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Alone

 I feel alone again. I don't understand why this is happening. I am surrounded by people who are kind to me. Why do I feel so alone?! It makes no sense. I would like for something to make sense for once. Something in my life at least. Other things make sense. But my life does not. I'm sure life makes sense to someone out there, and I am envious of them. If I could have that same clarity, maybe I wouldn't hate life so much. But I do. There's no rhyme or reason to any of it. I just don't grasp the simple concept of life.

I've thought about it over and over again, how we are born we live, and we eventually die. Then someday there's a judgement for all of what we did while on this Earth. Maybe there is nothing to get. It could be all a charade meant to fool me into a false sense of belief, if I were to have something make sense. No matter what happens I am still alone. So, I will go forth and try to exist the best way I know how.

Life shouldn't be this way. It needs to be something better. Only I can make my life better than it currently is. How do I go about doing that exactly. There must be a way to reason with myself about how this life unfolds. I can't be the only person who doesn't understand life in general. If I am? Then I am one poor bastard. But I don't think it is that way. I try to live my best life as it currently stands. There are days I just don't get the hang of it and I fall flat on my face. A trigger there, a memory here. Something can catch me off guard and I'm down for the count.

I don't want to go back to a hospital. I probably should though. Damn I hate when I know what I should do, but I'm too stubborn to do anything about it. None of it makes sense to me. Why should it. I'm here awake and alive. I'm no harm to anyone but myself. That's all there is to it. There's no reason for me to be hospitalized. No reason at all.

I don't think I'm over my grief and loss of my dad. Not yet. I've just managed to stuff it down so far that I don't think about it. Somedays it comes to the surface, and I am unable to resist the thoughts of how much I miss him. Those days are the worst. Eventually I'll forget what his voice sounded like. I don't want that to happen. It can't happen. I can't let it happen. He was my hero. He was like superman in a way. But he was taken away too soon for me. I regret not talking to him more. I always ended up talking with my mom on the phone. Wherever he is, I hope he remembers me.

There are so many things about this life that I don't get or understand. I'm not sure I want to understand everything that enters my path. It might be too much for my brain to handle. I wish I could forget about the understanding part or trying to understand it all and just live my life. I try to be a good person. I try to be there for others, but I'm sure there's more I could do to do my part. I just do not know. That scares me to a point. Not knowing has always scared me. I fear the unknown. Probably not a good thing to have going on inside my brain, but what am I supposed to do about it. There can't be that many ways to figure things out, can there? Why am I pushing myself to figure everything out all at once. It doesn't make sense.

I am but a man and I do as I wish. It doesn't matter what it is for I am just me.

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