Been trying my hand lately in programming in Perl. Doing some database things with it. It’s quite an interesting language. I’m rather enjoying it, if I’m being honest. Coming from a Java background, I find it exciting to learn new things and take them as they come to me. It’s fun for sure!
They say life has a purpose. It would be nice to be able to know what that purpose is. I mean there's the obvious answers. Believe in Christ, follow God, serve your fellow men. All of those things are good things I suppose but isn't there more to this life than what is given? I would like to be able to figure out this life. All of it at some point during my time here. Something just doesn't fit right with me, I don't know what it is but it's there and I feel uncomfortable. Everything has a purpose in my mind. If you are unable to figure out that purpose, then what is the point of living.
I've often wondered why I am here on this Earth at this time. What's my purpose for being here. It doesn't make sense some days. It would be nice to be able to know the truth behind it all. Any truth would be good to have. I cannot for the life of me attempt to even figure out what that truth is. Currently it feels like I am drowning and there is nothing I can do about it. It would be nice to know is all. There doesn't have to be any strings attached to any of it. I just want to know once and for all what is my purpose.
Right now, it feels like my only purpose is to suffer mental illness. I don't have any other way of getting around that. This life makes it impossible to figure out what is wrong with me. I ask questions and am given the run around. No one has full on answers for me. My doctors, my therapists, no one can tell me what it is I am feeling or experiencing. So why should I trust them at all? It makes no sense. Why should it make sense when there are so many other things that could go right with me that just aren't. I'm growing tired of it, and fast.
So many things are out there, and they do not seem to matter. I wish I knew how to make sense of it all. Something has got to turn around eventually. I just don't see how that can be possible when this life doesn't feel or seem fair for anyone. What is the purpose of this life? I ask sincerely to know the answer that I seek after. I know the answers I was given growing up, but I do not believe those answers anymore. To base eternity on a 20-minute trip to mortality doesn't seem or feel fair. I don't know how any of that works out as it is.
To simply exist is not enough. I need a purpose for existing. Otherwise, I might as well die. If there is no purpose to this life, why should I even be here to begin with. I do not know or understand anything that is going on in this life. Am I meant to? Is it all meant to be understood in one fail swoop? I doubt it. I don't believe there are things to be believed based solely on faith alone. Tangible evidence needs to be made manifest in order to believe on some things. Yet here I am unable to determine which is best suited for any of it. I do not know or understand anything that is happening in this life. Nor do I think I ever will understand it. It will be a mystery to me for as long as I live. Am I willing to accept that and just live with that thought? I do not know.
Maybe I'm just not meant to know, and I have to act with faith. Perhaps that is all I need in this life. I cannot say that is the correct path for certain, but it seems like a place to start.
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