Kill Me

 It's no secret that I don't want to live anymore. It's no secret that I tried once to kill myself, but it didn't work out. I don't know if that's a blessing or a curse that I have placed upon me. I know God doesn't look well towards suicide. I don't know what to do about my life anymore. It feels like it would be so easy to just end it right here and right now. But the pain from killing myself? I'm scared of that. I don't want to feel pain associated with suicide. Then there's someone telling my family members that I did myself in. I don't want them to be in pain either because of my actions. It's a very messy thought process. I have to live in this life; I have to accept that which I cannot change. Something else must take me out. Someone else must take me out of this life. God is the answer to that. Only God can end my life. He knows when that end will come and how it will take place. I can only wait for the inevitable.

Death doesn't seem like a bad thing. I look forward to it. Until that time, I will try and live my life to the best of my ability. I will try and control my illness as best I am able to. There isn't any other way of doing it. If I am to wait for whatever comes next in this life, then I will have to wait. There's no other answer to any of it. Waiting is simply all there is to it. I can't do anything about it. That's all there is to this life. Waiting for the end to come. But I can do something while I wait. It might take different forms as I do wait. There's nothing wrong with waiting for that which will surely come. But waiting takes time and can be downright boring. Yet it's the only thing I can do. I am so focused on death, life doesn't feel enjoyable anymore. I wonder how I can change that.

Change must come to my life. There is nothing else I can do about it. I can't doom myself to something I have no control over. There seems to be no reason for it. Allowing myself to accept what the voices tell me is a mess. I cannot do that. They must be silenced at some point in time. There is no reason to allow it to continue. This life has many parts to it, so many moving parts that it's difficult to understand which part does what. Yet we are all here trying to grasp that which we cannot see. There is nothing else to it. It's life.

Wanting to die is nothing new. People have been wanting to die for a long time now. I'm sure in every iteration of each century, there have been people who have wanted to stop living. Times get tough and when that happens, there doesn't feel like there's anything you can do about it. Life will eventually come to an end for everyone. It is only a matter of time. Why should we face it at all. There doesn't seem to be a solid reason for it. Life will continue onward. Nothing will stop it until that time is granted that it must be stopped. God is the author of it. God is the finisher of it. It all comes down to God's plan for each and every one of us.

I'm sure my family doesn't understand my fixation on death. Why would they. They don't live in my shoes. I've tried to make them understand. But they either don't want to, or they are unable to. I don't know what the answer is to any of it. Just that it exists and there's no other way to think about it. Life can be tricky at times, that much is certain. I wish I could make them understand what is going on inside my head. But I don't think I have the ability to convey my thoughts and feelings adequately. A shame really. If they understood me, maybe they would be able to actually care. As of now, I feel like they don't care whatsoever at all.

So now all I do is wait for the end to come. For my end to come. There's no other way about it. Life will eventually come to an end and I will not be around to see anything else happen.