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I'm Still Angry

 I'm angry. Angry at this mental illness which I have found myself to have. I am not pleased with it. Every living day is a struggle for me to simply get by. To survive. I don't quite understand it myself, but it is a real thing. I would rather not have this problem at all to begin with, but I cannot control it. It was only a matter of time for this illness to manifest itself and become active in my life. That took place in 2020. Having lived with it for five years now, I can only say this. I hate it.

The voices constantly affect me. They tell me things I don't want to hear. Tell me lies that aren't true. Things that aren't real. Yet I listen to them. I'm trying to learn how to cope with it all, but I am not able to do so easily. Therapy helps when I do go. When I don't I have a harder time fighting them. It's a constant struggle. There isn't much I am able to do about it. So, I try to endure.

This life doesn't make for an easy thing to live through. There are so many thoughts and feelings to experience. Some not by choice. I don't know how to deal with it all. I wish I could simply shut it all down. But I am unable to do that. I simply do not have the answers necessary for any of it. I wish I did. But answers do not come easily or quickly to me. They simply get in the way to the point I am unable to understand what is going on with my life anymore. That's what makes life difficult.

At times I feel I am listening to the voice of God in my head. I know that's not possible. He wouldn't tell me the things He is telling me. Or what I think He is telling me at least. All of the negative thoughts in my head are difficult to process. I can't keep up with them all. I know it's easier said than done to simply ignore them. I try to ignore them, trust me I true so hard, but I am unable to do so. They continue to invade my mind. I wish I could make them stop. But I can't.

Nothing seems possible at times. I don't know how else to explain or describe it. Just nothing feels possible. So many things would be nice if I could figure something out in this life. But I am unable to do so at this present moment in time. There are too many questions to get answered. Too many debates over who is right and who is wrong. Too many tears over lives lost. I want something to be good for once. Anything to be good. But I don't know how to make it all work out in the end. It feels like a futile attempt.

Don't get me started with hallucinations. I sometimes wonder if they serve their part in life. Most of the time I don't think they do. But sometimes I wonder. Is wondering making me mad? I don't know. I can't say for sure. This life is just that, it's a life full of obstacles and things that don't always make sense to me. I currently have one telling me I'm going to die, over and over again. I'm fine with that. I welcome death. There's no reason not to welcome it. Maybe I can get over these ridiculous thoughts and voices all of the time. Just get rid of them all at once. That would be the peace I'm looking for.

I wish I could handle it all. I know I can't. That's a shame. It would be nice to be able to be at peace. Something along the lines of simply feeling calm and collected. What's the phrase? Cool, calm, and collected. Yes, something like that. But I do not know how that will ever happen. Not with the mind I have and all the things going on inside of it. I want so much out of this life, I do not know how I will be able to stop it all. There seems to be too much going on in my mind, almost to the point of going mad. I don't like that feeling, yet I deal with it every day of my life.

I just don't know what to do about it.

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