Why Do The Voices Want Me Dead?

 I hear voices, it's no news. Nothing new there.

They want me dead. I've asked doctors why this is the case and they do not have an answer for this. It is quite annoying. I would rather have an answer to why they want me dead than no answer at all. I mean I specifically asked a psychiatrist why they want me to harm myself, and why do they want me dead. Her response? "I don't know." Do you realize how infuriating that can be?! Very much so. I mean it's no secret that I hate my life. That I think the government is after me for some unknown reason. They'll hunt me down and kill me at any given moment. I just know it to be true.

It's not safe out there. Nothing is ever safe anymore. Why should it be safe? I mean there are terrible things happening every single day of the week. It's just that the news doesn't always portray what's going on in the world stage as it were. Local news? Sure, you've got that in plenty places. National news? Yep, got that too. World news? Not so much. There are some things that get through, but not all of the truth.

But I feel I have gotten off topic here. Let's swing back around to the important matter at hand, shall we? The voices. Ah yes, the voices indeed. They are evil and want nothing good to come of my life. That's the truth of the matter. It doesn't make any sense to me why they are like this. It just doesn't make sense. So, what's the point of it all? Why do they want me dead? I wish I had an answer to it, but I do not at this moment in time.

I could scream out into the void, but it would do me no good. No one hears you out in the abyss. There's nothing there at all but nonsense. So, I must remain here waiting for something to come along and make things better. I do not know what that is though. Medicine doesn't seem to do the trick anymore. My brain wants to listen to what it wants to listen to. There doesn't seem to be a way around it right now. I don't understand it. I don't get it.

I'm dead as it is anyway. Why should there even be a question about what's going on anymore. There's no point to this life right now. I feel dead inside. Dead to the world, dead to life. Just simply dead. It's an interesting feeling to feel dead. I wish there were a way around it, but I don't think there is anything I can do about it. There's a part of me that wishes I didn't feel this way. But what am I supposed to do about it? I feel this way because I am this way. There is nothing I am able to do about any of it. It simply is.

What control do the voices have over me to begin with. There must be something I can latch onto, grab hold of or simply grasp in order to see what it is they want from me. I do not know what it is they want. All I know is I must die in the process. If I let it happen then I will cease to exist. There will be nothing of me left. If I continue to fight it, then there is more hell to be had in this life. Either way seems to be sixes. If I die, I will go to hell, if I live, I experience hell. I believe we are in hell right now. This life, this existence we are living in is hell. There can be no other explanation of it in my mind. The constant pushing to go one way or the other is getting tiresome. I do not know what to do about any of it.

Yes, this life has a way of messing with you. I feel like it's messing with me constantly. If there were a direct way to get through it without having to process that which I cannot conceive...well let's just say it would feel better for the most part. When you don't feel wanted by your own mind, there is something wrong there. I know there is something wrong with me. I get that. I simply do not know how to process these thoughts and actions that I feel I must take.

Do not ask why I feel I must take these steps. They are there for a reason. A reason I do not know yet. But there is a purpose behind it all. There must be a purpose, or all of this has been in vain.

I do not wish to discuss this further.