for now? I don’t have a clue.

Maybe I simply don’t understand what’s going on in my head right now. It would be nice if I could grasp everything that goes on at once, but I don’t think that’s possible. Heck, I don’t know what’s possible anymore. I wish I could get a grasp on whatever is going on in my mind. But I can’t.

I’ve had manic nights before, this wouldn’t be the first. I’ve had other occurrences where I’ve managed to stay up all night and into the next day without issue. I don’t understand that side of my illness. But I know it’s a real thing. I hate feeling mania. For those of you who don’t know what that term means, here’s a Google:

excitement manifested by mental and physical hyperactivity, disorganization of behavior, and elevation of mood

So what am I supposed to do about all of this? Do I stay awake all night hoping I’ll be able to function in the morning for work? Do I go to bed hoping I can fall asleep? What if I can’t fall asleep? What happens then? Who’s to say what will or won’t happen to me. I can’t say for certain what will become of tonight. My brain doesn’t feel like shutting down at the moment. It keeps moving and going and there’s nothing I can do about it. I don’t enjoy that thought process.

Yep I have a decision to make. I need to make my mind slow down for a second. Not sure how to do that either. Gah, I hate this. Have I mentioned I hate this yet? Because I do.

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