I haven't been feeling good lately. Both physically and mentally. I don't know what's going on. But I just do not feel good. I wish I could pinpoint exactly what is happening, but I don't know. So many things would be better if I did know what was happening, but well that just isn't always possible now is it. No, I didn't think so. There has to be something I can figure out. I wake up and my stomach feels upset. The mind races and thinks about things I shouldn't really think about. Yet here I am wishing I were dead again. I pray for some release from this torture and I get nothing. No answers, no replies, nothing. I feel like I've been given up on by an unseen force. Or entity. That entity being God. Does He even care about me? I do not know.
I tend to vent a lot on this blog. I know that. That's its main purpose, I think. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. It's just how I manage my problems. There's got to be a different way to express myself, I just haven't figured out what that is yet. I don't know how much more of a pounding my mental health can take at the moment. It feels like it's being hit on all sides simultaneously. I don't like it. Not one bit.
Great, now my back is hurting. Where did that come from?! I don't know. Doesn't seem like anything I did that I know of. It's just kind of there. A sharp pain that comes and goes. Hope it's nothing serious. I can't afford to go to the doctor right now. Doctors get expensive. I don't have time for them.
And the music plays on.
The music is always playing. Sometimes I feel like a Cylon and the switch has been flipped and I can't get the music to stop playing. You know what I mean if you watch Battlestar Galactica (the 2003 series). There's nothing I can do to stop the music. It just continues to play on repeat. Nothing can stop the signal. It must be played.
The depression still runs deep for something I don't wish to discuss. There's nothing I am able to do about it. So why bother, why try. It doesn't make any sense to me either. Trust me, I've tried to make sense of it. I don't see how any of it goes anymore. It's like the logical reasoning part of my brain has turned off. I need that logical part to function. There's no going back on it. There's no trusting it though either. I don't know how to even process what I'm thinking most of the time. So, I tend to ramble.
Life doesn't feel easy right now. It feels very difficult and hard to deal with. It would be nice to be able to grasp anything that comes from this life. But I don't think I am able to do that. Not yet. There needs to be some kind of expression that I am able to have that will simply allow me to get through these difficult days.
I've said it before, it feels like life is falling apart. I don't know how to get out of this rut at the moment. There needs to be a way to overcome all of this. Anything and everything I need to be able to do all at once needs to happen. But how do I go about it? How do I understand what is meant to take place? Seems like there are too many questions and not enough answers. There are always questions.
I'm not sure about my mental state at the moment. I wish I could say everything is fine and dandy. But I don't believe I know how any of that works. It just feels like everything is going down the tubes. I want to be able to understand what I am doing with my life. I want to be able to grab hold of something and never let go. I don't do well with change. If it's messed up, it won't ever correct itself.
I'm sure things will get better in time. I hope they do at least. I'm not sure what to think of my current state, I just feel what I feel. Is that a valid explanation of what I'm going through? Sure. Maybe. Possibly. Hell, who knows anymore. It's just life that has me down at the moment. I don't like it. I keep pressing forward, but I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere with any of it. Feeling lost is not my favorite thing to feel. Especially now. If I had a therapist, I could probably identify what is going on better. But I don't and won't have one for a few weeks, I'm afraid. If there were a way to dull my senses, I might be able to get through the day-to-day process of life. How does one do that exactly?
Maybe I need to find a way to push back some. Push back against what though. My thoughts? My energy? My depression? There are so many possibilities to push back against. I just don't' know what to do. All of this has happened before and will happen again.
Life feels so lonely right now. If only there were a way to make it less lonely. Something has to be done about it. I fear I will be this way for a while though. It's not fair to those around me. So why bother continue to live. It doesn't make any sense to me. I would be better off dead, I think. But I'm not the one in charge of that. God is. So where is He?
I'm angry at myself for feeling this way. There doesn't feel like a possibility of escape or retreat. I'm on the front lines and it feels like I am losing. Not many people understand what I am going through. I try to explain it to them, and it goes over their head. I hear all the time "Oh, well why don't you try x" or "Have you tried not feeling that way?" Yeah, it gets annoying so why bother with telling them anything. Maybe nothing matters anymore. I'm just here trying to get by and that's the best I can do.
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