Been trying my hand lately in programming in Perl. Doing some database things with it. It’s quite an interesting language. I’m rather enjoying it, if I’m being honest. Coming from a Java background, I find it exciting to learn new things and take them as they come to me. It’s fun for sure!
There are things I care about, and other things that I don't care about. A lot of things I don't seem to care about outweigh the things I do care about. Life can be a funny thing at times. Oh, forget funny, life isn't funny. There's no laughing about it. I feel like there is too much going on most of the time and I don't have the ability to keep up. It just doesn't work out that way. Talk about drama. I hate drama. It's too much to worry about.
So, I choose not to care.
What's the point in caring anyway? If other people don't care, why should I? Family members don't care about my mental health. Why should I care about it either. They don't even try to understand what is going on with me. There is no point in worrying about it. Not caring is probably my best go to option in the world right now. Hell, if you understood my position on things, you might not care either! There just isn't a possible way to make everything have sense in this life and keep it all together. I refuse to believe there is another option.
The bible teaches us to lean not unto our own understanding (Proverbs 3:5). That we must acknowledge God and He will direct our path. I wish that were simply the case. I don't know how any of it works out though. I believe it to be true. I just need to have faith that God will actually direct me towards that which I should be directed towards. I'm not sure I always have the faith necessary to make things happen. I try to have it... maybe that's enough. I don't know.
Does having faith mean that I care somewhat of my circumstances? I do not know. It might be better to have knowledge of things to come instead of faith that they will turn out okay. I'm not sure which is better if I'm being honest. Things might be better with time. Aren't things always better as time moves forward? It's a quest I wish to achieve at some point in life. Right now, I don't know which is better.
Wishing and hoping for something you can't see is a mystery at times. Some say that is an act of faith. Isn't that the actual definition of faith? Faith is a belief with strong conviction in something where there is no tangible proof. Well, if that's the case then faith in my ability to overcome my mental illness could be seen as over the top. As far as I know, there is no cure for it. Nothing that will make me better. I can hopefully curb the symptoms for a time, but that's the best I can get from it all.
When I was first told of my illness I was devastated. How could anyone deal with me. Would they be able to accept me for who I am? I know my illness does not define me as a person, but sometimes it sure feels like it does. Talk about an annoyance at best. I wish I didn't have this problem. I wish I was well. But I can't determine the future or change the past. I can only live it and hopefully survive what is considered to be my present.
That's all there is to this life. The present makes itself known and I am but a person who it decides to control. There is nothing more to be had from it all. Nothing to be gained. I am a human being with problems just like everyone else. I just don't see the point in caring about any of it right now. It'll come to an end someday I'm sure, someday I will care again. But for now, I feel numb to all of it. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. It just simply is what it is.
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