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Why Is Life This Way?

Why is life this way? I often wonder what’s going on with it, but I don’t have a clue how it’s meant to be at times. I wish I had a clue, honestly. But I don’t, so what’s the point of it all? If It’s meant to be a curse then let it be a curse. But, if it’s meant to be something different? Let it be different. Don’t let it be what you want it to be, be what it’s meant to be. Allow life to be whatever it needs to be, there’s nothing wrong with that. There are things in this life we don’t have control over, and that’s okay! If we can simply allow ourselves to become the better person, then we can allow such a life to continue. We can allow it to make us and form us, shape us even into the people we’re supposed to be.
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No Sleep

I don’t want to go to sleep tonight. I’m not sure why, but I have this fear that if I fall asleep I might not wake up. I know it sounds stupid and everything, but that’s how I feel. Call it me being scared, call it a fear, call it an irrational fear. Call it whatever you will. I just know how I feel at this moment in time and there’s nothing I can do about it. I wish I could do something about it, but I just can’t. Not right now. Maybe tomorrow I will be able to think it all through. But for now? I don’t have a clue.

Maybe I simply don’t understand what’s going on in my head right now. It would be nice if I could grasp everything that goes on at once, but I don’t think that’s possible. Heck, I don’t know what’s possible anymore. I wish I could get a grasp on whatever is going on in my mind. But I can’t.

I’ve had manic nights before, this wouldn’t be the first. I’ve had other occurrences where I’ve managed to stay up all night and into the next day without issue. I don’t understand that side of my illness. But I know it’s a real thing. I hate feeling mania. For those of you who don’t know what that term means, here’s a Google:

excitement manifested by mental and physical hyperactivity, disorganization of behavior, and elevation of mood

So what am I supposed to do about all of this? Do I stay awake all night hoping I’ll be able to function in the morning for work? Do I go to bed hoping I can fall asleep? What if I can’t fall asleep? What happens then? Who’s to say what will or won’t happen to me. I can’t say for certain what will become of tonight. My brain doesn’t feel like shutting down at the moment. It keeps moving and going and there’s nothing I can do about it. I don’t enjoy that thought process.

Yep I have a decision to make. I need to make my mind slow down for a second. Not sure how to do that either. Gah, I hate this. Have I mentioned I hate this yet? Because I do.

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