I Wake Up

 I wake up in the morning dreading the day. But I still manage to get out of bed. I don't know how that's possible when all I want to do is roll over and go back to sleep. Yet I continue and soon enough I am changing into clothes, I'll grab a shower tomorrow I think to myself. There's always tomorrow to do something that you just don't feel like doing today. I mean why waste energy on something you don't really want to waste energy on.

Sitting here I already feel drained, and the day hasn't really even begun yet. I wonder why that is. Has my mind just taken a bit of my energy already that I don't feel like I have the strength to do anything? It's a question to be answered, maybe not here and now but eventually.

If I understood all that was happening, I wouldn't be asking these questions now would I. No, I didn't think so. It will continue of course. It always continues, the cycle will continue to go around until something is put there to stop it. Dead in its tracks. I'm not sure if that will happen anytime soon, but it will eventually happen. It has to.

I don't like thinking about the past. There's something about it that just irks me most of the time. I don't know what that is, but it always manages to bother me. I'm sure there's something specific about the past that gets me so mad that I don't have any idea about it. I don't know what that is though, so I'll just continuing to live without thinking about it too much.

I do wonder at times what I think of this life. The answer is usually the same, this life sucks. Only I can make it better for myself. I need to have the courage to try that though. It's up to me to change the way I feel about life. No one can do it for me. That's a hard pill to swallow. But it's the truth. If I want to be happy, I need to change. It's not an easy thing to do, change that is. It takes time and some motivation on my part. That's for sure.

Feeling like I belong to something is a big thing for me. I need to feel wanted, accepted even. Something along those lines. There has to be a way to figure all of that out. I don't know where to begin though. Starting off on the right foot is the hard part. Staying there is even more difficult. Finding a way to grasp and hold onto something to believe in, now that's a struggle. I often wonder at times what exactly do I believe in? I think my beliefs are quite basic when it comes down to it. Why bother with extra things that, in the end, don't really matter.

Why follow something blindly when critical thinking needs to be done about it. That's what I wonder about it all. If anything, it's a long way down to try and figure everything out. Why worry about any of it to begin with? It feels overwhelming at most parts of it all, so why even bother. There doesn't seem to be a point to any of it. I mean it all feels rushed to begin with, right? Nothing feels on track for anything. So, there's no point to it all. Life will find a way to figure things out. It always does.

So, we're back to square one. Nothing makes sense in this life. It just comes and goes like it feels. There are no repercussions to any of it. Life will continue to move forward working this way without remorse until the final resting day, a judgement day where we will all be judged according to what we've done.

Religion is a big part of people's lives, but it's not a big part according to the worldly way of thinking. I wonder why that is. Isn't religion the basis of what we've all come from? Where we've all come from? How we are meant to live this life and how we will eventually pass on from this life. So many unanswered questions to be answered and figured out. Yet I don't have the energy to think about it all right now too many questions.

So, I will try and live to be my best possible self. That's all that can be expected of me, isn't it? I think that's the right way to live. At least for now.